Journey to Mee-dom

Day 16. Wednesday. warning: Raw thoughts, some ranting and not much editing done, and some cursing to follow. Ughhhh it's so dark and raining today! It looked like it was the middle of the night at 8:30am. Like what the actual fuck. How can we function with no sunlight I ask you?! Today I am giving less shits. Mostly about the Christmas season and what I feel I am "supposed" to be doing. It started with questioning the season's eating regime of cookies/bailey & coffee/throw your health to the wind mentality. My depression is just too sensitive for that noise. The truth is I walk a fine line of  "yes let's do this!" and "I don't want to live anymore". Sorry to drop that serious bomb on you here today, but screw it - I'm into being really honest these days. I sat down to write a Christmas letter a week ago, trying to be real about this last year. There's just something off about Christmas letters than don't report all th

Day 14. I feel like I can't really say "Day 14" of the juice cleanse, because I have started to incorporate some protein, warm veggies and it's not "just juice". But you know what, fuck it - DAY 14 bitches!! (I don't like that word but just pretend it's a term of endearment ok?) I am still eating really clean, so we will go with that. I have had some eggs, some coconut oil, some hemp oil, lots of yams and sweet potatoes and kale soup! All so very delicious. Considering the time of year and how tempting all the treats and drinks are. I am just going to go ahead and call this a success. But wait - I'm going to take a moment to say it's been TWO weekends with absolutely NO booze. Like seriously, that's pretty cool. I am not a heavy drinker, but over the past year I have definitely taken a liking to a rum a coke...or 5. Rum and coke's were my dads drink and it was comforting to me in more ways than one. Alcohol also is a socially acce

Day 10! Sighhhhhhhhhhh. Feeling low energy today, really extremely tired and sighing a lot - so I had some lentil chick pea soup. It was warm and salty and nice. Also, just for the record I had some salad last night. Juicing continues to be awesome and a lot of work. I have no room for all the vegetables! Juicing requires a lot of counter space. Clutter and or dirty dishes do not go well with juicing. It's seeming like a lifestyle change, and I mean more than just the food part of it. More specifically, it requires some time, planning and dedication. Things to pre-consider, like: What am I going to juice? Do I have to do a grocery store run? First I need to clean off the counter! God I want a burger! For someone like me, who doesn't really plan food out very well this is requiring using a part of my brain that has been on permanent vacation since, well...ever. Random side not that may not have anything to do with juice cleanse: I try not to shower everyday but I hav

Hi there. Day 9 here. (No time to edit, just skip over spelling mistakes please!) We got our juicer last night! And boy oh boy did we make some shitty ass juice! hahahha. Ew. This morning we did much better with a less random selection. Juicing is quite the process. It takes some time and it takes some chopping and it takes some cleaning. It also takes a lot more fruits n' veggies than blending does! But it really is delicious. I am loving the taste and how satisfied I feel afterwards. And I must say, adding an avocado really makes a nice smooth texture and taste! (Juice comes out the bottom, pulp poops out the side!) I have to remember that it did not take 9 days for my body to get to where it is and it will not take 9 days for it to work itself out! So far what I have noticed and how I am feeling is HUGE. I need to just be thankful for how fast my body reacts to healthy choices. It's simply amazing isn't it? Thank you body for all you do. When I get that naggy v

Day 7 and the beginning of day 8. I feel like I cheated yesterday because I had some cooked veggies! I was cold and I wanted something comforting so I cut up a yam, put some coconut oil in a pan and some Himalayan rock salt and ate it like it was a cupcake. I had the same guilt that I would have had, had it been cupcakes! I felt like I had somehow let myself down. It tasted too good and I ate it until my belly hurt. It was quite eye opening. Who knew a yam could still provide space for addictive behaviour! Because I overextended my belly, I was so hungry when I went to bed that I had hunger pangs for the first time since day 1! Today is day 8 and I feel pretty tired. I am wondering if I should start adding a meal in but I struggle to want to do that because again - I have a strong to desire to stick this out. I have enough fat stores that I "should" be able to do this much longer. I am wondering if my will is starting to dwindle a bit, or if the cold weather/winter blues

I had a really full weekend so I haven't had a chance to sit and post. This won't be a long one as it's 9:23 Sunday evening. I am still juicing. I find things get hairy if I don't keep on top of the hunger and stay ahead of the game. When I forget to get something in my belly is the real danger zone. Last night I was at a murder mystery party and there was FOOD food and more food. Chicken wings. I love chicken wings. Instead I picked the vegetables out of the pasta salad and told everyone that if they didn't like it, we couldn't be friends anymore. Luckily I have understanding friends. Today I had a little coffee (not really allowed) before a hike and I immmmmmmediately had pains in my tummy. I also noticed that it's what has been causing a terrible discomfort on the bottom end (let your imagination run wild here). Coffee. Frig off. Otherwise, not much new. A few people noticed that I looked different - little less puffy and thinner through the f

Day 4 Yes, that's right I have officially made it through the first 3 days. The days everyone tells you will be the hardest. Well I guess we'll see! I don't really know how to describe what I am feeling and so I ask that you bear with me on this, and try to understand that I am giving you my own experience in my own words and that I am not exaggerating to the best of my knowledge. I feel extra alive. Sounds a bit cheesy or something I guess. I just feel like I am extra awake or alert to all things happening both inside and outside my body. I a feel heightened state of senses. I am feeling stronger empathy for sure and I would say much more present to what's going on in each moment. Last night I had something happen that got me a little worked up and I was able to sit with it and watch it and hold compassion for it - and I don't mean fake compassion, I mean like legit compassion. It was new, let's just go with that. Totally new. I realized this morning tha

I'M IN A GLASS CASE OF EMOTION!! Wow, all these feeeeeeeeelings. This morning on the way to school Lilly, Oliver and I rapped about how they always lose their gloves and it drives me nuts and within two seconds I was crying along to Lykke Li's new album whilst thinking about something profound my dad once said to me. If your head is spinning from just reading that sentence imagine experiencing that much emotion within a 2 minute time frame! Intense...but also, really awesome. The emotion seems to be pretty authentic and clear. I can tell when I am sincerely feeling one emotion vs another whereas before I think I would get them confused (as I mentioned before about the anxiety really being bundled up excitement). Writing is helping me to see all of the changes, no matter how subtle that I may have otherwise missed. It's great motivation for me, and I appreciate you writing to me and encouraging as well. It takes a village... So this is the beginning of day 3 and it was

So if you are just joining me - I am on day 2 of my juice cleanse. Minor editing is being done so don't judge grammatical or spelling errors. Day 1 continued: Last night at around 9 pm I somehow convinced Danny to watch "Hungry For Change" with me. It was HEAVY> Like whoa. I HIGHLY recommend watching this if you want to make a change in your life and you are finding it difficult. I also recommend it if you have a partner who doesn't really feel motivated to make change. (Danny's mind was blown, and he told me to order THE BEST juicer I could find first thing in the morning.) It pretty much blows the lid off the food industry (or every industry for that matter) breaking down WHY YOU EAT WHAT YOU EAT, or why you want to and how they manufacture food to stay on the shelves a long time to make more profit - not for health. Your health is not on the list of priorities, in fact your lack of health IS on that list...but that's a topic perhaps for another day!

End of Day 1 (or almost) *I'm not going to spend a lot of time editing this  - I'm going to keep it all as raw as I can so you can share in what's happening throughout this with me. I am FREEZING. I was cold all day, cold to the bone. I find that this happens anytime I try to cleanse. No headache though, so that's good news. I made it through without any caffeine! Wouldya look at that! I had some herbal detox tea, and some really nice roiboos this evening. Luckily Danny went out to eat so I didn't have to smell cooking, so that helped a lot. I opened the fridge to grab my bag to juice and saw all kinds of meat and cheese and started to salivate. Some stuff that comes up for me would be mostly emotional and boredom. My mind has a hard time staying still and I search for something to put in my mouth. I find that I really have to watch these thoughts. I definitely considered a piece of seaweed in all it's salty goodness. I watched the thoughts "s

Day 1 Juice cleanse. I woke up with a huge amount of anxiety this morning. I don't mean I woke up and thought some things and then had anxiety, I mean I woke up to anxiety starting me in the face. This happens almost everyday, and I'm sick of it. I am hoping that I can eliminate the morning anxiety, along with the brain fog, general depression and apathy, fatigue (like so tired I find it a bother to turn the steering wheel sometimes) oh yeah and then there's the weight gain. I've put on 20 lbs since March of last year. It might be because I lost my dad, it might be because I generally move through these cycles from 175 lbs down to 145 lbs, repeat. Keep in mind that I am 5'3 and that this is MY body experience - so maybe this isn't much to some, or lots of others but either way I can tell that my body isn't functioning like it could be and I feel that it's my responsibility as it's "owner" to rectify that. So here we go. Now, I don'

6:15pm: I'm leaving yoga, and then the idea of the century hits me - I should make cupcakes for the kids class tomorrow for Valentine's day!!!!!!!! Ok so if you are reading this, and you don't know me...I am not really a "baker" per say, as in I don't bake. Ever. Baking makes me anxious - I don't do that shit. Also, I don't really give two craps about Valentine's day (but I won't get into that right now). Where this idea came from, at this point in time, I was not entirely sure? So cupcakes. Ya. I drive out to Danny's mom's and pick up the kids and before I could really think things through, like the hero I was attempting to be, I yell "We're going to make cupcakes!" I hear a voice in my head say "Uh what? We are going to do what?" There's no turning back now...I'm hooped. My kids faces turn from confused to over-fricken-joyed in 2 milliseconds. The adventure commences. We drive to the store. While

There are so many posts these days (and really forever and always) about women's bodies. They still seem to have this flavour of what they "should" be; that strong is the new skinny, that real bodies look like this (insert photo of a woman with curves here). Let's not shame any-body, let's just love ourselves right now, in this moment right where we are at! The good news is, and I can see it from all the posts like this - that things are changing. Self-love and acceptance are on the horizon! I am working at loving my body, more everyday. It's a struggle, and still I feel that old pull of "you aren't skinny/sexy/feminine" enough. BUT I can honestly say that I am proud of amazed by this wonderful body, what it has done and what it continues to do. This pride/love I hold didn't come after my body changed, it came first and it will always come first - unconditionally and without warrant. It just is. I am the strongest I have ever been and ye