Journey to Mee-dom

This blog has brought up a lot of emotion for me and I had to take some time to work through it. During a very intense conversation with Danny, I came to realize that because I have always put other people first, I put myself last and I eat to recover. I eat because it is the only thing (I think) that I can control completely. By control I mean, whenever I want it, it's there. Whatever I want I can have. I can make bad decisions and beat myself up over it as much as I want. I have been abusing myself with food. This is a really hard realization to come to and once I realized it I almost went further into weight debt. I sunk a little deeper, just enough to scare myself. I saw some pictures of myself from a birthday party and didn't even recognize myself. I know that people say this all the time just before they start making change and I can see why now. I have been using it to be hurtful to myself. Mask what's really going on, and almost wear a disguise. Another way to look

Since I have been sick for three weeks and then the kidney stone episode I have been trying to rest more - as I have said. However, this "resting" period has led to a great deal of "depresting" which is resting that leads to feeling depressed. This time of year is hard for me (and many other Canadians) as we transition into the GREY season. Little to no sunlight, especially here in Kelowna. It's so hard because we have an overdose of sunlight in the summer months here in K-town and then BOOM we get cut off like we didn't pay the power bill. There's no other way to put it, it sucks. I try to run from it, but it's like a dog chasing me, it only gets more angry and bites me in the ass. Many people refer to it as SAD, seasonal affective disorder. Some doctors actually prescribed anti-depressants through the winter months and then wean people off them when the sun starts to show it's face again. They did this with me all through high school all the wa

This is going to be off the beaten blog path. I have discovered so much about myself through this blog. About people. About our our thoughts, and feelings. How language affects our beliefs. Think a thought long enough and hard enough, and it becomes reality. I have heard this so many times but I am realizing how true it is. Even if the thought starts out as a joke. Your brain can't tell the difference between true and false, and neither can our hearts. If we tell ourselves something over and over again - because others find it funny and because it allows us to laugh at something we are scared of or insecure about, we believe it'll take the pain away. Aux contraire. It only makes that fear turn into reality. I have had this belief that I'd "never be skinny". Whatever that means. Skinny comes in so many shapes and sizes. I took it so literally that even when I was "skinny" (for my body anyway) I still thought I wasn't. I was about to say "fat"

Side note: I am having a hard time getting back into exercise mode since being sick. I had built up such great momentum. Now I can feel the "I'm sick" excuse lingering, a little longer than it should. It's a fine line my friends. I also realized tonight when I was chatting with my sister, that when I'm sick if I don't feel like I'm getting the love and attention I "should" be getting, I seem to draw out the sickness, and hang on to it even longer. I also caught myself today looking at some pants that are much to big and keeping them "just incase". This doesn't make sense, it's like I'm PLANNING on getting even fatter? You know how when you have a goal you would write it out, or cut out a picture and pin it up on your wall? Well shoot, I don't want to be keeping fat-pants around to "grow" into!!! That's not a goal. So I threw them out, completely. See ya - wouldn't wanna be in ya...ever again! As much as

So I'm still sick. I know, ridiculous. But I have lost 5 lbs, incase anyone is wondering yet. Which feels pretty good. It's just enough to give me a slight skip in my step. Which brings me to something I have been pondering since my first year of university. Apparently, there have been studies done on the approachability of people with rounder faces. People with round faces resemble that of babies, and therefore appear to be non-threatening and friendlier. If you take a look back through history, you will notice that many great comedians also in fact have round/fatter faces. John Candy, Chris Farley, John Pinette, Jonah Hill, Margaret Cho...even Will Ferrell had a little roundness at times. Let's examine this further. I don't think it's a big secret that one of the things I enjoy more than anything is making people laugh. I'll even let you in on a little secret - it's always been a dream of mine to do stand up. I would LOVE to be a stand up comedian! I have