Journey to Mee-dom

I really have been wanting to blog lately but I have a bit of writer's block as they say. My blockage deteriorated tonight when I spoke to my trainer. I have been training with Kasie McCaw who is a world class trainer in my books. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect human being to slide into my fitness journey. Kasie is a wolf in foxy workout gear. That woman is stunning and hard as nails. Last week she called me to relay the bitter sweet news that she was leaving her business to pursue an offer she couldn't refuse with another gym. I have to admit that although as happy for her as any friend/client and fellow female warrior could be, I was devastated. I have become so reliant on Kasie to kick my ass. I loved her for it even on the days I wanted to cry she would see me struggling and tell me to get out of my head, stop talking negatively to myself and to recognize how amazing I was doing - her delivery never left me doubting that what she was saying was 100% genuine. S

I want this post to reflect a part of my journey not the end, so please do not take it that way. It is however a huge milestone and I wanted to go ahead and document all the things I am feeling at this stage. Things I never dreamt would come from a journey to weight loss are becoming monumental changes in my life. The biggest and most life altering would be the consistency of my moods. Obviously I still have my dark moments, you know the ones you just aren't proud of. I am not ashamed by any means of the temper tantrums I throw or the large objects - they just aren't at people anymore. I watched myself as if having an out of body experience sometimes. This one evening, after arriving home from a stressful day and two kids screaming ridiculous demands at me, I took hold of the woman who normally gives in to "the epic meltdown", and guided her gently through step by step stimulus reduction. I turned off the tv, I shut off my phone, sat the kids down and calmly asked the

I know, it's been a while. I wish I could be more consistent with my writing but it's kinda just when the moment strikes me. I could write 30 blog entries one day, and then none for three months. First things first, I have lost 20 lbs! Yay exciting right? You'd think so, except I am totally terrified and notice the self-sabotaging crawling up my leg like a boa constrictor. Why is it that I can work so hard at something and then think to myself "this is too good to be true, you can't keep it up" so then I start working my old habits back in until I have hung myself up on a hook by my own underwear again?! It's really getting old and starting to chafe... I feel so good but of course there are still these set back that occur. Let me be totally honest - I REALLY don't want to argue with bags of chips anymore. Why can't I just have a handful? Why does it have to be this weird sneak back a thousand times until I am mad at myself game? The first week of m

On April 22nd I stared my bodyrock 30 day challenge with my fellow lady "bodyrockers". The term is funny because Zuzana, the hottie who films herself doing the workouts, always says in her sexy accent "hello bodyrockers" at the beginning of the videos. Today is day 47 ! I have been working out 6 days a week since April 22nd! This is really exciting because I think (no, I know) I am now over the hump and have made this a habit. I'm back baby and better than ever! Sometimes it's even hard for me to take the one day off because I am scared to loose my momentum, I just love how I feel such a sense of accomplishment after I beat an old personal best. Some of the workouts, although "super intense" are only 4 minutes long, and some challenges (like 500 mountain climbers or 300 squats for time) can be done even on your day off just to keep the habit up - or on the days you are busy busy. Danny usually sits and watches Zuzana do the work outs and drools. I

Back at it!! I hope you are ready for this... So just to jump right in, I have been doing bodyrock now for a month, with one day off a week. Please, for you own sake, visit www.bodyrock.tv and thank me later. It's wonderful and it has given me my confidence back - specifically my workout confidence. I did an interesting thing today. Now, before I get into this interesting thing I did, and purposely leaving you in suspense because every good blog needs an element of suspense, I have to say that I have been wondering about the accuracy of my thoughts towards my weight. You know, on that show where they get the guest to place herself in amongst the other ladies in their underwear and she always goes and puts herself in a higher weight than she really is? Well I think for me it would be the opposite. When I meet with clients for their life insurance, I have to ask their height and weight and sometimes I try to guess in my head in respect to my own weight and height. I am always sadly s

I'm always thinking about what people think. Mostly what do they think of me? What's their impression of me? What I do, how I look, but mostly what I say. I think that this contributes to my body image issues. It's really friggen exhausting caring so damn much about something you can't control - what other people think. Or can you? Can't you try to be everything to all people and then, surely then everyone will LOVE you!?! When I get home from a day full of meetings with clients my head and my "heart" are so worn out from trying to get inside other people's heads and not only asses their financial hopes and dreams but also what they think of me. I watch myself go straight to the fridge. It's like nicotine for some people. Once it touches my lips relief washes over me. I'm a food addict. There I said it. When it comes to my weight, and meeting new people, I am seriously thinking to myself "I should tell them this isn't the real me. Tha

In my struggle to loose weight, even through crossfit and a much better diet, my mind has been blown by my self awareness towards: My fear of intimacy. It's directly related to my weight gain/retention. "Grace afraid of intimacy? She spills her guts to anyone who will listen! She doesn't get embarrassed or hold back. She speaks her mind and says whatever she feels the urge to say." Well my friends that is not intimacy for me. Read on. One definition of intimacy (keeping in mind it's not always sex) is " closeness: a feeling of being intimate and belonging together". It might sound cliche, or cheesy but over the last week or so I have a profound realization - an epiphany really, that dawned on me during a conversation with my friend Carly. I won't go into too much personal detail but we were discussing feeling "scared" of closeness, of commitment, expectations and essentially, intimacy. I felt a pretty strong sinking feeling in m

So I stopped writing because I felt like I was repeating myself. I don't know if that's accurate or not but I felt it and had this feeling that the same thoughts were running through my head over and over again. I guess that's the cycle of it all though. Thinking the same thoughts over and over again. I also stopped writing for me, and started writing for everyone else, and that never works. Well it works for a while but you start censoring your thoughts. Plus I felt like no one was reading it, which is stupid because again I'm not writing this for others. It was something to lay out my thoughts, pick through and change the beliefs - the added bonus was that maybe someone or some people would understand as well. On the positive, crossfit is going really well. I didn't go when I was sick, but as soon as I was able to I went back. I can feel the strength building already. Going up the stairs feels easier, picking up the kids and anything that requires bending down or