Journey to Mee-dom

I looked at myself today (my stomach to be exact) and realized something. After I had the kids, and I had the 'post babies' weight to lose, it was the first go at it. It was a fresh try. Nothing to lose (except the weight). I went into it with mostly naivety tagged with a certain sense of optimism and a no-pressure-attitude. I was focused on my new babies, I didn't have to rush I just ate better - if it happened it happened. Once I started to see it working (in many ways) I added more to it. Started exercising and seeing better results. Then something happened. Here's where the "gap" is. I don't know what happened. I don't know what the "trigger" was, what the trauma was to cause me to slip backwards on such a steep hill I had climbed so beautifully. I lost 30 lbs from December 2008 - August 2009! Approximately 8 months of fantastic eating, new sense of self - the mother of twins and I was doing it! I could do anything. Somewhere between Aug

CROSSFIT is AWESOME! Ok now that I've gotten that out I want to just say that I went shopping and bought some nice clothes that FIT and make me feel great. We always say "I don't want to go shopping until I lose weight" but how long should we really go wearing pants that create muffin top-ville? How long should we be mean to ourselves like that? No matter what, you deserve to look nice! So I did it - I took the leap! It felt great, because I can't wait anymore for 30 lbs to drop all the while wearing outfits that people shouldn't even be buried in. Now I'm not yelling at my pants or ripping my underwear off like the hulk because I'm so mad they don't fit. It doesn't mean that I've given in, and that I'm not motivated to lose weight just because I bought some clothes that fit. It's not a reward for stuffing my face - it's just a gentle approach to a delicate situation. If I keep feeling bad about my body I seriously don't thi

I feel like I'm at a stand still. I haven't been blogging because I'm embarrassed that I have no "real" progress to report and I feel like I've let you all down. I keep trying to pin point the reason for my un-success...and I'm realizing that's stupid. Harsh word, but it is stupid. A cd that I listen to every day, by Esther Hicks ("the teachings of Abraham") describes a scenario in which Esther and her husband Jerry and using a GPS to find a location, when they realize they are going in the wrong direction. Shortly after this realization the GPS informs them to basically make a u-turn and get back on the right path. Esther says to Jerry "isn't that odd, do you think I made a wrong turn, or do you think the GPS made a mistake? How about we retrace our steps and figure out where we went wrong." To which Jerry replies "or...we could just keep going right?" It's a funny thing our desire to go back and delve into all th

Ahhhr. I've been terrible lately at writing. I am sorry. I am sorry to you and I am sorry to me because it really means I'm off track. I have been bouncing around a lot lately from different types of exercise and I thought that was a good thing. But, I haven't found I've gotten in a groove with anything in particular. I'd like to be focused on one thing and watching the progress in that area. So I am trying to decide what I like best right now, until I get into a better routine and then I can branch out. I want to look forward to my exercises, instead of feeling like they are taking away from my day. And if I really cut the crap, I need to just shit or get off the pot. I am frustrated. I know that it's making all those little decisions add up that's going to make the big picture come into place, but I am just having a hard time with those little pieces. I started with no bread, and I felt good about that. But I know it's not quite enough. I feel like I&#

This blog has brought up a lot of emotion for me and I had to take some time to work through it. During a very intense conversation with Danny, I came to realize that because I have always put other people first, I put myself last and I eat to recover. I eat because it is the only thing (I think) that I can control completely. By control I mean, whenever I want it, it's there. Whatever I want I can have. I can make bad decisions and beat myself up over it as much as I want. I have been abusing myself with food. This is a really hard realization to come to and once I realized it I almost went further into weight debt. I sunk a little deeper, just enough to scare myself. I saw some pictures of myself from a birthday party and didn't even recognize myself. I know that people say this all the time just before they start making change and I can see why now. I have been using it to be hurtful to myself. Mask what's really going on, and almost wear a disguise. Another way to look

Since I have been sick for three weeks and then the kidney stone episode I have been trying to rest more - as I have said. However, this "resting" period has led to a great deal of "depresting" which is resting that leads to feeling depressed. This time of year is hard for me (and many other Canadians) as we transition into the GREY season. Little to no sunlight, especially here in Kelowna. It's so hard because we have an overdose of sunlight in the summer months here in K-town and then BOOM we get cut off like we didn't pay the power bill. There's no other way to put it, it sucks. I try to run from it, but it's like a dog chasing me, it only gets more angry and bites me in the ass. Many people refer to it as SAD, seasonal affective disorder. Some doctors actually prescribed anti-depressants through the winter months and then wean people off them when the sun starts to show it's face again. They did this with me all through high school all the wa

This is going to be off the beaten blog path. I have discovered so much about myself through this blog. About people. About our our thoughts, and feelings. How language affects our beliefs. Think a thought long enough and hard enough, and it becomes reality. I have heard this so many times but I am realizing how true it is. Even if the thought starts out as a joke. Your brain can't tell the difference between true and false, and neither can our hearts. If we tell ourselves something over and over again - because others find it funny and because it allows us to laugh at something we are scared of or insecure about, we believe it'll take the pain away. Aux contraire. It only makes that fear turn into reality. I have had this belief that I'd "never be skinny". Whatever that means. Skinny comes in so many shapes and sizes. I took it so literally that even when I was "skinny" (for my body anyway) I still thought I wasn't. I was about to say "fat"

Side note: I am having a hard time getting back into exercise mode since being sick. I had built up such great momentum. Now I can feel the "I'm sick" excuse lingering, a little longer than it should. It's a fine line my friends. I also realized tonight when I was chatting with my sister, that when I'm sick if I don't feel like I'm getting the love and attention I "should" be getting, I seem to draw out the sickness, and hang on to it even longer. I also caught myself today looking at some pants that are much to big and keeping them "just incase". This doesn't make sense, it's like I'm PLANNING on getting even fatter? You know how when you have a goal you would write it out, or cut out a picture and pin it up on your wall? Well shoot, I don't want to be keeping fat-pants around to "grow" into!!! That's not a goal. So I threw them out, completely. See ya - wouldn't wanna be in ya...ever again! As much as

So I'm still sick. I know, ridiculous. But I have lost 5 lbs, incase anyone is wondering yet. Which feels pretty good. It's just enough to give me a slight skip in my step. Which brings me to something I have been pondering since my first year of university. Apparently, there have been studies done on the approachability of people with rounder faces. People with round faces resemble that of babies, and therefore appear to be non-threatening and friendlier. If you take a look back through history, you will notice that many great comedians also in fact have round/fatter faces. John Candy, Chris Farley, John Pinette, Jonah Hill, Margaret Cho...even Will Ferrell had a little roundness at times. Let's examine this further. I don't think it's a big secret that one of the things I enjoy more than anything is making people laugh. I'll even let you in on a little secret - it's always been a dream of mine to do stand up. I would LOVE to be a stand up comedian! I have

I'm sorry. I have had a rough week of sinus obnoxiousness. It started last Friday and I thought it was better by Sunday, so on Monday I went to hot yoga and that evening I just filled up. I actually thought my teeth were falling out of my head. The rest of the week has been painful to say the least. Rest and recovery. It's such a hard concept for me to grasp now-a-days. As a kid (and even still today if I were possible) I liked being sick because it meant attention. You require help and love from those healthy enough to provide it, and when they did you sure knew they loved you. It almost eliminated the fact that you were sick, all the love and attention. "Poor baby", "oh honey, let me get that for you". Well let me just say...this isn't the case when you're a mom. Who looks after mommies? Daddies have to work and if you are sick, likely your kids are sick too and that means that they probably got the daycare provider sick also - so here you are - s

Pre-Blog note: Someone farted at hot yoga tonight. No one laughed or even said a word. No one yelled out "oops" or "sorry" even! I mean I know yoga is a serious practice, and farts happen no one should be ashamed... but come on, it was a fart! We were created to fart so that we can laugh. It hurt me inside to let a fart-laugh moment go by. This may offend people who don't find farts funny...I feel sorry for you. Luckily we weren't in this position... Before I begin, I'd like to say that I went in and bought new yoga/work out gear FINALLY. Just before class I went in to..dun dun dun...LULU LEMON. Ahhhh! Yes I did it, but I found something so perfect that it only took me 5 minutes and it was on sale! So win win. I felt so damn good I almost wore high heels into the class. I also may have strutted. Pants that I could pull up HIGH without a camel toe, to tuck in the twin-belly but so comfortably so the top wasn't rolling down over it the whole time, and

I fell in love with myself. In the mirror. At hot yoga. Yes. It was surreal. Let me just walk you through the turn of events here. I have gone to Bikram, and really I don't like the dictator military style of it. Different kind of suffocating heat as well, not infrared. (Sorry to all you bikram lovers this is just my opinion remember). I also have always claimed to not like yoga. I would say it's too slow for me, I like bootcamp and hardcore stuff. However, Heather E. convinced me to come and try it with her. I was nervous, I really didn't know what to expect - it was power yoga. "What the heck is that?" I kept thinking in my head, are we going to use weights? So I walk in, and of course there are people there getting into their yoga zone, laying still on the floor in the heat. So I followed suite and got down and into what I was hoping would be a lovely meditation. Just then, my mind started spinning out of control. So I remembered all that I know about meditati

Sigh. I just got the mini's into bed and finally got a chance to sit down in my bath robe to write. I'm full, but a healthy happy kind of full. I'm proud to announce that my eating habits have been improving this week! I have to admit to something though - I have big motivation. Although it's only two and a half weeks away I am going to be sitting in the sun with some friends and I would love to feel proud to sit in my bathing-suit. Now, this means so many things. First, I don't anticipate nor do I want to lose some outlandish amount of weight in two weeks BUT I do want to feel good about my progress/body. Second, it would be nice while I'm away to be able to "stay on track" instead of figuring that I am already not "really" doing well so what's another few days of bad food. And last, I really needed a fire lit under my mom-ass. So there you have it. Plus, I'm not really into this look... I also have BIG news. I quick drinking coffee

Igor. That's who I feel like when I run. Sloppy, uncoordinated and limbs flailing all over the map. Frothing at the mouth, googly eyed and unpredictable. I catch glimpses of a passer-by that confirm clearly wondering if I need assistance or a straight jacket. I guess that's what happens when you try to run 30-40 lbs heavier than you were last time you were an avid runner. It just doesn't "flow". It's such an effort in every single part of my body, but I haaaaave to keep trying. People say it'll get easier. I believe them even though I want to scream "LIAR's" in their face. Of course it gets easier, so easy to say after you make it over the hump. But I love them for whispering these sweet nothings in my ear about how wonderful I'm going to feel. Make love to me with you passionate stories of marathons and triumph. Oh! Oh! Ohhhhhh! Today Heather E. pushed me and I did love her for it, in a sick twisted kind of way. When I would start to wan

I'm sticking by the whole "just get your running clothes on" and getting out the door becomes easy. It's the first step and the hardest but once they are on you might as well go. Today that was what did it for me. It also caused me to realize that I have the crappiest work out gear and that an 80's-aerobics-enthusiast would even turn their nose up at my selection. If I just go get some stuff that fits properly and feels good that could help big time. My muffin top doesn't need any extra assistance from a pair of spandex that only a tween volleyball player should wear. Laying on the couch thinking about getting dressed scares me (commence whiny voice) "how long it's going to take and how hard it's going to be?", but once I have my gear on - I seem to stop over-thinking it and tell myself to just go - do your best. Everything is easier once you just get going. It's like that even with writing my blog. Usually, when I sit down to write I th

Part I: Feeling a little rough today. May have had one too many drinks last night and not enough water, but I'm going to go for a hike regardless. I am feeling like dump so I know it's the only way today. Yesterday I was so close to napping again instead of going for a walk, but I did it. The only thing I can do in those situations is find a friend to walk with (Thank you Kelsey S. I loved our walk) because I love spending time with other awesome women and that is my motivation in those moments. (Right now I can see my reflection in the computer screen and the angle is giving me a lovely view of my double chin. I'm actually concerned that I didn't notice it was this bad? Is the computer screen playing tricks on me? Sad face.) Anyway, yes walking with amazing women. I just want to take a moment to recognize all the wonderful ladies in my life. Walking and running has allowed me to spend a good solid hour (even if we have our kids or dogs) getting some quality time, talki

I went for a medium paced walk today but it was really a physical and mental rest/wellness day for me. I practiced the art of napping. This morning I walked with my friends Crystal and then had a wonderfully delicious healthy 'beat pear rocket salad' for lunch. Afterwards, I went to give blood (I'm AB+, which represents 2.5% of the total population) so I felt it was my duty to get in there and give. I was so tired afterwards though, and because the kids were at daycare I just came home and curled up in my duvet and shut'er down. I really needed it and I was happy to recognize it and also be able to allow myself to do that - with no guilt. I worked a 12 hour day yesterday and needed some recovery. I recognized early in the morning that I was feeling a little off. Felt a little frustration rise up in me when my clothes felt just as snug as they did yesterday and two weeks ago. I kind of figure that I should notice my efforts somewhat? I had to really remind myself that it

Today is a great day. You will never guess why. The scale read something horrific but I still felt good! That's HUGE-mungous for me. Yesterday when I caught of glimpse of myself in the mirror (in the truck side mirror, never flattering from a down angle) my first thoughts wasn't "ew gross more chins than a Chinese phone book" it was "aw Grace you have a friendly face. I think it's a face people want to get to know and trust." SERIOUSLY, this was what happened I couldn't make that up. I have hated my round/fat/double chin face even when I was 'skinny'. Come to think of it, the feelings have never changed - skinny or heavy, I've always felt BAD about myself. How can things really change if you perspective never does? When I see old pictures of me, I tend to think - ohhh I was in such good shape why can't I look like that now - it's a total joke, because when I did look like that I still hated my body. When I think those thoughts &q

So I was thinking about a few comments from friends that mentioned my blog to their hubbies, to which the guys replied "Grace already looks great". I appreciate that, a lot and I am thankful for the wonderful comments from friends to this effect. It got me ta thinkin though. That we live in a society that encourages extremism. Always wanting to change and improve when what we already have is pretty damn good. I even think it myself when people write about sharing the same feelings "shoot, I think 'so-and-so' is already super hot. They don't need to change or lose weight!" We always look at those super fit thin people and yearn to look like that (or whatever it is you don't have that you wish you had, blonde hair, brown hair, higher butt, longer eyelashes etc.) Truth to be told, I doubt those people are aware that they are the envy of all their friends. Are they still looking, searching, criticizing themselves? It's so rare that when we give one

Happy Thanksgiving! Yesterday I exercised my Turkey eating skills. Well, all weekend really. We had Turkey with my dad, Gale, Ashley and Luke on Saturday and then we went over to our friends (Heather and Lance's) on Sunday. It was a fantastic weekend. I couldn't have asked for better company. I didn't go for a run, but we did dance our butts off at Broken Social Scene last night! I'm going to post a link to the opening band "The Sea and Cake". I felt discouraged yesterday because I feel like this week was hard work but when I went to put on my jeans that I wore last summer when I had lost weight, there was no chance in H-E-double hockey sticks they were getting done up. I know I know, it's only been a week, but I thought I'd be optimistic and give it a go. I had to really calm myself down because it made me so angry. I guess "it" didn't make me angry, I have a choice to be rational or not here. However I chose to be slightly irrational an

Yesterday I did NOT want to go for a run, or walk or do anything resembling exercise whatsoever. I actually was laying half on half off my bed staring at myself in the mirror with my feet dragging out behind me sideways trying to convince myself that I didn't have to go, that I could just skip. Then I thought about how I didn't do anything the day before and that this would be a slippery slope if I wasn't careful. But I still didn't want to friggen go. I felt like a 3 year old arguing with myself back and forth in my head. I also thought 'it's early enough into my blog that if I miss a day or two no one will notice'. True, no one will notice now but then I had to think of the facts. This is going to be a long term goal and life change and what I do now and in the net 30 days will be crucial to make it a habit. Not to mention that if I start slacking in a month or two people who have been reading along will start looking for my progress. "Oh..." the

I have been thinking about one of the comments on my blog all day today. Quote " I walk a fine line between trying to love the body that I have now (and not 5 years ago) and being unhappy enough to change it, do you settle for reality, or keep looking at things that you would like to change". First a little background. So after I posted my blog, I happened to catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror that I forgot wast in our bedroom (we just stuck it there while we decide where to hang it). I was in my underwear and I was utterly and completely devastated. I didn't have a chance to pump myself up and get in positive mode to find all the things I like about my body. It just happened with out any mental preparation. Sometimes I forget what having twins did to my belly, it's rare but it happens. After skin is stretched out that much it's nothing short of scary what is left. The comment above really struck a cord because I wonder sometimes if I should have surgery to rem