Sorry chips, but it's over between us.

Part I:

Feeling a little rough today. May have had one too many drinks last night and not enough water, but I'm going to go for a hike regardless. I am feeling like dump so I know it's the only way today. Yesterday I was so close to napping again instead of going for a walk, but I did it. The only thing I can do in those situations is find a friend to walk with (Thank you Kelsey S. I loved our walk) because I love spending time with other awesome women and that is my motivation in those moments. (Right now I can see my reflection in the computer screen and the angle is giving me a lovely view of my double chin. I'm actually concerned that I didn't notice it was this bad? Is the computer screen playing tricks on me? Sad face.) Anyway, yes walking with amazing women. I just want to take a moment to recognize all the wonderful ladies in my life. Walking and running has allowed me to spend a good solid hour (even if we have our kids or dogs) getting some quality time, talking, listening and sharing. It just amazes me that I set out on this journey to wee-dom to get skinny and I've gotten so much more than I ever would have imagined. A better perspective, improving my friendships and getting loads of support from friends near and far.

I feel edgy today and I'm being hard on myself. I'm just going to be honest about that. I didn't eat well yesterday and I am starting to think that I should be doing more. Getting more hardcore. Maybe I'm not pushing myself hard enough? I know that these thoughts aren't very positive but they are there in my head so I am going to put them here so that I can really see them.

Part II:

I really need to make some changes in my eating habits and the way I think about eating. Food should nourish the body, not our stress or emotional hills and valleys. I find that I talk myself out of eating well. Have you ever noticed that? I'll be having a discussing back and forth like "well you aren't noticing any changes yet, what's one more cheeseburger?" It's so self-destructive! It stems back to my belief about being worth it. That I AM WORTH MORE THAN THAT TWO MINUTES WITH A BAG OF CHIPS. They don't even taste that good it's like I'm this bad ass rebel without a cause, just running to the cupboard all stealthy ninja-like to scarf down some chips before I get caught and have to throw down the ninja smoke. "Seriously, get a grip GRACE! Stop sabotaging yourself woman." Even right now as I write this my old habits of "what can I eat" start to seep in. I associate so much with food. Movies - food, sitting on the couch - food, fav tv show - food! When I finally get to relax at the end of the day, the old thought pattern is YAY FOOD! Like it's some kind of reward? Not much of a reward when I can't even get into my fat pants. Side note: There's the hidden message, I associate relaxation with food as a reward. P.S. A message to my fat pants - I hate you.

All of our quests are for happiness. Exercising to feel better (or thinner) because we think will make us happier, more self assured and secure with who we are. New jobs or careers that will suddenly makes everything else more enjoyable. Sometimes there is a change needed but if the old habits/beliefs don't change, the new situation will eventually end up looking the exact same. I think that's why I lose weight and then I climb back up because I keep finding comfort in 163 lbs. I just got nervous to even write that. I was 115 lbs (too thin for me) in university...now I'm that mom all reminiscing about my younger years. Bleugh.

I have exercise buddies - now I need 'food buddies'. Like a break up buddy. Someone to stop you from drunk texting, but in this case it's drunk chipping. You know the scenario, you have some drinks and then come home and search your cupboards only to find those chocolate chips you were going to bake cookies with. I need to block delete and un-friend the junk food in my life. It's not working out, it's going to be hard but the longer I put it off the more I am in this unhealthy relationship with myself. Rip that band-aid off Grace...go on and do it. It's like that last pack of cigarettes, you know you gotta flush em but it's going to be painful. You went through so much together!

I have to go now, I have some chips to break up with.