I'm sorry. I have had a rough week of sinus obnoxiousness. It started last Friday and I thought it was better by Sunday, so on Monday I went to hot yoga and that evening I just filled up. I actually thought my teeth were falling out of my head. The rest of the week has been painful to say the least.
Rest and recovery. It's such a hard concept for me to grasp now-a-days. As a kid (and even still today if I were possible) I liked being sick because it meant attention. You require help and love from those healthy enough to provide it, and when they did you sure knew they loved you. It almost eliminated the fact that you were sick, all the love and attention. "Poor baby", "oh honey, let me get that for you". Well let me just say...this isn't the case when you're a mom. Who looks after mommies? Daddies have to work and if you are sick, likely your kids are sick too and that means that they probably got the daycare provider sick also - so here you are - stuck at the snotty nose party, with a one way ticket to Shoot-me-nowville. Yay! Someone lied to us, there is no medal or trophy for mom's who push themselves so hard it takes them 3 weeks to recover from the common cold. I'd like to take a moment to thank the media for this. Add and commercials that push pill popping to avoid recognizing that we just need to slow down and take better care of OURSELVES. Here take these and just plow through it!
After Monday night proving to me that I was in fact too sick to work out (yes I needed proof, so that I didn't feel guilty) I had to change gears in my Journey to Wee-dom. This was the time when I had to acknowledge that I may have worn myself out (with stress and internal-pressures) and it finally caught up with me. This was a week of reflection in many ways. I had to allow myself to trust that when I was back to healthy again, I would resume my exercise routine. It's so hard when you are in the first few weeks and you are stopped dead in your tracks but I knew there was something deeper going on that I had to recognize. I have been spending lots of time talking nicely to my body, but was I talking nicely to myself about the other parts of me? The mother, the partner, the friend/sister/daughter, the career woman. Was I giving myself pats on the back for all these other areas? I would have to say yes in very segregated areas, but as a whole person I think I neglected to just see myself as a loving being who is here learning and growing. "Learning" and "Growing" don't always look so wonderful at first and they can sneak up on you when you aren't looking. "Wait! I was so comfortable and happy where I was...I was just getting use to it.." I would say when learning/growing and change would show up. But of course if you fallow them through they always bring you to this new awareness that can only be described by me as bliss. I love when you come out the other side of these trying situations and can look back and do a little victory dance. This time I got sick, and that's ok. It was my body telling me to slow down, take a step back and re-evaluate. I am thankful for this now, that I was able to identify the need to take care of myself, instead of waiting for others to pick up the slack. Irony is a beautiful thing don't you think? When we need love most, the mirror is a good place to start. (If you are picking up what I'm putting down, I highly recommend "You Can Heal Your Life" Louise L. Hay.)
I'm not quite at the victory dance but I once read a saying on a church sign that said "Faith is knowing in advance what will make sense in reverse", and you know what? It always does. I think I am ready to let go of being hard on myself and that's what this cold really has been. I trust that when I am back to healthy, I will continue on my journey to wee-dom, to freedom and to love myself, in all my different hats. No matter which one I have on, underneath it's always me, and I want to carry myself with love and integrity no matter who I am or what I am to anyone and everyone. So I'm going to continue looking in the mirror and saying "I love you" but not to each individual part of me, to ALLLL of me.
I want to end with this. At night when I put the Lollies to bed, I say "goodnight, I love you. Do you love you?" They always nod yes.
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