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Quick Sand

I feel like I'm at a stand still. I haven't been blogging because I'm embarrassed that I have no "real" progress to report and I feel like I've let you all down. I keep trying to pin point the reason for my un-success...and I'm realizing that's stupid. Harsh word, but it is stupid. A cd that I listen to every day, by Esther Hicks ("the teachings of Abraham") describes a scenario in which Esther and her husband Jerry and using a GPS to find a location, when they realize they are going in the wrong direction. Shortly after this realization the GPS informs them to basically make a u-turn and get back on the right path. Esther says to Jerry "isn't that odd, do you think I made a wrong turn, or do you think the GPS made a mistake? How about we retrace our steps and figure out where we went wrong." To which Jerry replies "or...we could just keep going right?"

It's a funny thing our desire to go back and delve into all the reasons why something that isn't working for us - isn't working. We've somehow been taught that our past will give us the right insight into what's screwed us up to the point at which we are at. I guess to some extent it does allow us to figure out why we feel the way we feel or do the things we do - but it doesn't give us instructions or a manual about what changes or steps we need to take to correct the situation, or get to our desired destination. We know what we don't want but how does that help us achieve what we DO want?
I have figured out a lot of the reasons why I struggle with my weight. Why it's up and down and extremisms. That I eat my emotions, and that I punish and reward myself with food because I can control it - so what? One thing I have realized that has put things into perspective is that I have always felt overweight, and I just though it for so long that it eventually became true. The power of our thoughts is amazing. It's only now that I know that it wasn't always so, I just believed it so badly that it became my reality. My mind can't tell the difference - when you tell it something long it enough it just becomes it. But shedding light on all of this hasn't given me the necessary tools to make the change I need and want, it's actually kind of made me feel worse. I am feeling like the more "light" I shed on the awful reasons, the more energy I put towards it, the more I am abusing myself with fist fulls of bad food, the more I sink into the quick sand of obesity. Yes I think I can honestly say I'm there - obese. I am so disappointed in myself and the more I get all the reasons out on the surface the more paralyzed I have become. So I'm done, I've got to look ahead - it doesn't matter why or how I got here. I just need to start walking forward.

So what have I done about this? Well, I talked to some friends and they have offered to throw me a rope. I appreciate all of them and will take them all up on their offers but I'd like to focus on one in particular that Hanna introduced me to and that is CROSS FIT.
Holy moly. Wow. OMG. As soon as I walked into the training facility I knew I was home. The more Kevin talked to me the more I had nothing to say - no story to tell, no poor me, I had two babies, my ab wall is smashed to smitherines, I use to be an avid runner, I have an athletic background...yada yada yada. He didn't need to hear it - it's what's been holding me back. I needed to just shut up and listen for once. And so that's what I did. He then put me through the most intense 9 and a half minute workout of my life. That's right folks, I couldn't even hold up a glass of water to my mouth today. I was hurting two hours after I left. I love it, I know I'm going to love it. His philosophy on health was perfect. He talked about fitness goals, nutrition goals and last but never least - self-awareness. I am so ready for this I can't even contain myself. I'm not even going to go on about it, I'm just going to take some before pictures and then keep posting the progress for you!
Thank you all for your notes, emails and bits of encouragement. I am so lucky to be surrounded near and far by such caring loving people. I feel like I'm on this journey for all women who want to see positive change and really be able to be the woman they feel they are inside. She's ready to come out and I am loving the journey of self-discovery! Here we go!
Here are links to the two points of reference in my blog today - enjoy! They are both well worth the few minutes to look through the website.
http://crossfitkelowna.com/
http://www.abraham-hickslawofattraction.com/lawofattractionstore/index.html

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