Every year around this time, my anxiety builds and bursts and it's not the kind of climax anybody is hoping for.
I always tell myself that I am not going to allow it to happen. Well this year after a lengthy chat with my exceptional friend and coach - I gave in and allowed away.
What you find when you allow is completely unexpected.
I assumed that when I let anxiety, anger and disappointment (insert any negative emotion) dance around in my head like sugar plums that I was welcoming it and fostering it. I have come to realize that this is a myth and holds no value whatsoever.
I recognized that my anxiety about Christmas has a lot to do with me holding on. Holding on to ideals and to the past/childhood with a white knuckle grip. I don't know how to let go, and move on. I am not 5 anymore and shits happens. People grow up and apart, parents split up, Santa turns to dust and at this time of year no matter how much you saved - money is fleeting.
There is this constant nagging lingering in the background for me all through the holidays. It's a build up and accumulation of my attempt to control my experience and also my own actions. In the midst of this overbearing cramming of my emotions to try and make them fit my box of unattainable expectations, I forget to see all that is happening in the now naturally going on around me. If I could stop building my time machine I would see that there is beauty budding and trying to grow that I keep forgetting to water. Instead of thinking "I'm going to be like this, and I'm going to do that, and say this and be sooooo __________" I am just going to be me. I am not going to put pressure on myself to be anything other than ME. I think that is enough.
My coach said it on Thursday in a nice neat little package statement "Expectations are an attempt to predict joy."
Ain't that the truth? How the heck can we try to recreate moments from our past or moments that we have never experienced at all but that we think we want? How to we know how to simulate happiness? If I do this...or put this here...or decorate like this...or buy this - I will feel happy (insert Robot voice). It's just suppose to happen organically...well how? Tell me how to make it happen naturally!
In my short experience on this earth so far I have come to realize that the moments we are trying to create cause us to miss the ones that are currently happening.
The holidays are loaded down with hopes and wishes. We inadvertently aggressively wish everyone we see wonderful, joyous happy holidays...or else. We tell them not to get stressed, to relax and let the love in - but do we take our own advice?? There is a huge disconnect with what we are allowed to feel and what we should feel. I mean "you better not cry...you better not pout"...? We are warned fresh out of the gates as children that we better get our happy faces on our SANTA will leave us cat poop in our stalkings (that's what you were told right?).
I was trying to explain to my kids what Christmas is really about and I found myself at a loss for words at first. Then I suddenly drifted into talking about being thankful. I mean this isn't Thanksgiving...or is it?
Maybe we just need to shift to gratitude - for what is and not was we expect to get. After all, there is a huge disconnect in trying to be grateful for things to come, things we have yet to even believe we deserve. If we can notice all the good we current have in our lives it's evidence that good things really do happen. It creates space for more good because we now believe that we really do deserve all the joy in the world and that we already possessed it we just forgot where it was. Misplaced joy. Not ever stopping to notice all the things that used to be "wants" that are now reality, just keep us running in that infinite hamster wheel of "want".
An example of this happened as I was loading my laundry on Friady. I realized that I finally owned my own washer and dryer! It's been over 2 years since we got our new appliances and I never even stopped to check it off my list of things I always wanted. Once I got them I was like - NEXT! What's next seems to be a constant state of motion. I need to STOP, DROP and ROLL around in all the glory of my life once in a while. It's all there but I just keep looking over the horizon. Well guess what - you never get to the horizon....you just keep walking around and around and around.
Our emotional let down at Christmas is not that different from a child writing out a list and not getting something on it. The let down is so incredible, that they don't see all the other wonderful gifts. But if this is what we unconsciously teach and breed - how can we not be a product of this? We are all still those little kids writing that list out and wishing upon the Christmas star.
For me this year my wish wasn't presents, or money or decorations. It was being able to sink in and let go, stop rushing and just be present (and an expensive yoga mat). I just had no idea that I had to let the crap in, sit with it for a moment or 5, in order to let it go out.
On Friday night, as I was traveling home after an extended day of last minute shopping, I stopped at the bank machine and forgot my pin on one of my cards (the most important one). After several panicked attempts I locked my card. I slammed the door and swore loudly. My kids, who never miss a beat yelled back "NO swearin' Mom!". I struggled to calm down. Now the bank would have to send me a new card and I am leaving at some ungodly hour for up north. Why was this happening?
Well shit. Why? Because shit happens...Because sometimes you get so busy that you forget your damn bank card pin. What was I going to do about it? Slamming the door and freaking out wasn't going to unlock my card but damn it felt good. It had been building and bubbling below the surface behind every smile and every polite little "excuse me". I had held my own through the mall parking lot, the bully honkers in traffic, all the shopping and excessive card swiping and now it was time to blow a bit. So I let it out and it felt damn good let me tell ya. I felt so light afterwards. I felt like I had honoured myself and just taken a moment to release the beast. When I got home and I called to get things sorted out with my bank, I was happy and polite and it all got sorted out! Well would ya look a that!
Yesterday we traveled 16 hours to northern British Columbia. Terrace iscold as balls where Danny is from and in my personal opinion one of THE most beautiful places I have visited on earth to date. I love it here. It's magical. In order to get here we had to make the trek. 16 hours of uninterrupted time with my family...in a small contained area.
There were choices around every windy corner, through every "are we there yet?" and all the exhausted misdirected snarky conversations about where we should stop and what playlist we should play. I had to stop many times and just take a breath and remember that these are the moments that make the difference - where the magic happens. They are the wee snippets of time where change happens.
The holidays are like being in a batting cage on overdrive. It just keeps getting thrown at you - in the traffic, the honking, the shopping, the rushing, the forgetting to pick up, cleaning, visiting, spending...stress balls thrown one after another sometimes with no pause in between! When we ask for joy we are handed (whipped/chucked) an opportunity to practice it. Joy isn't a default state of being blissed out because nothing is going on around you (unless you are on Ativan like I was last year) - it's choosing joy while listening to your kids ask "are we there yet" only 20 minutes into 16 hours.
Joy doesn't just happen. It's a specific ability that becomes much like an art form - a decision making process where we can choose to steer the wheel or curl up in a ball in the backseat and give our power away.
This Christmas is no different than any other - in fact this is the first time we have decided to drive 16 hours in iffy weather conditions - adding potential stress. We still spent more than we wanted to, we didn't get it all done (or even close). But that being said, this Christmas is different because I'm not striving for joy as if it was an external attainment. I am not reaching out for it because I know that it is always within reach, if I close my eyes, breath deeply, put my hand over my heart and refocus.
*OR if I want to slam a door and swear that's ok too.
I am here in a beautiful place with my wonderful family. We all have our quirks but that is what makes us who we are. I miss my parents and my sister and my friends back in Kelowna, but I know that I have them with me because I wouldn't be who I am without them - they are all a part of me no matter where I am. Money was spent but money will come again and for now it doesn't matter. I will miss yoga but when I think about it I am sure I can wing it on the new mat...that Oliver told me Daddy got me for Christmas.
;)
We are not victims of the Holidays- we are conscious decision makers with a whole plethora choices. So I'm choosing to let it go - to complain less and smile more and make space for myself to just be.
And here is a picture from the past because it shows me how fast time goes so I better be in it!
I always tell myself that I am not going to allow it to happen. Well this year after a lengthy chat with my exceptional friend and coach - I gave in and allowed away.
What you find when you allow is completely unexpected.
I assumed that when I let anxiety, anger and disappointment (insert any negative emotion) dance around in my head like sugar plums that I was welcoming it and fostering it. I have come to realize that this is a myth and holds no value whatsoever.
I recognized that my anxiety about Christmas has a lot to do with me holding on. Holding on to ideals and to the past/childhood with a white knuckle grip. I don't know how to let go, and move on. I am not 5 anymore and shits happens. People grow up and apart, parents split up, Santa turns to dust and at this time of year no matter how much you saved - money is fleeting.
There is this constant nagging lingering in the background for me all through the holidays. It's a build up and accumulation of my attempt to control my experience and also my own actions. In the midst of this overbearing cramming of my emotions to try and make them fit my box of unattainable expectations, I forget to see all that is happening in the now naturally going on around me. If I could stop building my time machine I would see that there is beauty budding and trying to grow that I keep forgetting to water. Instead of thinking "I'm going to be like this, and I'm going to do that, and say this and be sooooo __________" I am just going to be me. I am not going to put pressure on myself to be anything other than ME. I think that is enough.
My coach said it on Thursday in a nice neat little package statement "Expectations are an attempt to predict joy."
Ain't that the truth? How the heck can we try to recreate moments from our past or moments that we have never experienced at all but that we think we want? How to we know how to simulate happiness? If I do this...or put this here...or decorate like this...or buy this - I will feel happy (insert Robot voice). It's just suppose to happen organically...well how? Tell me how to make it happen naturally!
In my short experience on this earth so far I have come to realize that the moments we are trying to create cause us to miss the ones that are currently happening.
The holidays are loaded down with hopes and wishes. We inadvertently aggressively wish everyone we see wonderful, joyous happy holidays...or else. We tell them not to get stressed, to relax and let the love in - but do we take our own advice?? There is a huge disconnect with what we are allowed to feel and what we should feel. I mean "you better not cry...you better not pout"...? We are warned fresh out of the gates as children that we better get our happy faces on our SANTA will leave us cat poop in our stalkings (that's what you were told right?).
I was trying to explain to my kids what Christmas is really about and I found myself at a loss for words at first. Then I suddenly drifted into talking about being thankful. I mean this isn't Thanksgiving...or is it?
Maybe we just need to shift to gratitude - for what is and not was we expect to get. After all, there is a huge disconnect in trying to be grateful for things to come, things we have yet to even believe we deserve. If we can notice all the good we current have in our lives it's evidence that good things really do happen. It creates space for more good because we now believe that we really do deserve all the joy in the world and that we already possessed it we just forgot where it was. Misplaced joy. Not ever stopping to notice all the things that used to be "wants" that are now reality, just keep us running in that infinite hamster wheel of "want".
An example of this happened as I was loading my laundry on Friady. I realized that I finally owned my own washer and dryer! It's been over 2 years since we got our new appliances and I never even stopped to check it off my list of things I always wanted. Once I got them I was like - NEXT! What's next seems to be a constant state of motion. I need to STOP, DROP and ROLL around in all the glory of my life once in a while. It's all there but I just keep looking over the horizon. Well guess what - you never get to the horizon....you just keep walking around and around and around.
Our emotional let down at Christmas is not that different from a child writing out a list and not getting something on it. The let down is so incredible, that they don't see all the other wonderful gifts. But if this is what we unconsciously teach and breed - how can we not be a product of this? We are all still those little kids writing that list out and wishing upon the Christmas star.
For me this year my wish wasn't presents, or money or decorations. It was being able to sink in and let go, stop rushing and just be present (and an expensive yoga mat). I just had no idea that I had to let the crap in, sit with it for a moment or 5, in order to let it go out.
On Friday night, as I was traveling home after an extended day of last minute shopping, I stopped at the bank machine and forgot my pin on one of my cards (the most important one). After several panicked attempts I locked my card. I slammed the door and swore loudly. My kids, who never miss a beat yelled back "NO swearin' Mom!". I struggled to calm down. Now the bank would have to send me a new card and I am leaving at some ungodly hour for up north. Why was this happening?
Well shit. Why? Because shit happens...Because sometimes you get so busy that you forget your damn bank card pin. What was I going to do about it? Slamming the door and freaking out wasn't going to unlock my card but damn it felt good. It had been building and bubbling below the surface behind every smile and every polite little "excuse me". I had held my own through the mall parking lot, the bully honkers in traffic, all the shopping and excessive card swiping and now it was time to blow a bit. So I let it out and it felt damn good let me tell ya. I felt so light afterwards. I felt like I had honoured myself and just taken a moment to release the beast. When I got home and I called to get things sorted out with my bank, I was happy and polite and it all got sorted out! Well would ya look a that!
Yesterday we traveled 16 hours to northern British Columbia. Terrace is
There were choices around every windy corner, through every "are we there yet?" and all the exhausted misdirected snarky conversations about where we should stop and what playlist we should play. I had to stop many times and just take a breath and remember that these are the moments that make the difference - where the magic happens. They are the wee snippets of time where change happens.
The holidays are like being in a batting cage on overdrive. It just keeps getting thrown at you - in the traffic, the honking, the shopping, the rushing, the forgetting to pick up, cleaning, visiting, spending...stress balls thrown one after another sometimes with no pause in between! When we ask for joy we are handed (whipped/chucked) an opportunity to practice it. Joy isn't a default state of being blissed out because nothing is going on around you (unless you are on Ativan like I was last year) - it's choosing joy while listening to your kids ask "are we there yet" only 20 minutes into 16 hours.
Joy doesn't just happen. It's a specific ability that becomes much like an art form - a decision making process where we can choose to steer the wheel or curl up in a ball in the backseat and give our power away.
This Christmas is no different than any other - in fact this is the first time we have decided to drive 16 hours in iffy weather conditions - adding potential stress. We still spent more than we wanted to, we didn't get it all done (or even close). But that being said, this Christmas is different because I'm not striving for joy as if it was an external attainment. I am not reaching out for it because I know that it is always within reach, if I close my eyes, breath deeply, put my hand over my heart and refocus.
*OR if I want to slam a door and swear that's ok too.
I am here in a beautiful place with my wonderful family. We all have our quirks but that is what makes us who we are. I miss my parents and my sister and my friends back in Kelowna, but I know that I have them with me because I wouldn't be who I am without them - they are all a part of me no matter where I am. Money was spent but money will come again and for now it doesn't matter. I will miss yoga but when I think about it I am sure I can wing it on the new mat...that Oliver told me Daddy got me for Christmas.
;)
We are not victims of the Holidays- we are conscious decision makers with a whole plethora choices. So I'm choosing to let it go - to complain less and smile more and make space for myself to just be.
And here is a picture from the past because it shows me how fast time goes so I better be in it!
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