Shedding the old and stepping into the new

Back at it!! I hope you are ready for this...

So just to jump right in, I have been doing bodyrock now for a month, with one day off a week. Please, for you own sake, visit www.bodyrock.tv and thank me later. It's wonderful and it has given me my confidence back - specifically my workout confidence.

I did an interesting thing today.

Now, before I get into this interesting thing I did, and purposely leaving you in suspense because every good blog needs an element of suspense, I have to say that I have been wondering about the accuracy of my thoughts towards my weight. You know, on that show where they get the guest to place herself in amongst the other ladies in their underwear and she always goes and puts herself in a higher weight than she really is? Well I think for me it would be the opposite. When I meet with clients for their life insurance, I have to ask their height and weight and sometimes I try to guess in my head in respect to my own weight and height. I am always sadly surprised to realize our weights are not even close...meaning mine is a much bigger gap than I think compared to others.

So, today I decided to video tape myself on my phone doing my workout and then watch it. Surprisingly and as disappointed as I was, I felt empowered to know that I look much heavier than I thought I was. Seeing this immediately stunned me with "now I can stop telling myself it's not that bad, and it's ok to eat all those chips" etc. Do you know what I am getting at?

I was downplaying the abuse to my own body in order to allow it to continue and completely get out of hand. It is out of hand (or I should say was). I didn't recognize the girl running on the spot, doing high knees or jump tucks. Exercise has always looked and come easily to me. She, this girl who was most definitely was me, had very little athletic ability, and quite frankly appeared to be working out for the first time. Those of you who have known me the greater part of my life will know that I have been a long distance runner and a gym junkie and have always prided myself on my strong legs and athletic build. Was I ever skinny minnie? No, but I had a build that represented my personality. Strong.

Then the realization hit.

Maybe it's not just my body that has lost strength but my mind and spirit as well. Perhaps my body has started to gradually show me in plain view that it's reflecting my (difficult) transition from "faux" strength (one that seemed naively unwavering, an innate attitude that I thought would just last without putting any work or conscious thought towards) into questioning my authentic self and strength, to build a true strength and confidence that was impermeable to others conditional impression, feedback, or opinion about who THEY thought I was (which is always subject to how they truly feel about themselves). I have had to breakdown my once seemingly confidence self to build her back up again. Like a bone healing stronger after it's been broken, I am stronger. I have been to hell and back. I have been to 170 lbs and now I have commenced my journey to new heights, not weight.

Instead of working so hard at going back, I am looking forward. This is not me unsuccessfully trying to get back to an old me, a pre-mothered, pre-seasoned or weathered me - but someone I have yet to even meet. I have new beliefs about myself, new goals and I will have a new body. I shed my old skin, my old desire to be thin and now I am ready to just be me and wear her proudly for all to see. I don't need to hide behind an old version of myself anymore, or wear her overtop of who I have become. I can take her off now.

I love me, and I can proudly say I can now look in the mirror and say that because I am not looking in the mirror at a shell of what was, but that spark or shimmer of what I am constantly becoming.

Thanks for being with me on this journey that I would never of imagined would have such great depth. I do it for you too.

Love.