A bigger me is a more protected, safer, less intimate me.

In my struggle to loose weight, even through crossfit and a much better diet, my mind has been blown by my self awareness towards: My fear of intimacy. It's directly related to my weight gain/retention. "Grace afraid of intimacy? She spills her guts to anyone who will listen! She doesn't get embarrassed or hold back. She speaks her mind and says whatever she feels the urge to say." Well my friends that is not intimacy for me. Read on.

One definition of intimacy (keeping in mind it's not always sex) is "closeness: a feeling of being intimate and belonging together".

It might sound cliche, or cheesy but over the last week or so I have a profound realization - an epiphany really, that dawned on me during a conversation with my friend Carly. I won't go into too much personal detail but we were discussing feeling "scared" of closeness, of commitment, expectations and essentially, intimacy.

I felt a pretty strong sinking feeling in my gut that it went a lot deeper than what we were initially talking about and began self-observing over the course of the week to follow. I noticed Danny reaching out to me, as I kept saying I wanted to be closer and more connected but as soon as he would make an attempt I would slap down his outstretched hand. A wake-up-call-slap-in-the-face occurred when he came to to me and said "I am making an effort to change the things you have asked me to change, to be close...and you keep raising the bar, it's unattainable Grace, so I need you to decide. Do you want this or not?" I was left sitting in the truck with the sting of truth.

I realized in that moment that I do want "this" and that I can't continue to ask for something that I won't even allow to exist in my experience. Needless to say, I need to walk to walk. If I want closeness, I need to stop chasing it down and then beating it off with a wooden stick. I've been constantly pursuing something I couldn't even handle...for the last umpteen years of my life.

How does this tie in with my journey to weedom? Interestingly enough, I realized that as my relationship(s) grow and become more intense, not just with Danny but with people around me (friends, family, clients) I feel more and more uncomfortable (or scared) and a greater need to protect myself. More seems to be at stake. When my the importance of the closeness goes up, so does my weight gain. In other words...I have been holding on to the weight to avoid closeness. If I am self-conscious, I have a reason to hold back, to think I am unloveable and keep my distance. Being intimate (close or firmly bonded) with someone is a pretty large investment into vulnerability and in my opinion risk. What if they don't love me, all of me? What if they leave?

In order for me to allow my true self to shine through and drop the weight forever I need to be comfortable with the woman underneath. I need to let go of the fears that are inflating me into thinking I need this weight to protect myself, stop using it as a shield.

Being comfortable with who I am means allowing that to shine through. I don't need to hide behind a bigger version of myself so that when I am rejected I can use it as an excuse. I want to allow closeness to happen. Hug, cuddle and be fully available to the people I love.

New affirmation: I feel safe.