I know, it's been a while. I wish I could be more consistent with my writing but it's kinda just when the moment strikes me. I could write 30 blog entries one day, and then none for three months.
First things first, I have lost 20 lbs! Yay exciting right? You'd think so, except I am totally terrified and notice the self-sabotaging crawling up my leg like a boa constrictor. Why is it that I can work so hard at something and then think to myself "this is too good to be true, you can't keep it up" so then I start working my old habits back in until I have hung myself up on a hook by my own underwear again?! It's really getting old and starting to chafe...
I feel so good but of course there are still these set back that occur. Let me be totally honest - I REALLY don't want to argue with bags of chips anymore. Why can't I just have a handful? Why does it have to be this weird sneak back a thousand times until I am mad at myself game? The first week of my strict diet I did amazingly. I didn't have one things I wasn't suppose to, I didn't step out of line for a second. I made all the meals properly, I ate at the right times. It was meant to last forever that way but the second week in when we went on vacation... it was one small thing that turned into a snowball effects of bad decisions. Even though I have lost weight, I have come to a halt and I just cannot for the life of me seem to get myself back on track. Why am I my own worst enemy?
I have broken out the skinny-ish clothes, I am about half way down the pile and still lots to go. I couldn't even begin to tell you the warm excited feeling I had the first night I went out to see some friends and wore a tight tank top. One friend who I see regularly actually didn't even recognize me! Part of my health regime was 5 weeks of cleanse (no coffee, no alcohol, no sugar, balanced meals at regular times etc.). I was allowed green tea. I have to say my mood was so stellar that I vowed never drink coffee again or booze for that matter. Ugh. I just don't know why I started with the coffee again! I have mentioned this before, but it just ruins me! I turn into the hulk but with no reason to be mad or rip my shirt off. Just everything irritates me. So why then is it so hard to stop? Who cares if people around me are drinking it. "Say NO, then GO and TELL, tell someone you trust"....that you need an intervention from yourself!! Side note: do you remember that commercial with Emmanuel "Webster" Lewis about inappropriate touching? Well in this case it applies to inappropriate self abuse via food and beverage.
I am realizing that most problems with food and money (as I can closely relate the two since I am in the financial services industry) are largely due to our difficulty to live in the NOW. Nothing is ever sufficient or good enough. Genee Roth (one of my favorite authors) speaks about how the Buddhists say we have "a mouth the size of a needle's eye and a stomach the size of a mountain". Our desires are insatiable. We can't seem to get enough. When I am eating a chip I am already thinking about the next chip by the time I am one crunch in. What the heck is that about? What's the point in eating the chip if I am just planning on my next gluttonous move before I've even finished the first one. Then once I have let it get too far, and I make sure the guilt is good and set in, before I consider stopping. Then the next step has commenced - "beat thyself up" to the point where you punish yourself with more food! Thought pattern sounds a bit like this *clears throat* "Well you already ruined your day with that chocolate, may as well just go for the gusto and eat pizza or a cheeseburger. You suck as it is, if you are going to commit might as well fully commit." SAYYYYY WHAAAAAAA? Sheesh (because I cannot insert the profanity I want to write here).
I will say that journaling does help. I can see my thoughts and feelings and then realize that I won't feel better by food prescription. Not only that but if I eat my feelings it will just mask whatever is going on until I am in a confused food coma and cannot remember what emotional turmoil I had to deal with in the first place. However, it is a little hard when you are at a restaurant, bar or visiting with a girlfriend to say "hold that thought" I need to write my deepest emotions out so that I don't accept that cookie you just offered me. Or how about when I am with a client and they offer me some coffee? I think "they don't know my journey to wee-dom, I can't politely accept and pretend it won't send me into a relapse". Now let's just touch on this "politely" piece to this gigantic 3D puzzle. I am afraid to offend people so I eat things I really don't want to. I eat more because I get so uncomfortable when people say "that's all you are going to eat??" . What I should say is "hell yeah that's all I'm going to eat because what you don't know is that if I indulge I am going to walk out of here and go to the bulk candy isle and go into an eating frenzy while crying alone in my car listening to Bon Jovi, 'bed of roses' and reminisce about a junior high dance when I felt on top of the world. *deep breath*
I am happy for this journey everyday. What I have learned about my attachment to food and my body extends to all areas of my life, it's really how I feel about most things especially how I feel about myself. Sometimes it's two steps forward one and a half back but I am just enjoying the process, the journey, the climb! I hope you are too because we really are already beautiful, it's learning how to truly feel it and believe it each and every day!
LOVE!
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