I'm always thinking about what people think. Mostly what do they think of me? What's their impression of me? What I do, how I look, but mostly what I say. I think that this contributes to my body image issues. It's really friggen exhausting caring so damn much about something you can't control - what other people think. Or can you? Can't you try to be everything to all people and then, surely then everyone will LOVE you!?!
When I get home from a day full of meetings with clients my head and my "heart" are so worn out from trying to get inside other people's heads and not only asses their financial hopes and dreams but also what they think of me. I watch myself go straight to the fridge. It's like nicotine for some people. Once it touches my lips relief washes over me. I'm a food addict. There I said it.
When it comes to my weight, and meeting new people, I am seriously thinking to myself "I should tell them this isn't the real me. That I'm in here somewhere but I am wearing a fat suit. That I'm just going through, well...a hard time?". Why do I think they would care? I guess I feel like everyone looks at me differently depending on my weight. I think I've mentioned this before (my fear of judgement based on my weight, which is just really my fear of judgement) but I want to explore the thought process maybe to uncover some mysteries that might be helpful in this journey!
Every single morning starts out with this "I'm going to do it" attitude. Today's the day I turn a new leaf and stick to it! I'm going to make good food choices, eat slowly, drink lots of water, go for a run (etc), eat less and NOT THINK ABOUT FOOD. That lasts about 5 minutes. I get up and I go through the getting ready process in my head it goes like this: "ok I'm going to have to shower, and hope that it's a good hair day because I know that outfit is not going to fit any differently today, it'll still be too tight and I'll have to throw a scarf on to try and hide the top button that's pulling a little. I'll try to take extra time and do my make-up nice so that that's the focal point...maybe shade my cheek bones better this time so that my face looks less fat." Seriously, this is what goes through my head. If I can't be skinny I might as well have nice hair, or make-up? WTF? Like who gives a crap? Where did these thoughts come from? Am I the only one who thinks this way?
Last night we had some friends over and while I was talking to someone I caught a glimpse of myself in the window. I felt awful. I kept thinking - is this real? I never know whether I am exaggerating it or making it less bad than it really is. I teeter between the two. I don't know what is more helpful to me to make change? Being angry at myself (punishment) or trying to be gentle ("it's not so bad")?
We are suppose to be having a clothing swap in April. I'm nervous. I am pretty sure I'm the least skinny of all my girl friends right now (no, I'm sure), and I won't have anyone to swap with. I tried to come up with excuses not to go, but I decide to be honest. That got me thinking, am I the fat friend? If so, is that a bad thing? Heather L. told me "none of us are the same size" but really none of us are MY size...it seems fact to me and I don't know how to change my thinking about it. Sometimes I just wish my friends would say - "Grace you are really gaining a lot of weight" and then most days I know I couldn't handle it. Am I? Or am I just going crazy, obsessing over this?
Realistically its 30 lbs but to me it's the 30 lbs that has been on again off again that I just want to say good bye to forever. It's scaring me that I have only lost about 5-6 lbs since I started this blog. I am happy that I have really had to look within and delve into my bad long standing relationship with my weight, this time it just feels really slow going. I feel stuck. Every time I learn something new about myself I feel like shrieking EUREKA! and then I feel like it didn't make a lick of a difference.
Do you want to know what people think of you Grace?
ReplyDeleteThey want to be you.
Think of your life as a brick of clay. Everyone only has so much clay, and you have to build something beautiful by manipulating the clay. You put so much clay into your family, your friends, and your career, there just isn't as much clay left for the superficial stuff.
Your sculpture is beautiful Grace.
You have to know that if you put some of that clay into the superficial aspects of your being, that you'd have to take clay from somewhere else.
YOU ONLY HAVE SO MUCH CLAY!
Just gotta say; I walked out of that clothing swap with the only 2 pairs of jeans that fit me - both yours. And they're tight.
ReplyDeleteI've noticed that we tend to see the world with 'skinny mirrored' glasses. I've always though of myself as the fat friend, and looked at my girlfriends in awe of their perfection, including you.
As it turns out, some people look at me that way too. Is it because I'm really much skinnier than I think I am? Or is it because people just love me, so it doesn't matter what my weight is because when they look at me they see something they like? I'd rather take the latter.
xoxo