vul·ner·a·ble : To be exposed to the possibility of being harmed or hurt physically or emotionally.
What does it mean to you?
To me it seemed it was a decision. When and if I would decide to show someone my heart - tell them my hurts, show my tears, my fears and my true self.
Even writing the word gives me weird little butterflies in my stomach. Vulnerability seems like a hot topic these days. We are trying to figure it out, what it means and how to do it more often. It use to be such a scary thing - even when we weren't aware we were doing it, trying to hide our weaknesses so that others couldn't hurt us. As if hiding out ever really protected our hearts (long drawn out eye roll). Avoiding experience causes hurt too, the what if's and the not knowing. Either way it's scary.
I found out that being vulnerable, really and truly vulnerable, is a spontaneous thing that can't be planned or prepared for. Vulnerable via virus.
You can't hide out from the flu. Really though, you can't. We try and we try to avoid anyone we know with the flu. You might get lucky and it'll pass you by, or it's a strain you have already built up immunity towards so it doesn't get'cha. If someone says their kids have been sick we say find out where they might be in the next few days and avoid those areas, well...like the plague. It's so hard to really know when and who is contagious. If you go out at all, even to pump gas you are susceptible. We are humans and no matter how strong willed we are - we are mortal which mean by nature we are physically weak...compared to Vampires anyway.
But yes, I became unwillingly vulnerable. I didn't get to decide. I needed Danny - to take the kids to daycare, get me some kombucha (the most wonderful cocktail of good bacteria in the world, my immune system says "yay!' when I pull out the bucha). In short, I needed my Mommy...
At first I was hell bent on the highway anger and guilt built. Let me just say, that guilt is about as "useless as an asshole right here" (points to elbow) - Kill Bill, Vol. 2, Larry Gomez. I was angry that I was so violently ill, backtracking through my memory of who I could have gotten it from and how I let my immune system fail me sprinkled with guilt that people were relying on me to be where I said I was going to be and I wasn't.
Now let me take a minute to just say that this is a major contradiction in society. You can't please everyone - if you are sick, people are mad/disappointed that you didn't fulfill your commitments and if you go around them then you are an inconsiderate jerk because you spread your germs around. To me, we need to change the priority - the focus is wrong. If you are sick - you need to take care of yourself, not for me so that I don't get it - but for YOU. Take care of yourself so that you can recover and be the best YOU possible - that is what is going to be best for you and positively affect me and everyone else around you. That is building community - when we can finally take care of ourselves properly and without GUILT then we can also take care of others because our tank is full - we are rejuvenated. How can we think about our families, friends and neighbours when we are depleted/empty?
The answer is we can't, it's not possible.
We need to be more accommodating to 'time outs' or even better 'time ins'. Prevention is taking the time and good care every single day - not just during sickness. It's our job to take care of ourselves, not anybody else's. I use to love getting sick because it meant extra love and attention from others. What I didn't see what that I liked it so much because I was depriving myself of those things on the regular and I was empty. It's wonderful to be health focused and doing the day to day things to build your immune system (vs breaking it down) but your stress level can still betray you also. What we really need to do is take better care of ourselves in all areas, before disaster strikes. You know do that self check-IN - but we don't, we wait until the shit hits the fan because a 'mental health day' is for selfish pansies right? Often, and even more so in older generations (there are studies on how this is happening less in younger generations), we give everyone else ALL of what we have, and we are left with little to nothing. We don't take that extra day off, or ask for some alone time because we don't think we deserve it. Now how's that workin'? This isn't just about illness, it's about being emotionally and mentally depleted as well. Where's the time in the schedule built for self-honouring?
I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, but now I'm going door to door with my pamphlets.
When I started to feel sick at 2am on Monday night I was angry and panicked because of an important work trip I was due to leave for Tuesday a.m. This morning I finally talked to my marketing assistant who told me that all the client appointments she called to cancel were....wait for it....sick. They were going to cancel anyway!!! We would have embarked on the most dangerous highway in Canada - The Coquihalla that goes through mega high summits - only to get a call as soon as we arrived that our appointments were cancelling anyway.
So look at that. I was so focused on who I was going to let down that I couldn't see that it was a fantastic thing I ended up sick, safely tucked into my bed even if I was writhing in pain.
We never know with any unexpected or undesired event whether it's a good or a bad thing. It is what it is and sometimes we need just ride the wave and see where it takes us.
There is a story in "Zen Shorts" (a book my dad got the kids with a Panda wearing shorts on the front by John J. Muth) called "Maybe" - please don't SKIM this part, it's a great story:
There is a Taoist story of an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. "Such bad luck," they said sympathetically. "May be," the farmer replied.
The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. "How wonderful," the neighbors exclaimed. "May be," replied the old man.
The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune. "May be," answered the farmer. The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son's leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out. "May be," said the farmer.
It's so hard to tell at first glance whether or not something is good luck or bad luck. Is it really luck at all? Are we not all on course? The key to me, is to pay attention. Had I been stuck feeling guilty I probably wouldn't have been able to see how well the flu had worked out for me. Not to mention that sometimes we will never get to see what we were possibly saved from.
Trust. It's a scary thing. I often toy with the thought or concept of trust because we think that trust means having faith in another person to not do you wrong. Over the years my trust has been broken several times in many different excruciating ways. I have broken many peoples trust as well, not always on purpose and not always knowingly. How are we really to know what someone else holds in their expectation of trust? It's such an easy thing to break really. We think about what we expect and say "It's not that much to ask!" To the asker maybe it isn't, but we all have our own hurts and fears that lead us to require something different in order to protect ourselves.
Trust has become more of a general faith for me. Faith that everything always works out in the end, and if it hasn't worked out - it's not the end. Instead of having ideals of things working out in a particular way or order, I often just allow whatever I need (which most of the time I even know what that is) to find it's way to, while I keep my eye peeled. You can call it faith, prayer, the secret, the magic, hocus pocus, voodoo, of spiritual garbledeegoop. Who cares - it's all a decision to believe that when we are awake and have our eyes open, we will see how different people, places and events come into our lives for a reason. The reason is always there - the hard part is letting go enough of what we thought we needed in order to see what we actually did in fact need. The second part is trusting in ourselves to manage/recognize whatever it is that is brought into our experience and handle the shit out of it.
Own it.
Group Participation:
If you don't mind I will ask you to walk through a wee exercise with me. This is fun.
Look around your room and I want you to notice everything that is brown. Take note of it all.
Close your eyes.
Now with your eyes still closed - well you will have to open them to read this - tell me everything you say that was yellow.
Tough to do, because when you are only looking for one particular thing you won't notice anything else, like the little gifts that come to you, they will float right by you or they might even smack you in the face or trip you but you will be too angry to notice and shove them aside.
The flu felt like the end of the world for 24 hours but in reality there are people suffering a great deal more than I am so I shifted my focus to gratitude.
I am grateful for the flu - in that it was only the flu. I'm alive and fully recovered. In fact, I am learning to be grateful for every single thing that happens in my life, even when I stub my toe. I am grateful because I know there was a reason I was not suppose to travel to Vancouver. I am also grateful for a day to myself in my house, even if I made new friends with the toilet. If we don't slow down - life will do it for us. As I have said before, our bodies know better than our brains what we need and sometimes they just shut down in order to give that to us. I watched movies and cuddled with myself. Maybe next time I will just take a healthy me day and do all these things without the crappy flu symptoms :)
I always try to remember that I won't be handed anything I can't handle, and in those moments when I don't think I can handle it I am FORCED to dig deeper for strength I didn't know I had and that my friends, is good old necessary growth! That's why they call it growing pains.
Learning to let go, be vulnerable and trust that everything will always work out is one of the hardest lessons in life. I am hopping on board that train and I know that it's the only way to get where I am suppose to be going, otherwise I am preventing my own destiny and to be honest it's much more enjoyable going with the flow than sitting and stewing in my own dung. Shits gonna happen - can't argue that - but I have a choice and that choice is letting go of the white knuckle grip I have had for so long. I'm starting to hold on a little more loosely and sometimes I even throw my hands in air! And in the words of some guy named Taio Cruz "I wanna celebrate and live my life, sayin Ayo, Baby let's go!" ;) And now that song is in your head...you're welcome.
With love and gratitude and great vulnerability,
Grace E.
What does it mean to you?
To me it seemed it was a decision. When and if I would decide to show someone my heart - tell them my hurts, show my tears, my fears and my true self.
Even writing the word gives me weird little butterflies in my stomach. Vulnerability seems like a hot topic these days. We are trying to figure it out, what it means and how to do it more often. It use to be such a scary thing - even when we weren't aware we were doing it, trying to hide our weaknesses so that others couldn't hurt us. As if hiding out ever really protected our hearts (long drawn out eye roll). Avoiding experience causes hurt too, the what if's and the not knowing. Either way it's scary.
I found out that being vulnerable, really and truly vulnerable, is a spontaneous thing that can't be planned or prepared for. Vulnerable via virus.
You can't hide out from the flu. Really though, you can't. We try and we try to avoid anyone we know with the flu. You might get lucky and it'll pass you by, or it's a strain you have already built up immunity towards so it doesn't get'cha. If someone says their kids have been sick we say find out where they might be in the next few days and avoid those areas, well...like the plague. It's so hard to really know when and who is contagious. If you go out at all, even to pump gas you are susceptible. We are humans and no matter how strong willed we are - we are mortal which mean by nature we are physically weak...compared to Vampires anyway.
But yes, I became unwillingly vulnerable. I didn't get to decide. I needed Danny - to take the kids to daycare, get me some kombucha (the most wonderful cocktail of good bacteria in the world, my immune system says "yay!' when I pull out the bucha). In short, I needed my Mommy...
At first I was hell bent on the highway anger and guilt built. Let me just say, that guilt is about as "useless as an asshole right here" (points to elbow) - Kill Bill, Vol. 2, Larry Gomez. I was angry that I was so violently ill, backtracking through my memory of who I could have gotten it from and how I let my immune system fail me sprinkled with guilt that people were relying on me to be where I said I was going to be and I wasn't.
Now let me take a minute to just say that this is a major contradiction in society. You can't please everyone - if you are sick, people are mad/disappointed that you didn't fulfill your commitments and if you go around them then you are an inconsiderate jerk because you spread your germs around. To me, we need to change the priority - the focus is wrong. If you are sick - you need to take care of yourself, not for me so that I don't get it - but for YOU. Take care of yourself so that you can recover and be the best YOU possible - that is what is going to be best for you and positively affect me and everyone else around you. That is building community - when we can finally take care of ourselves properly and without GUILT then we can also take care of others because our tank is full - we are rejuvenated. How can we think about our families, friends and neighbours when we are depleted/empty?
The answer is we can't, it's not possible.
We need to be more accommodating to 'time outs' or even better 'time ins'. Prevention is taking the time and good care every single day - not just during sickness. It's our job to take care of ourselves, not anybody else's. I use to love getting sick because it meant extra love and attention from others. What I didn't see what that I liked it so much because I was depriving myself of those things on the regular and I was empty. It's wonderful to be health focused and doing the day to day things to build your immune system (vs breaking it down) but your stress level can still betray you also. What we really need to do is take better care of ourselves in all areas, before disaster strikes. You know do that self check-IN - but we don't, we wait until the shit hits the fan because a 'mental health day' is for selfish pansies right? Often, and even more so in older generations (there are studies on how this is happening less in younger generations), we give everyone else ALL of what we have, and we are left with little to nothing. We don't take that extra day off, or ask for some alone time because we don't think we deserve it. Now how's that workin'? This isn't just about illness, it's about being emotionally and mentally depleted as well. Where's the time in the schedule built for self-honouring?
I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, but now I'm going door to door with my pamphlets.
When I started to feel sick at 2am on Monday night I was angry and panicked because of an important work trip I was due to leave for Tuesday a.m. This morning I finally talked to my marketing assistant who told me that all the client appointments she called to cancel were....wait for it....sick. They were going to cancel anyway!!! We would have embarked on the most dangerous highway in Canada - The Coquihalla that goes through mega high summits - only to get a call as soon as we arrived that our appointments were cancelling anyway.
So look at that. I was so focused on who I was going to let down that I couldn't see that it was a fantastic thing I ended up sick, safely tucked into my bed even if I was writhing in pain.
We never know with any unexpected or undesired event whether it's a good or a bad thing. It is what it is and sometimes we need just ride the wave and see where it takes us.
There is a story in "Zen Shorts" (a book my dad got the kids with a Panda wearing shorts on the front by John J. Muth) called "Maybe" - please don't SKIM this part, it's a great story:
There is a Taoist story of an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. "Such bad luck," they said sympathetically. "May be," the farmer replied.
The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. "How wonderful," the neighbors exclaimed. "May be," replied the old man.
The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune. "May be," answered the farmer. The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son's leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out. "May be," said the farmer.
It's so hard to tell at first glance whether or not something is good luck or bad luck. Is it really luck at all? Are we not all on course? The key to me, is to pay attention. Had I been stuck feeling guilty I probably wouldn't have been able to see how well the flu had worked out for me. Not to mention that sometimes we will never get to see what we were possibly saved from.
Trust. It's a scary thing. I often toy with the thought or concept of trust because we think that trust means having faith in another person to not do you wrong. Over the years my trust has been broken several times in many different excruciating ways. I have broken many peoples trust as well, not always on purpose and not always knowingly. How are we really to know what someone else holds in their expectation of trust? It's such an easy thing to break really. We think about what we expect and say "It's not that much to ask!" To the asker maybe it isn't, but we all have our own hurts and fears that lead us to require something different in order to protect ourselves.
Trust has become more of a general faith for me. Faith that everything always works out in the end, and if it hasn't worked out - it's not the end. Instead of having ideals of things working out in a particular way or order, I often just allow whatever I need (which most of the time I even know what that is) to find it's way to, while I keep my eye peeled. You can call it faith, prayer, the secret, the magic, hocus pocus, voodoo, of spiritual garbledeegoop. Who cares - it's all a decision to believe that when we are awake and have our eyes open, we will see how different people, places and events come into our lives for a reason. The reason is always there - the hard part is letting go enough of what we thought we needed in order to see what we actually did in fact need. The second part is trusting in ourselves to manage/recognize whatever it is that is brought into our experience and handle the shit out of it.
Own it.
Group Participation:
If you don't mind I will ask you to walk through a wee exercise with me. This is fun.
Look around your room and I want you to notice everything that is brown. Take note of it all.
Close your eyes.
Now with your eyes still closed - well you will have to open them to read this - tell me everything you say that was yellow.
Tough to do, because when you are only looking for one particular thing you won't notice anything else, like the little gifts that come to you, they will float right by you or they might even smack you in the face or trip you but you will be too angry to notice and shove them aside.
The flu felt like the end of the world for 24 hours but in reality there are people suffering a great deal more than I am so I shifted my focus to gratitude.
I am grateful for the flu - in that it was only the flu. I'm alive and fully recovered. In fact, I am learning to be grateful for every single thing that happens in my life, even when I stub my toe. I am grateful because I know there was a reason I was not suppose to travel to Vancouver. I am also grateful for a day to myself in my house, even if I made new friends with the toilet. If we don't slow down - life will do it for us. As I have said before, our bodies know better than our brains what we need and sometimes they just shut down in order to give that to us. I watched movies and cuddled with myself. Maybe next time I will just take a healthy me day and do all these things without the crappy flu symptoms :)
I always try to remember that I won't be handed anything I can't handle, and in those moments when I don't think I can handle it I am FORCED to dig deeper for strength I didn't know I had and that my friends, is good old necessary growth! That's why they call it growing pains.
Learning to let go, be vulnerable and trust that everything will always work out is one of the hardest lessons in life. I am hopping on board that train and I know that it's the only way to get where I am suppose to be going, otherwise I am preventing my own destiny and to be honest it's much more enjoyable going with the flow than sitting and stewing in my own dung. Shits gonna happen - can't argue that - but I have a choice and that choice is letting go of the white knuckle grip I have had for so long. I'm starting to hold on a little more loosely and sometimes I even throw my hands in air! And in the words of some guy named Taio Cruz "I wanna celebrate and live my life, sayin Ayo, Baby let's go!" ;) And now that song is in your head...you're welcome.
With love and gratitude and great vulnerability,
Grace E.
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