Today I was in a really foul mood. It snuck up on me out of no where and spread like wild fire in dry bush. I could feel it growing totally out of control.
My sister and I were doing some running around and we had the kids. First of all let me just say that Fabricland looks like an amusement park to children under 5. I felt better once I noticed a sign out front politely asking people to hold on to their friggen kids or else. Ok it didn't say that but it may as well have - but obviously all parents have the same issue when they go in there because it beckons to kids like the little old witch who eats children in a house made out of candy.
At first, when my mood started to take a nose dive into an empty pool, I just thought I was tired but when I realized wasn't in fact tired and that it was just a *dun dun dun... bad mood (gasp). On my way home my stinky mood seemed to have evolved. The transition was so obvious that it reminded me of those seemingly harmless weird neon pills that you put in water and then a few hours later you have a somewhat large and probably poisonous dinosaur? Yeah.
While I was driving home, I was imagining getting out of the car, walking the kids into the garage where Danny was working and saying "Here." in my meanest voice ever and then marching into the house, slamming the door, and then hiding out in the closet. For some reason I guess I thought my bad mood was Danny's fault, or the kids fault or basically anyones fault but my own. Took me a few blame-themed thoughts, to realize it was no one else's fault, so naturally I started blaming myself. It was after all, my choice to be grumpy right? I assaulted myself with accusations about how I must have eaten something that had caused a crash or maybe it was that I hadn't yoga'd or moved my body in a couple days? I went through a series of possible causes, ranging from my period through to the moon being in Jupiter.
What the frig did it matter anyway?
Why do I feel like a bad mood is not allowed?
Where does it say that everyone has to be ecstatic about life every single waking moment?
Sure I wasn't all sunny and cherry saying hello to every Tom, Linda and Terry (unisex name) but do I really have to be in a good mood all the time? Is that even possible or necessary? Does it mean that I don't enjoy life or that I suck at it because I feel grumpy?
The more I resisted this mood the more it pushed back. The more I blamed myself or the grey skies, or Danny, the more it mutated and raged.
As I passed my favourite spot on my way back home (the one I posted a picture of this morning on my way into town) I looked over and saw that the sun was no longer shining on the water. There was no longer a magical myst. It was grey and gloomy and kind of creepy - but did I love looking over at it any less? No. It had just changed, and shifted a bit, but it was still the same little lovely body of water even when the sun wasn't shining down reflecting off of it.
As soon as I allowed and accepted that I was in a funk and that was ok, I lost the urge to come home and roar at Danny. I stopped searching for reasons to blame myself for self inflicting this mood. Again, what the heck did it matter who/what/when and why I was in this mood? We are always searching for the exact moment when things went wrong, what exactly caused us to be sick or sad or hurt - asking ourselves how could I have prevented this? The truth is that we can't always or really ever pinpoint the exact moment in time, because it can be a combination of things that started the deterioration. The only thing we have is THIS moment right now to make a conscious decision as to how we are going to handle it and move forward. We are conditioned to learn from our mistakes but really we will learn when we are able to allow ourselves to see clearly by not beating ourselves (or other people) up over every little (or big) eff up.
I can't go back in time and undo what I did that may or may not have caused it. I also can't change the fact that I am a woman and I go through this magical cycle that allows me to grow humans in my body but also on the flip side causes me to have a few unmagical moments (not unlike a troll living under a bridge) each month. I not only accept that but embrace the fact that with the gift of being a woman, I am going to have some ups and some dips.
Everyday can't be sunny, even on the inside it's got to rain.
I felt this shift like my inner spirit reached out and hit the button on an internal elevator and it ever so slightly started to move upward towards my heart. My stomach actually did a little dip like when you go up in an elevator. I paused to see where it was taking me, but I let go and went with it.
By releasing and surrendering the fact that I was a gloomy poopy-pants and not resisting and pushing against it - just giving it space without judgement, shame or blame - it started to dissipate all on it's own. I kid you not, I couldn't make this shit up people.
So often we don't feel like we are allowed to be cranky, and usually what happens is we rebel against that not allowing and the crankiness takes over and starts smashing the metaphorical buildings of our lives. Who or what can I really be angry with because I am on a down swing? What good is that really going to do? You can't swing higher without coming down for more momentum.
Checking myself and taking a moment to say "hey it's ok for you to feel like this Grace, you don't need to find a reason, you are permitted" was really self-honouring to the max. By the time I got home I went into the garage and said to Danny very calmly "I just need a minute." He smiled and went back to work and I walked into the house. Wow. I mean WOW, no fight? No angry bear blow up? Who was this woman? I had never met her before, but friggen hell I liked her!
It's amazing how much room we can give ourselves, when we slow down, get out and raise the barricade - instead of speeding up, and closing our eyes smashing it to smithereens.
Love yourself wherever you are at, you are amazing! Truth.
With love, patience, compassion, kindness and most of all gratitude,
Grace
My sister and I were doing some running around and we had the kids. First of all let me just say that Fabricland looks like an amusement park to children under 5. I felt better once I noticed a sign out front politely asking people to hold on to their friggen kids or else. Ok it didn't say that but it may as well have - but obviously all parents have the same issue when they go in there because it beckons to kids like the little old witch who eats children in a house made out of candy.
At first, when my mood started to take a nose dive into an empty pool, I just thought I was tired but when I realized wasn't in fact tired and that it was just a *dun dun dun... bad mood (gasp). On my way home my stinky mood seemed to have evolved. The transition was so obvious that it reminded me of those seemingly harmless weird neon pills that you put in water and then a few hours later you have a somewhat large and probably poisonous dinosaur? Yeah.
While I was driving home, I was imagining getting out of the car, walking the kids into the garage where Danny was working and saying "Here." in my meanest voice ever and then marching into the house, slamming the door, and then hiding out in the closet. For some reason I guess I thought my bad mood was Danny's fault, or the kids fault or basically anyones fault but my own. Took me a few blame-themed thoughts, to realize it was no one else's fault, so naturally I started blaming myself. It was after all, my choice to be grumpy right? I assaulted myself with accusations about how I must have eaten something that had caused a crash or maybe it was that I hadn't yoga'd or moved my body in a couple days? I went through a series of possible causes, ranging from my period through to the moon being in Jupiter.
What the frig did it matter anyway?
Why do I feel like a bad mood is not allowed?
Where does it say that everyone has to be ecstatic about life every single waking moment?
Sure I wasn't all sunny and cherry saying hello to every Tom, Linda and Terry (unisex name) but do I really have to be in a good mood all the time? Is that even possible or necessary? Does it mean that I don't enjoy life or that I suck at it because I feel grumpy?
The more I resisted this mood the more it pushed back. The more I blamed myself or the grey skies, or Danny, the more it mutated and raged.
As I passed my favourite spot on my way back home (the one I posted a picture of this morning on my way into town) I looked over and saw that the sun was no longer shining on the water. There was no longer a magical myst. It was grey and gloomy and kind of creepy - but did I love looking over at it any less? No. It had just changed, and shifted a bit, but it was still the same little lovely body of water even when the sun wasn't shining down reflecting off of it.
As soon as I allowed and accepted that I was in a funk and that was ok, I lost the urge to come home and roar at Danny. I stopped searching for reasons to blame myself for self inflicting this mood. Again, what the heck did it matter who/what/when and why I was in this mood? We are always searching for the exact moment when things went wrong, what exactly caused us to be sick or sad or hurt - asking ourselves how could I have prevented this? The truth is that we can't always or really ever pinpoint the exact moment in time, because it can be a combination of things that started the deterioration. The only thing we have is THIS moment right now to make a conscious decision as to how we are going to handle it and move forward. We are conditioned to learn from our mistakes but really we will learn when we are able to allow ourselves to see clearly by not beating ourselves (or other people) up over every little (or big) eff up.
I can't go back in time and undo what I did that may or may not have caused it. I also can't change the fact that I am a woman and I go through this magical cycle that allows me to grow humans in my body but also on the flip side causes me to have a few unmagical moments (not unlike a troll living under a bridge) each month. I not only accept that but embrace the fact that with the gift of being a woman, I am going to have some ups and some dips.
Everyday can't be sunny, even on the inside it's got to rain.
I felt this shift like my inner spirit reached out and hit the button on an internal elevator and it ever so slightly started to move upward towards my heart. My stomach actually did a little dip like when you go up in an elevator. I paused to see where it was taking me, but I let go and went with it.
By releasing and surrendering the fact that I was a gloomy poopy-pants and not resisting and pushing against it - just giving it space without judgement, shame or blame - it started to dissipate all on it's own. I kid you not, I couldn't make this shit up people.
So often we don't feel like we are allowed to be cranky, and usually what happens is we rebel against that not allowing and the crankiness takes over and starts smashing the metaphorical buildings of our lives. Who or what can I really be angry with because I am on a down swing? What good is that really going to do? You can't swing higher without coming down for more momentum.
Checking myself and taking a moment to say "hey it's ok for you to feel like this Grace, you don't need to find a reason, you are permitted" was really self-honouring to the max. By the time I got home I went into the garage and said to Danny very calmly "I just need a minute." He smiled and went back to work and I walked into the house. Wow. I mean WOW, no fight? No angry bear blow up? Who was this woman? I had never met her before, but friggen hell I liked her!
It's amazing how much room we can give ourselves, when we slow down, get out and raise the barricade - instead of speeding up, and closing our eyes smashing it to smithereens.
Love yourself wherever you are at, you are amazing! Truth.
With love, patience, compassion, kindness and most of all gratitude,
Grace
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