I have come to realize that I have unreasonable expectations of progress.
If you are anything at all like me in this regard, you might also have a long list of things you just aren't good at.
I have this story that replays in my head, and I even say it out loud to other people. It goes something like "I'm just not good at ______ . I never have been and I doubt I ever will be." It gives me permission to suck.
I use to think that accepting that I sucked at something was the best path to self-acceptance. The sooner I recognized that some people are good at some things and some people just aren't, the better.
I have told myself for a long time that I am not good at many things. Here is a list of a few things but this list is not limited to:
keeping a clean house
Cooking/Baking
Yoga
Staying committed to things
Following a goal all the way through.
Losing weight (and keeping it off)
Staying calm
Let me just be clear that self-acceptance is not congruent with "I suck", in any way shape or form. Accepting that I need improvement and that I am worth the effort so that I can enjoy something more - is getting warmer :)
The other day when I was driving in the car with Danny I looked over at him and said "You are the longest thing I have ever done." Then I winked at him ;)
But seriously, he is the longest commitment I have had in my life thus far. This was an especially rewarding realization because it's a commitment that hasn't been easy.
So I crossed one of those things "I suck at" off the list. I can stay committed to things, I just never took the time to notice that sometimes "things" are people, and that counts.
So I realized that maybe the rest of those things on my list might not be true either...
It's been quite a journey for me, as some of you know through reading my blog, to come to this new sense of awareness where I am the observer instead of the reactor. Where I can stop and listen to the thoughts/beliefs and take a moment to allow them in in full force, then feel them and decide what to do with them.
Does this thought or belief serve me? Is it working for me? You mean I get to choose? Ya don't say...
The art of allowing has been a big part of this process. I've been so focused on stopping the thoughts from coming that I couldn't really deal with them because there was so much resistance standing in the way of clarity.
My coach, Gillian Rowinski (a gem of a human being) asks me allll the time when I get going into my "stories" - something I believe has happened to me (poor me) "How is that working for you?"
It always stops me dead in my tracks. The answer is of course rhetorical and beyond any shadow of a doubt - It's not working for me. Whatever the excuse/complaint/illusion/BS may be, it certainly does not serve me and I know it in the depths of my heart. What this questioning process does is it stops the story from gaining another chapter.
A lot of crap has been coming up for me and I have been pausing to allow it a moment to breath in it's foulness so that I can feel the intrusion in all it's gross ass glory. Yoga has certainly been a vehicle for this.
My yoga journey started - for real, on September 31st. It's been a little over a month of a commitment that started out at 2 days a week growing to more like 5-6. I am amazed at how I could go from someone who could barely get downward facing dog down (or moving through chaturanga) to someone who touched the floor with my hand in dancer's pose, and in the same class got up into wheel! (I'm so excited!) I honestly thought it would NEVER happen.
My dear friend Angela made an interesting comment the other day that as the body shows us that it can move beyond our limitations, we realize that our mind can too. She then said "Holla!" which made the comments level of awesomeness increase 10 fold.
Little side story:
Today I needed to clean the kitchen after we ate and I heard the story of how I suck at cleaning sneaking in. It's a slippery sucker. Comes at me in disguise, like a wolf in sheep's clothing. Our self-sabotage doesn't ever show up in plain day light. It's slinks around trying to not be noticed for what it is. It's an excuse, a lie or even negative feelings towards others to distract us from our truth. The saboteur doesn't stand up and say "Um excuse me, Grace? Yes well, I am going to tell you a lie and you are going to believe it and then not progress on this thing that is keeping you down." It's more like "You shouldn't be cleaning this mess, you cooked dinner! It's soooooo hard to clean. It never ends! It's not fun. Life should be fun. If you give in a clean you are just playing into the stereotypical female role that you never wanted."
WHAT?!?!?! What in God's name is that? A buncha bull, that's what.
Cleaning my house is a sign of self-respect. It makes life easier and more enjoyable when I can create nice space. It certainly isn't depriving me of fun, or me signing a contract to stay barefoot and pregnant forever!
The thought that progress has to be these GIANT steps is also self-sabotage. It sets the expectation so high so rapidly that when I fail and give up I can say "See!? It was too hard and you do suck."
When I recognize that small improvements still qualify as progress and I take a moment to do a little victory dance - I encourage myself to keep on keepin' on. Booya.
I don't know what my vision of "good at something" looks like just yet but here's my wheel, it's not perfect, no it's not - it's progress!
If you are anything at all like me in this regard, you might also have a long list of things you just aren't good at.
I have this story that replays in my head, and I even say it out loud to other people. It goes something like "I'm just not good at ______ . I never have been and I doubt I ever will be." It gives me permission to suck.
I use to think that accepting that I sucked at something was the best path to self-acceptance. The sooner I recognized that some people are good at some things and some people just aren't, the better.
I have told myself for a long time that I am not good at many things. Here is a list of a few things but this list is not limited to:
keeping a clean house
Cooking/Baking
Yoga
Staying committed to things
Following a goal all the way through.
Losing weight (and keeping it off)
Staying calm
Let me just be clear that self-acceptance is not congruent with "I suck", in any way shape or form. Accepting that I need improvement and that I am worth the effort so that I can enjoy something more - is getting warmer :)
The other day when I was driving in the car with Danny I looked over at him and said "You are the longest thing I have ever done." Then I winked at him ;)
But seriously, he is the longest commitment I have had in my life thus far. This was an especially rewarding realization because it's a commitment that hasn't been easy.
So I crossed one of those things "I suck at" off the list. I can stay committed to things, I just never took the time to notice that sometimes "things" are people, and that counts.
So I realized that maybe the rest of those things on my list might not be true either...
It's been quite a journey for me, as some of you know through reading my blog, to come to this new sense of awareness where I am the observer instead of the reactor. Where I can stop and listen to the thoughts/beliefs and take a moment to allow them in in full force, then feel them and decide what to do with them.
Does this thought or belief serve me? Is it working for me? You mean I get to choose? Ya don't say...
The art of allowing has been a big part of this process. I've been so focused on stopping the thoughts from coming that I couldn't really deal with them because there was so much resistance standing in the way of clarity.
My coach, Gillian Rowinski (a gem of a human being) asks me allll the time when I get going into my "stories" - something I believe has happened to me (poor me) "How is that working for you?"
It always stops me dead in my tracks. The answer is of course rhetorical and beyond any shadow of a doubt - It's not working for me. Whatever the excuse/complaint/illusion/BS may be, it certainly does not serve me and I know it in the depths of my heart. What this questioning process does is it stops the story from gaining another chapter.
A lot of crap has been coming up for me and I have been pausing to allow it a moment to breath in it's foulness so that I can feel the intrusion in all it's gross ass glory. Yoga has certainly been a vehicle for this.
My yoga journey started - for real, on September 31st. It's been a little over a month of a commitment that started out at 2 days a week growing to more like 5-6. I am amazed at how I could go from someone who could barely get downward facing dog down (or moving through chaturanga) to someone who touched the floor with my hand in dancer's pose, and in the same class got up into wheel! (I'm so excited!) I honestly thought it would NEVER happen.
My dear friend Angela made an interesting comment the other day that as the body shows us that it can move beyond our limitations, we realize that our mind can too. She then said "Holla!" which made the comments level of awesomeness increase 10 fold.
Little side story:
Today I needed to clean the kitchen after we ate and I heard the story of how I suck at cleaning sneaking in. It's a slippery sucker. Comes at me in disguise, like a wolf in sheep's clothing. Our self-sabotage doesn't ever show up in plain day light. It's slinks around trying to not be noticed for what it is. It's an excuse, a lie or even negative feelings towards others to distract us from our truth. The saboteur doesn't stand up and say "Um excuse me, Grace? Yes well, I am going to tell you a lie and you are going to believe it and then not progress on this thing that is keeping you down." It's more like "You shouldn't be cleaning this mess, you cooked dinner! It's soooooo hard to clean. It never ends! It's not fun. Life should be fun. If you give in a clean you are just playing into the stereotypical female role that you never wanted."
WHAT?!?!?! What in God's name is that? A buncha bull, that's what.
Cleaning my house is a sign of self-respect. It makes life easier and more enjoyable when I can create nice space. It certainly isn't depriving me of fun, or me signing a contract to stay barefoot and pregnant forever!
The thought that progress has to be these GIANT steps is also self-sabotage. It sets the expectation so high so rapidly that when I fail and give up I can say "See!? It was too hard and you do suck."
When I recognize that small improvements still qualify as progress and I take a moment to do a little victory dance - I encourage myself to keep on keepin' on. Booya.
I don't know what my vision of "good at something" looks like just yet but here's my wheel, it's not perfect, no it's not - it's progress!
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