Skip to main content

Shedding the old and stepping into the new

Back at it!! I hope you are ready for this...
So just to jump right in, I have been doing bodyrock now for a month, with one day off a week. Please, for you own sake, visit www.bodyrock.tv and thank me later. It's wonderful and it has given me my confidence back - specifically my workout confidence.
I did an interesting thing today.
Now, before I get into this interesting thing I did, and purposely leaving you in suspense because every good blog needs an element of suspense, I have to say that I have been wondering about the accuracy of my thoughts towards my weight. You know, on that show where they get the guest to place herself in amongst the other ladies in their underwear and she always goes and puts herself in a higher weight than she really is? Well I think for me it would be the opposite. When I meet with clients for their life insurance, I have to ask their height and weight and sometimes I try to guess in my head in respect to my own weight and height. I am always sadly surprised to realize our weights are not even close...meaning mine is a much bigger gap than I think compared to others.
So, today I decided to video tape myself on my phone doing my workout and then watch it. Surprisingly and as disappointed as I was, I felt empowered to know that I look much heavier than I thought I was. Seeing this immediately stunned me with "now I can stop telling myself it's not that bad, and it's ok to eat all those chips" etc. Do you know what I am getting at?
I was downplaying the abuse to my own body in order to allow it to continue and completely get out of hand. It is out of hand (or I should say was). I didn't recognize the girl running on the spot, doing high knees or jump tucks. Exercise has always looked and come easily to me. She, this girl who was most definitely was me, had very little athletic ability, and quite frankly appeared to be working out for the first time. Those of you who have known me the greater part of my life will know that I have been a long distance runner and a gym junkie and have always prided myself on my strong legs and athletic build. Was I ever skinny minnie? No, but I had a build that represented my personality. Strong.
Then the realization hit.
Maybe it's not just my body that has lost strength but my mind and spirit as well. Perhaps my body has started to gradually show me in plain view that it's reflecting my (difficult) transition from "faux" strength (one that seemed naively unwavering, an innate attitude that I thought would just last without putting any work or conscious thought towards) into questioning my authentic self and strength, to build a true strength and confidence that was impermeable to others conditional impression, feedback, or opinion about who THEY thought I was (which is always subject to how they truly feel about themselves). I have had to breakdown my once seemingly confidence self to build her back up again. Like a bone healing stronger after it's been broken, I am stronger. I have been to hell and back. I have been to 170 lbs and now I have commenced my journey to new heights, not weight.
Instead of working so hard at going back, I am looking forward. This is not me unsuccessfully trying to get back to an old me, a pre-mothered, pre-seasoned or weathered me - but someone I have yet to even meet. I have new beliefs about myself, new goals and I will have a new body. I shed my old skin, my old desire to be thin and now I am ready to just be me and wear her proudly for all to see. I don't need to hide behind an old version of myself anymore, or wear her overtop of who I have become. I can take her off now.
I love me, and I can proudly say I can now look in the mirror and say that because I am not looking in the mirror at a shell of what was, but that spark or shimmer of what I am constantly becoming.
Thanks for being with me on this journey that I would never of imagined would have such great depth. I do it for you too.
Love.

Comments

  1. Good for you Grace. Keep up the hard work, and positive thinking.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks for starting up again Grace. With the Blogs, that is.
    I totally hear ya about the video thing. I got pretty heavy into yoga last fall. Instead of my once or twice a month routine I'd been following for 3 or 4 years; i started going 3-4 times a week. I felt amazing. Strong. Balanced. Limber. Lean..... but every time I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirrors at Oranj I would feel like giving up. Which obviously is the wrong answer; but I can certainly feel the frustration of just wanting to take off the fat suit because you feel like it's just not who you are. I too need a shift in thinking!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Grace, you truly are an amazing woman and such a talented writer...self-help books by Grace would bring in a fortune! Your strength shines in your blogs: raw, unapologetic and inspiring. Thanks for showing us how to be open minded about ourselves...something I think that all women, no matter what size or shape, struggle with. Kudos, Grace, and keep up the good work! :)

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

You better not pout...cause you'll get cat poop.

Every year around this time, my anxiety builds and bursts and it's not the kind of climax anybody is hoping for. I always tell myself that I am not going to allow it to happen. Well this year after a lengthy chat with my exceptional friend and coach - I gave in and allowed away . What you find when you allow is completely unexpected. I assumed that when I let anxiety, anger and disappointment (insert any negative emotion) dance around in my head like sugar plums that I was welcoming it and fostering it. I have come to realize that this is a myth and holds no value whatsoever. I recognized that my anxiety about Christmas has a lot to do with me holding on. Holding on to ideals and to the past/childhood with a white knuckle grip. I don't know how to let go, and move on. I am not 5 anymore and shits happens. People grow up and apart, parents split up, Santa turns to dust and at this time of year no matter how much you saved - money is fleeting. There is this constant naggi...

Why aren't you happy for me?

(First off, let me just say that I am totally guilty of this. I've done it, I am sure I still do it and I'm building an awareness around it.) Being happy for other people's successes - big and small. Better yet - Being happy for my own successes  Yep, that's what's up. I've come to realize as I make small but significant changes in my life and as I get happier, and feel good about myself I want to share this with others. So, I was seriously confused when I would get what felt like a ghost slap in the face. Ghost slap: throws you back but you have no idea where it came from or who did it or WHY. Sometimes, for whatever reason (that people might not even realize), they don't feel happy for you. They don't like this "new" you. They are used to and attached to the old you, the one who complained a lot and blamed most things on external factors. They knew how they fit in with this old you. Now you've gone and done it - you've change...

What do She-Ra and my Period have in common?

Part I: I am sitting here crying for no reason. Well...let me define "no reason". There is no apparent reason but I am sure there are infinite possibilities of reasons. I was wiping away the tears with vast exasperation when I heard a voice in my head say "Come on, pull yourself together!" and suddenly I found myself saying aloud in an effort to take a stand "NO!". (As I get older I talk to myself). Why should I have to? In my almost 30 years of experience, crying always had something to tell me, if I can shut up long enough to listen. When I think about it, I'm probably PMS'ing. At first I was mad about it I thought "Oh shit here we go..." but no, now I realize I want to try something new. I want to try and honour this, maybe it's important to see the feelings for what they are and not hide behind them. I am sure that PMS can show us strong but important emotions if we can find a safe place to cradle and then release them. ...