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Yoink! Flushed to crushed.

Life doesn't have a pause button.
So I'm just going to hit my own imaginary internal one for a moment.

PAUSE.
Let's go back a few hours.
Earlier today some unfortunate financial events took place that caused me to have to cancel my 30th birthday present - my trip to Costa Rica for a yoga retreat.

I wanted to go more than a n y t h i n g.

It took everything in me to write to my lovely yoga mentor Laura Martini, and tell her I was no longer able to keep my commitment to going.
It physically hurt me. I was shaking and crying when I sat down to write it.

Side note: I realize that this is such a vulnerable post because no one ever broadcasts their financial woes. I am just going to bust the myth that even as a Financial advisor, I have them. There are many things that can happen that we don't foresee. I honestly thought I was well prepared, and as a matter of fact I was prepared for an unforeseen event...but not two.

Feelings of devastation started to surface but if I come back down to earth for a moment I need to point out that this word/feeling is completely inappropriate in this case.
A tsunami is devastating, losing your house, or loved one. This is a 'white girl problem' and I am going to be the first to admit it. But that being said, it was for my 30th birthday and I am going to allow myself to cry if I want to.

After I cried like a kid who lost their ice cream off the cone on a hot summer day, I closed the door and I just laid still. I felt all the disappointment and sadness rush through me as it flooded my veins. It felt hot like anger, and stingy like sorrow. It sucked but I knew it needed time to run it's course.

When I feel these feelings of disappointment, sadness, anger, guilt, regret - all the "ugly" ones, I am so quick to move through them, wanting nothing to do with it. For me, there can be traces of shame - "I shouldn't feel this way, I don't have the right." So what then, shove them down deep right?
I don't know about you, but if I can be still, I seem to be able to notice that I have a physiological reaction to follow my emotional one. If I were to shove that down I think it would just mutate and start to seep out at the seams at so many unsuspecting innocent situations and bystanders.
It's actually scary at first to give in to undesirable emotions. I wasn't sure if I was going to pass out or puke (which is me being dramatic and I'm happy to say that I didn't do either.)

So what happens when we foster a space for the ugly emotions to just be? What is there that we can notice?
Well fear popped up that's for damn sure. "Popped up" haha! More like jump out from under the bed and swallowed me whole.
Interestingly enough I watched a 'Ted Talk' on the importance of Fear yesterday and it helped me walk through the "story" I was creating. The story of "Worst Case Scenario"...
(Here's the link to that http://intentblog.com/what-fear-can-teach-us/ )
So I asked myself: What is going to happen?
Many sad tales started to invade my consciousness and I moved over and gave room for them. I noticed them and that most of them held no real credibility. I watched them flit by like music notes in a cartoon.
When I realized that right now in this moment, nothing terrible was actually happening I found some relief. I started with easy and obvious things like: I am alive, and well. I am safe and comfortable.
Although we had been slapped with some bad news there wasn't anything happening in this very moment that was causing any discomfort or pain. I let go of the grip I had on the fear of the unknown and focused on my current experience - slowly the hot sensation in my veins dissipated. I was simulating all these terrible stories as if they had really happened and I wasn't being present. It was like living in a virtual shitty reality that I had created for myself.  Who the hell wants to do that if they have a choice not to?

That being said, I did of course have some decisions to make. I had to come face to face with the reality  of being a responsible adult and that as much as I hated it, someone was going to be let down no matter what I decided - and one of those people was going to be me.
I had to make a mental check list of the choices that were available to me, starting with what my commitments are to my family first. When I looked at the choices laid out in my mind I realized what had to be done in order to create the least amount of stress.
The fluff had to go - bye bye exciting trip.

Making a conscious decision is so much easier than a forced one. I volunteered my choice instead of unwillingly having someone else do it for me or making the choice and being a "victim" of it. I didn't go wine to Danny or start the poor me sob story that was dancing a little evil jig just below the surface.
It feels super friggen bad to let someone down and really for me that's the worst part. It causes a great amount of discomfort for me to cancel something, even a tea date let alone a trip that I had been planning for months. But I had to honour myself and my family.
On the flip side it really feels invigorating to make a grown up decision on my own with little resistance. Making a conscious decision to decide what to do - to decide to decide. To say to myself - "life is full of choices and you have a choice right now". I have not lost control, I am not a victim. I always have the ability to decide how I am going to feel about the decision I make based on the options laid out in front of me. Wishing for different options is just beating my head against a brick wall and giving my power away to the situation that I cannot do anything about. I cannot change what happened to bring me to this place of choices.

In summary, it feels better honour my situation and choose not to go to Costa Rica, than to go and feel guilty and worried.
I am choosing the better feeling and that's to surrender and release. Let go and let God. I know that there will be more chances and opportunities to go on yoga retreats. I will make it so. It's at the top of my must do's list in BOLD.
I am pausing to allow the lag time to pass before this all makes sense. I will not get caught up in the temporary fog of disappointment. If I let time do it's thing, it will all make sense and I will just keep following the path to where this particular situation will lead me.
There is still some (quite a bit of) sadness and guilt lingering that I need to work through. Sadness to not be able to go and guilt because I sincerely hope I didn't screw things up in terms of the spot I am leaving in the retreat. So I will walk myself through that and try my best to be patient with myself. That's all I can do, and it's enough.

I hope that the focus of my post today was conveyed properly and that it was not that I didn't get to go to Costa Rica, but that sometimes the rug gets pulled out from under our comfy little tushies and there are cob webs to walk through in order to find stillness and peace. The let down can be a big crash and burn so I just wanted to share my experience as openly as possible.
When that rug gets pulled out more than just my bum is sore, my ego is a little hurt too.

A dear friend of mine said to me "Grace, ride the wave until it crashes and is gone."

* Just as I was about to post this, I accidentilly clicked on my fb tab and this page opened up displaying this:
"When we triumph over our emotional barriers, we will be faced with nothing but endless opportunities and ease."

Coincidence? I think not.
***If there is anyone out there who is able to take my place at the Costa Rica retreat in February - please visit
http://martiniyoga.ca/ or check out all the awesome stuff Laura Martini has to offer! Private retreats, BALI retreat, local retreats and amazing classes at Organj Dance and Fitness! She's Om-amazing!

With love and gratitude,
Grace E.

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