Amazing things happen when you make pants.
Who would have thought? I mean most first time creative project are challenging and normally I get super frustrated and
My mother-in-love (Danny's Mom) is a woman of many trades. That lady can make A N Y T H I N G. I suppose I never really took note of it before. Well I mean I "knew" but I didn't really "know". I knew that she could make "stuff" because she is always giving us awesome homemade things. What I didn't know was actually how amazing she really is at thinking around all the hectic shit that happens when you are trying to accomplish something. I guess I never got there before - because when the shit went down I would just throw a tantrum, pitch it and pretend I never even had a creative idea in the first place. Due to the fact that I never pushed through I never really got to the other side of the bewilderment that occurs when you actually hold something in your hands that you envisioned in your head. I couldn't have a true appreciation for her creations because I didn't really know what it took for her to learn it, persevere it and then complete it.
Ingrid and I have had our ups and downs over the years. Gosh, even saying that stirs embarrassment within me now. I feel ashamed because I know that I never really attempted to see her for who she is and I was so busy trying to prove my worth to her - as her sons partner and as her grandchildren's mother, that I just kind of rode my self-richeous mini-pony all around the town of Myshitdontstinkville. In summary, I was SURE I wasn't being an idiot. Damn it.
It's really amazing what you will see, let go of and grow from when you sit down with someone to make a pair of pants. She transformed right in front of me and honestly I had to do everything in my power to hold my shit together from not flinging myself at her and bawling "I'm sorry" into her lap. Ah crap...now I'm crying.
So here's the thing - she didn't transform at all but instead my heart took over my damn ego and demanded that what I was projecting onto her be zapped and melt away. That zap and melt technique is really just a fancy wizard's way of saying "love". I let go and when I let go I gained more than I could have ever imagined. Suddenly the heavens opened up, the lotus flower bloomed, and a light shone down and all the knowledge and wisdom I had been holding apart form myself came flooding in. No really, this actually happened.
What I was able to see was that Ingrid and I are so much alike in so many ways. For starters we are both Aquarius'. We also really love giving to people - in order to show our worth/love. Some times even to the point where we bleed ourselves dry giving it all away and have to hibernate to recharge because we don't even have fumes to run on - you can't even crack the cap and let some air in there to jump start that shit.
How did I not see it before?
Why/how did these green spandex tights hold the key to my hearts undoing?
I know that not all monumental life changers can be pinpointed to ONE particular moment in time but there certainly was an "AHA" moment involved. As she watched me take our long hard hours (making our own pattern, doing a trial run, screwing up the cutting by not mirroring the legs) to the serger she saw me holding my breath in fear as I put my foot to the pedal, from behind me very gently and ever so quietly she calmly said "If you aren't afraid to fuck up, you can make anything."
Pause.
Take a moment to just let the simple profoundness of that statement sink in.
I repeated it out loud a few times to myself and I heard her giggling behind me (her laugh is heart felt giggle in it's truest form, I imagine that this was her childhood giggle that decided to stay).
She then said "well I think that really stops people from doing the things they want to do. They get so afraid that it won't be perfect that they never get it done. They talk themselves out of it." and then ended it with -
"We don't do perfection 'round here." (In my mind it's in a southern accent for some reason but she doesn't have one so scratch that).
I know she has said things to me like this before but I have been so 'all up in my own business' that I am sure I took her words of wisdom and turned them into whatever suited me at the time - and I will admit that in my own self-loathing sometimes her beautiful words have been tainted with my ugly ego bullshit. I am happy to say that I "heard" her this time and I didn't muck 'em up with my own agenda. I truly felt what she was laying down and it was a gift. I just let her teach me. After all, she has so much to give and I have so much to learn.
I think my generation has this HUGE desire to do things better than our parents did and (forgive me if I'm wrong) in our efforts to hide our insecurities we end up kinda sorta coming across like we got this on lock and know everything...? A little bit? Nowadays we do so much 'research', and we know so much about these new styles of parenting, sleep training, non-toxic toys and sustainable living. We are so hell bent on doing it "our" way, this new better way, that we shove our parents (and especially our hubby's parents) aside and don't stop and listen to the wisdom gained through the experiences from the Goddess' who came before us. You know - those women over 50 with twice the life experience as us? Sure, they didn't know that everyone and their dog would end up allergic to wheat (my dog is actually allergic to wheat gluten), and that lead paint was bad to suck on, but they do know a lot about a little thing call "life", how to sew their own clothes, make all their own food from scratch annnnnd they survived the 80's. They lived through what I call The Great Female Transition. The era when women went from being super-busy-overachieving-homemaking-mommas to super-busy-overachieving-homemakers/full-time-working-career-focused-mommas. Don't hate, microwaves were necessary.
Let's just be honest, no one is in your head reading this with you so you can crack a smile or blush a bit at how silly we have been and I promise I won't tell your mother-in-law/love - Brownies honour. Besides, no one is questioning our new mother skills. No one is doing a report on how quickly we were able to settle our babies, and when our mothers/mother-in-laws ask if they can do it - it's because they love us, and they love rocking babies. They want to show us that they too had/have the special skills that only a woman has to lull a baby out of a frenzied state.
Fair enough.
There were many bumps along the path to kickass pants - I mean come on, we didn't have a pattern for crying out loud. I just showed up with some slippery spandex fabric, plunked down and said (with a hint of over zealousness) "I wanna make leggings!!" and she said "do you have a pattern?" and I said "nope." and she said raised her eyebrows for a second and then said "ok".
So we took some of my leggings made by children in China and we traced them out and made our own. This is harder than the average inexperienced sewing smartass would think. At many different points one or the other of us thought we were screwed and we had to talk the other out of jumping off the ledge. She said "it's nice to do this with someone because you move past the frustration and find the solution without pitching it in a corner".
She was absolutely right. Working on creative projects can be devastating because of those old expectations. We need other people to slap sense out of us so we can let the creativity juice flow when it doesn't seem to be going perfectly. Creativity is not perfect.
We laughed, we scratched our heads and we encouraged one another. We thought we were making pants but really we were making love....wait....no - we were growing love? We definitely were not making love, this is not that kind of blog. Eh hem, where were we...
I am in awe of her. And by that I mean she is an awe-inspiring woman who can do (and by "do" I mean knock the damn thing outta the park) anything and everything.
I ain't go nothin' to prove to this lady, nor her to me. She loves me and I love her, and love is all you need. I am just so excited to learn all that I can from her. I know she loves me because she never tried to strangle me once - and believe me I was useless on more than one hairy occasion.
For me, this moment speaks volumes. It was a wee moment in time that sent a reel of my life over the past year spinning. Where I have been, where I am today and the possibilities of where I can go. I was able to move through a big fat lie I had created my own damn self.
This trip has been beautiful for our whole family. My children have been exceptionally happy and basking in all the love and attention. We have been spending loads of quality time together smiling and laughing, creating wonderful things from pants to bunk beds while helping and supporting one another. This is in no way shape or form a braggfest. I have a great deal of Holiday Expectation Anxiety and I need to just take a moment to celebrate how much things changed. When I reflect upon this last year - from last Christmas to this one and although it was spent with the same combination of people, it was nothing like what I have just described above. 2011 Christmas involved much more fighting, anxiety, depression and hopelessness. I personally was in a terrible internal hell of a place. Danny and I were talking separation and the tension in our house when our families came to visit was thicker and more pungent than aged cheese. The differences in who I was (who we all were, really) from last year to this year blows my mind. The growth and the progress that can happen in your heart (I'm not talking external circumstances) over the course of ONE year truly inspires me. I am so damn happy to be here, living this life, in this body - with all these lovely people around me I could burst into shiny bits of gold.
I hold the key to my own experience. The more I say it, the more I know it's true and I am busting through all the things I thought were beyond my control.
Happy New Year everyone - keep on keepin' on!
It's absolutely amazing what you find when you sit down with someone to make a pair of pants...
With love and gratitude,
Grace E.
Comments
Post a Comment