Prologue: I'm about to turn 30. My 29th year has by far been the hardest most intense year of my life. I was told by a lady very close to my family who does very accurate and insightful astrology readings that this past year was going to be an exam of my life. Exam is an understatement.
I have been waiting for this day since I turned 10. When I was 10 I thought I had the world figured out, I soon realized I would have to be 30 before anyone believed me. I mean, you have to have the experience to go with that knowledge - you can't just know stuff, you have to have lived through some struggle and turmoil right? I'm talkin' bout the knowledge we are born with, that knowledge where we know we are pure positive beings who have come here to experience all the joys in life. We have the inner confidence that we are whole just how we are, we know how to live out loud and just BE... but somehow it gets stripped from us because we are "just kids" - we get turned down as someone unconsciously (trying to guide us) strips of us of that innocent joy because someone stripped them of theirs. And so it goes. We take it on, we make it ours, we wear and we forget we can take it off. We trudge through the mud to search and re-find our innate wisdom that we came forth with, once again. Don't get me wrong here, this isn't about blame it's about ownness.
I have been waiting for this day since I turned 10. When I was 10 I thought I had the world figured out, I soon realized I would have to be 30 before anyone believed me. I mean, you have to have the experience to go with that knowledge - you can't just know stuff, you have to have lived through some struggle and turmoil right? I'm talkin' bout the knowledge we are born with, that knowledge where we know we are pure positive beings who have come here to experience all the joys in life. We have the inner confidence that we are whole just how we are, we know how to live out loud and just BE... but somehow it gets stripped from us because we are "just kids" - we get turned down as someone unconsciously (trying to guide us) strips of us of that innocent joy because someone stripped them of theirs. And so it goes. We take it on, we make it ours, we wear and we forget we can take it off. We trudge through the mud to search and re-find our innate wisdom that we came forth with, once again. Don't get me wrong here, this isn't about blame it's about ownness.
The heaviness comes whirling toward me at light speed.
My reflexes fail me, my sword and shield are no where to be found. I get smashed in the chest and it throws me back a few feet. I knew the "dark" time was coming and every time I think I'm ready, I think "I can take this".
My reflexes fail me, my sword and shield are no where to be found. I get smashed in the chest and it throws me back a few feet. I knew the "dark" time was coming and every time I think I'm ready, I think "I can take this".
I'm talking about - the self doubt and fear that comes with finding our true selves.
Growth. Change. Transformation.
Sound easy right? Change our thoughts, change our lives - realize our potential and then follow it through.
Growth. Change. Transformation.
Sound easy right? Change our thoughts, change our lives - realize our potential and then follow it through.
The order is tall and steep. It's like stepping on a treadmill and turning away for a second while someone turns it up to top speed. I get slammed into the wall, hard.
When I go inward, the black hole is so dark and so deep. I writhe in pain feeling like I can't break free of myself. All I can do is shut down and retreat - curl up in a ball and sleep. I lay in bed and wonder (sometimes out loud) "how did I wind up in this place again?". What at first seems like a sink hole of sorrow and despair, always has something big to reveal to me...if I can stay in the boat, cover up and ride it out. However, no matter how well I know this cycle - it terrifies me. I run but it sucks me in, and swallows me whole. No matter how deep I dig my nails in and grip the sides, I slide down deeper and deeper. I feel it pulling me down and in like a a great force. I imagine it to be a Dementor out of Harry Potter.
The dementors are "soulless creatures ... among the foulest beings on Earth". They are soul-sucking fiends who, as their name suggests, cause people who encounter them for too long to lose their minds. They are the guards of the wizard prison, Azkaban, until after the return of Lord Voldemort.) - Wikipedia
This "Dementor" isn't just a guard of a prison that keeps me in, it beckons to me to enter. I used to think I constructed this prison, that I did or didn't do something in order to get back into this paralyzing state of depression. I get mad, I blame myself 4 thousand ways and beat myself up. I push so hard against it and by nature it follows Newton's 3rd law - I push and it pushes back with equal and opposite force.
How did I end up back here, in this delusional state?
It's not until later, when I make it back out of the rabbit hole to the other side, that I realize this is the process. This is what new growth feels like. It hurts like hell and it's so damn uncomfortable. Did I think that I was going to go in and pull out all my crap and slap it around and then it would just get up and exit stage left quietly? Hell no. I knew that breaking free of the box I built for myself was going to take blood sweat and tears. It's s strong ass box, why the hell did I choose cement?
I had no idea until now that these peaks and valleys were a natural state of connecting to my soul and growing with "her". I thought that as I grew and became this more open enlightened version of myself that I would just progress and keep climbing. I imagined it would be blissful and lovely. That I would get to the top of the mountain and sit cross legged with my eyes closed as the wind blew threw my hair and all my problems would gently slide down and off my shoulders.
As I feel more intensely, as I am more awake and conscious I love deeper, I ignite with sparks of electricity, I experience more fully and every experience is juicier and more delicious. With these heightened senses I forgot that every things, good and bad would affect me more greatly. I didn't expect I would have to stop and rest, recharge, rebuild. I didn't get the memo that this was going to be excruciating.
I had no idea until now that these peaks and valleys were a natural state of connecting to my soul and growing with "her". I thought that as I grew and became this more open enlightened version of myself that I would just progress and keep climbing. I imagined it would be blissful and lovely. That I would get to the top of the mountain and sit cross legged with my eyes closed as the wind blew threw my hair and all my problems would gently slide down and off my shoulders.
As I feel more intensely, as I am more awake and conscious I love deeper, I ignite with sparks of electricity, I experience more fully and every experience is juicier and more delicious. With these heightened senses I forgot that every things, good and bad would affect me more greatly. I didn't expect I would have to stop and rest, recharge, rebuild. I didn't get the memo that this was going to be excruciating.
I'm writing this today to come clean in a way - or several ways.
Over the past month I have been feeling like a failure. I know the title "failure" is harsh in nature but I need to be brutally honest with respect to how I have been measuring my success. By definition "Failure" means; lack of success.
What have I forgotten?
I have forgotten that it's my own personal growth, I can't fail at this. There is no measurement of success when it comes to connecting to your-self.
By trying to measure my success by comparing myself to others, talking myself out of things due to fear/old stories I have lost site of all that I am doing and I have forgotten to be present. I have become a 'lady in waiting' - or waiting for a lady, the one I know is deep down inside to resurface. But I have to understand that she won't resurface, not how I once knew her anyway - someone totally new is going to spring up out of the ashes. She is here, she shows up in my pain, my vulnerability and my all my softness.
So what is this belief about that I have to keep charging forward at full speed? That I am not allowed.
The belief: If I give in to my rest and recovery mode I am going to lose momentum, and stall out.
The old beliefs eh? Always there to nip you in the ass just when you think you have slayed them.
The problem with these beliefs is not where they start out but that they deeply seed themselves underground masking and disguising in unsuspecting moments - showing up as something we think is a useful defence mechanism. I tear down the cement walls and somehow I convince myself to turn around and build them right back up so I can go back to my safe place or being blissfully unaware.
The problem with these beliefs is not where they start out but that they deeply seed themselves underground masking and disguising in unsuspecting moments - showing up as something we think is a useful defence mechanism. I tear down the cement walls and somehow I convince myself to turn around and build them right back up so I can go back to my safe place or being blissfully unaware.
The history on old beliefs/stories:
It starts out that we get a message when we are born, 2, 3, 4, or 5 (or 6, 7 or 8) without us making a conscious choice to agree to it, and because we are we little sponges - we make them our truth. Over time as we grow and they becoming imbedded in every cell of our being, they simmer and season, mutate and slither into our core so that they become unregonizable for what they truly are - lies. These mistruths that were never intentionally bestowed upon us, twist our thoughts and emotions so that all we see comes from this shakey foundation built on false ground. By the time we sit back to re-write the script most of us are at least in our late 20's (not all). The crack inside has spread so wide that we are divided from who we really are, who we came here to be - our true purpose.
In most cases, not all, these messages are not intentional - our parents and our parents parents have no idea that they are passing down a long lineage of negative self views, fear and self-judgement. It becomes as passively handed down as eye colour or hairy toes.
And so, we set out on the path to self-discovery and holy hannah it's painful. It's like getting back into an egg, incubating, growing and re-craking open to reveal ourselves to the world again. Sometimes we are unrecognizable and it's hard for other to adjust to this fresh shiny version. The old self tries to shed but it can be hard to shake and can follow us around for quite some time, like a cloak made out of old skin.
You have to step into the light to confront your shadow.
You have to step into the light to confront your shadow.
We all have our shit, whether or not we are aware of it is one thing, and whether or not we are willing to go in do the work and change it is another. Breaking free of the social conditioning that keeps us striving for an outward sense of self is the hardest thing I have ever done. Asking myself who I am, and what I want and who I want others to see and know has proven to be a difficult task. The work is uncomfortable, and stings with growing pains but I love who I am becoming even if somedays (or weeks) I'm riddled with blisters, aches, exhaustion and too sore to walk my path.
Tonight Lilly asked me to read her a book. I had already read one so I said I would read it tomorrow. She begged and begged and I heard a little inner voice say "read it" so I agreed to read one page. It was a book on mythical creatures - and the first page was a phoenix. I read the description and then sat there brimming with emotion.
It hit me like a strong wind, and took my breath away. Holy shit. I'm a phoenix. When I have shifted and grown, I make a nest, I go to rest, I build a fire and I die. A new me emerges from the ashes - I am reborn. Over and over again.
Though I don't remember I imagine being born to be a painful process, traumatic and shocking.
But look at the beauty that ensues birth and new life?
(I'm pretty biased but isn't this beautiful? It's little newborn squishy face me. February 4th 1983)
When I think I'm failing, moving backwards and stagnating, really all I am doing is needing to allow the new growth to heal and solidify. It takes so much out of me propelling myself forward being completely vulnerable - that I need to let it sink in an set. Like a broken bone, it needs time to fuse and become stronger.
When you feel like you are overwhelmed and failing be kind to yourself.
When you realize there is more you that you can be reaching for, go easy on yourself.
Take the time you need to heal, nourish yourself and allow for all the work you are doing to set and sink in. We are all doing a heavy duty amount of growing, and with that can come a great deal pain. It doesn't mean that it's not worth it - it's evidence that you have grown.
But look at the beauty that ensues birth and new life?
(I'm pretty biased but isn't this beautiful? It's little newborn squishy face me. February 4th 1983)
When I think I'm failing, moving backwards and stagnating, really all I am doing is needing to allow the new growth to heal and solidify. It takes so much out of me propelling myself forward being completely vulnerable - that I need to let it sink in an set. Like a broken bone, it needs time to fuse and become stronger.
When you feel like you are overwhelmed and failing be kind to yourself.
When you realize there is more you that you can be reaching for, go easy on yourself.
Take the time you need to heal, nourish yourself and allow for all the work you are doing to set and sink in. We are all doing a heavy duty amount of growing, and with that can come a great deal pain. It doesn't mean that it's not worth it - it's evidence that you have grown.
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