Today when I walked into my power yoga class I could feel something within me was off immediately because I wanted to turn and run back to my car. By that time though, I had already been greeted by the teacher filling in for Laura. I was uneasy because I am new to yoga and I feel comfortable in Laura's class right now and I didn't know if I was ready for someone else to see me awkwardly yoga-ing. I knew I had to move past this - I can't only go to Laura's classes, other teacher have a lot to offer as well. The class was a little emptier than usual so I decided to put my mat near the front close to the mirror, that way I could peek up (or judge) at myself to see if I was in the poses correctly. At first I thought "you don't deserve to put your mat up front, you are a beginner at best" but I ignored my inner mean voice and placed my mat down anyway.
I decided to dedicate my practice to being present. Simple yet necessary because I knew my mind was full and would wonder off my mat the first chance that popped up. As I was in my first downward dog, I heard Shawna speaking about letting go of life's burdens that were not intended for us to carry and I really felt what she was laying down *foreshadowing*.
To my dismay, with each new movement I could feel anger ever increasingly pulling downward through my throat into my stomach. I then became mad that I was mad. Who is angry in a yoga class though, really? It was the kind of anger that's so heavy I almost thought I was going to throw up. "What is going on with me?" I thought but I kept moving through the poses hoping for something to crack or pop and release some of the heaviness.
That's when Shauna asked us to take our mats to the wall to try some inverted poses...(dun dun dun)
At first I felt excited because usually class is too full and I haven't yet been able to try any out. The first one was handstand. It was fun, we kicked up and I even got my foot up to the back wall for a split second. I felt kid-like and remembered doing this when I was in elementary school. The next pose we did was similar but from our forearms where we held a block and again kicked upwards to try and balance. The first attempt was easier than I thought which resulted in me overshooting my weight. I wobbled and then with all my weight all on my left shoulder I came crashing down. Hard. I was scared, embarrassed and hurt. Shauna came over to see if I was ok and when she put her hand onto mine, I wrapped my arm around hers and placed my head gently on her forearm. I felt like I was 4. She told me to roll over into child's pose, where I instantly started to sob. My shoulder hurt, but I think my ego hurt even more.
Crying on my mat is not an uncommon practice for me. Usually, when I am in shiv asana at the end of class, I shed a couple of tears. (If you know me, you know that I am a highly emotional person and watery eyes are a regular occurrence for me - happy and sad alike.) But this episode was not my usual silent flow of tears, it was a full on expulsion of something inside that needed to get out.
When I was finally able to catch my breath and wipe the tears off my mat, I found that the anger I felt in my throat was gone. I also recognized that it probably wasn't really anger at all but some built up combination of sadness + pride + the destruction that is self deprivation. My practice overwhelmingly brings my attention to the fact that I am not overly kind to myself. I judge my body and my actions constantly, leaving little room for compassion and love. I carry around so many huge heavy burdens of self-judgement alone, never mind all that needs to be done and wondering how my actions affect others.
When I came home and looked up "Shoulders" in my Louise Hay book and it read: Shoulders represent our ability to carry out experiences in life joyously. We make life a burden by our attitude. New thought pattern: I choose to allow all my experiences to be joyous and loving!
Sending love and light to my left shoulder and to all of you who took a moment to read this :)
Happy Saturday!
I decided to dedicate my practice to being present. Simple yet necessary because I knew my mind was full and would wonder off my mat the first chance that popped up. As I was in my first downward dog, I heard Shawna speaking about letting go of life's burdens that were not intended for us to carry and I really felt what she was laying down *foreshadowing*.
To my dismay, with each new movement I could feel anger ever increasingly pulling downward through my throat into my stomach. I then became mad that I was mad. Who is angry in a yoga class though, really? It was the kind of anger that's so heavy I almost thought I was going to throw up. "What is going on with me?" I thought but I kept moving through the poses hoping for something to crack or pop and release some of the heaviness.
That's when Shauna asked us to take our mats to the wall to try some inverted poses...(dun dun dun)
At first I felt excited because usually class is too full and I haven't yet been able to try any out. The first one was handstand. It was fun, we kicked up and I even got my foot up to the back wall for a split second. I felt kid-like and remembered doing this when I was in elementary school. The next pose we did was similar but from our forearms where we held a block and again kicked upwards to try and balance. The first attempt was easier than I thought which resulted in me overshooting my weight. I wobbled and then with all my weight all on my left shoulder I came crashing down. Hard. I was scared, embarrassed and hurt. Shauna came over to see if I was ok and when she put her hand onto mine, I wrapped my arm around hers and placed my head gently on her forearm. I felt like I was 4. She told me to roll over into child's pose, where I instantly started to sob. My shoulder hurt, but I think my ego hurt even more.
Crying on my mat is not an uncommon practice for me. Usually, when I am in shiv asana at the end of class, I shed a couple of tears. (If you know me, you know that I am a highly emotional person and watery eyes are a regular occurrence for me - happy and sad alike.) But this episode was not my usual silent flow of tears, it was a full on expulsion of something inside that needed to get out.
When I was finally able to catch my breath and wipe the tears off my mat, I found that the anger I felt in my throat was gone. I also recognized that it probably wasn't really anger at all but some built up combination of sadness + pride + the destruction that is self deprivation. My practice overwhelmingly brings my attention to the fact that I am not overly kind to myself. I judge my body and my actions constantly, leaving little room for compassion and love. I carry around so many huge heavy burdens of self-judgement alone, never mind all that needs to be done and wondering how my actions affect others.
Sending love and light to my left shoulder and to all of you who took a moment to read this :)
Happy Saturday!
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