I used to wonder all the time what it would be like to be a mother. I obsessed over it, and I judged everyone based on how fearful I was on how little I actually knew about rearing humans.
I made a bajillion oaths about what kind of mother I was and wasn't going to be. I would see women in grocery stores with their kids, kneeling down explaining in great details to them why they couldn't have Smarties and I would smile at them as if to say "nice work!" and then think "Yep! I'm going to be that kinda-mom!". I would also see the exhausted mom and have no idea what she was going through, who would abruptly reply to her kids "Because I said so!" and I wouldthink judge "I'm NEVER going to be THAT kind of mom."
Well guess what. I've been both.
The truth is that I didn't know who the hell I was before I had kids so how the hell did I know what kind of mom I was going to be? I had not been through even 1% of the trenches that motherhood drags you through. Now, I am not inferring that having kids alone somehow gave me the sense of knowing like BAM - magic, ya got kids you suddenly you are all enlightened...what I am saying is that when I was "single" and irresponsible and largely unaware of myself (and how my actions affected others) - I had no idea who "I" was. I was a short tempered, self induced victim, hot headed, wild and manipulative (lots of good things too but these are the main elements that certainly can cause obstacles when you have to think for more than just yourself) young lady.
My friend Lisa asked me today if I would be getting pampered tomorrow for mothers day, before my usual reply of cynicism and assumptive negativity came out about how "it's never special enough" - I realized that it has always been based on expectation. The expectation, of course, that can never be filled - that one about other people realizing how far you have come and how amazing you have done at this whole motherhood thing and then showing you their unconditional gratitude through gifts and actions? You know the one...
I then went into a long drawn out explanation about how I don't care so much anymore if anyone else realizes how awesome I am and how much I rock the shit out of being a mom - because I have finally realized it for myself. You may argue with me about this and say that it really is the best when those around you (especially your baby-daddy) recognizes your efforts. BUT this self-realization-of-awesome is a general theme in my life now, and it's taking over my need for external recognition because honestly - it always comes up short.
Lisa said to me "Well of course, no one is in your head" and I was like "yeah!" that's true, no one knows all the work I have done internally and on a personal level to be able to step up to this massive plate called motherhood.
I have been that mom, exhausted and fragile in the grocery store - about to break, or break something...over someone's head. I have answered "because I said so" more than on one occasion.
I have even been envious, jealous and I will go as far as to say "mad" when I see other moms looking cool and collected while their 3 kids scale the grocery store shelves and calmly ask them to get down, with a slight smile on their face.
So guess what? I found out how those moms do it. You may know the secret by now if you have been reading my posts - because it's a common theme in these parts...the secret is: (drum roll please)...
TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF.
When I was angry and exhausted it was because I was empty and I hadn't stopped at the self-serve love gas pump to fill myself up. I was being a martyr, willing to suffer by my own beliefs and making it everyone else's job to take care of me, read my mind, offer to help etc.
Once I started listening to my inner voice, my urges, my real wants/needs/desires - felt fulfilled and I felt much less resentment.
A few things that helped: Meditation, yoga, healthy eating, rest, saying "no" when needed, setting boundaries, asking for help, not spreading myself too thin, not taking on other peoples crap, not accepting anything less than divine love for myself! My children are now the direct recipients of "spill over love" - form a woman who loves herself. It's massive overflow, instead of me going broke trying to love everyone around me when I am barren.
(Side note: you may read this, like I once would have, and be like "that's all well and good Grace but all those things are a tall ass order and it's not easy." You are absolutely right, it's not easy, but nothing worth it ever is. It's been almost 5 years since I embarked on the journey to love myself more and get off my anti-depressants and I can say that I am finally on the path. I get it, and I write this with love and compassion that someday others who struggle will too.)
This is a great big huge 5th anniversary mothers-day realization for me that the one person who wasn't giving me a pat on the back was ME.
I can see the difference now.
It's all so unfiltered yet crystal clear. Without the self love and approval, I was a train going nowhere waiting for someone to show me the tracks.
I'm on my path now, not anyone else's - and certainly not one that I feel pressured into being on (I still don't have a clean organized house) - and I find myself much more gentle, and much more willing to bend down and speak slowly to my children - to take the time for the little things that used to aggregate me to no end. Because I have made time for myself I do not feel neglected by others, or resentful towards the constant needs of my children.
So today when I met a soon-to-be-new-mom at the park, and we chatted I said "you probably get all kinds of unsolicited advice, but I'm just going to say - take care of you, and reach out when you need it because there is no weakness in caring for the person who has to care for everyone else."
Fill yourself up.
Cherish yourself.
Love the living shit out of YOU. Because if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy :)
Happy Mothers Day ladies, take a meditative moment and let your self-worth sink in there good and deep. Shed a tear for all the growth and learning and loving you have done - YOU DID THAT. I betcha you have surprised yourself on more than one occasion with your pure awesomeness.
High five yourself.
With massive LOVE and GRATITUDE,
"Yeah this one right here goes out to all the baby's mamas, mamas...
Mamas, mamas, baby mamas, mamas" - Outkast, Ms.Jackson
Momma G (no one calls me that, but I've always wanted a nick-name so I am giving myself one)
Grace Karyn
I made a bajillion oaths about what kind of mother I was and wasn't going to be. I would see women in grocery stores with their kids, kneeling down explaining in great details to them why they couldn't have Smarties and I would smile at them as if to say "nice work!" and then think "Yep! I'm going to be that kinda-mom!". I would also see the exhausted mom and have no idea what she was going through, who would abruptly reply to her kids "Because I said so!" and I would
Well guess what. I've been both.
The truth is that I didn't know who the hell I was before I had kids so how the hell did I know what kind of mom I was going to be? I had not been through even 1% of the trenches that motherhood drags you through. Now, I am not inferring that having kids alone somehow gave me the sense of knowing like BAM - magic, ya got kids you suddenly you are all enlightened...what I am saying is that when I was "single" and irresponsible and largely unaware of myself (and how my actions affected others) - I had no idea who "I" was. I was a short tempered, self induced victim, hot headed, wild and manipulative (lots of good things too but these are the main elements that certainly can cause obstacles when you have to think for more than just yourself) young lady.
My friend Lisa asked me today if I would be getting pampered tomorrow for mothers day, before my usual reply of cynicism and assumptive negativity came out about how "it's never special enough" - I realized that it has always been based on expectation. The expectation, of course, that can never be filled - that one about other people realizing how far you have come and how amazing you have done at this whole motherhood thing and then showing you their unconditional gratitude through gifts and actions? You know the one...
I then went into a long drawn out explanation about how I don't care so much anymore if anyone else realizes how awesome I am and how much I rock the shit out of being a mom - because I have finally realized it for myself. You may argue with me about this and say that it really is the best when those around you (especially your baby-daddy) recognizes your efforts. BUT this self-realization-of-awesome is a general theme in my life now, and it's taking over my need for external recognition because honestly - it always comes up short.
Lisa said to me "Well of course, no one is in your head" and I was like "yeah!" that's true, no one knows all the work I have done internally and on a personal level to be able to step up to this massive plate called motherhood.
I have been that mom, exhausted and fragile in the grocery store - about to break, or break something...over someone's head. I have answered "because I said so" more than on one occasion.
I have even been envious, jealous and I will go as far as to say "mad" when I see other moms looking cool and collected while their 3 kids scale the grocery store shelves and calmly ask them to get down, with a slight smile on their face.
So guess what? I found out how those moms do it. You may know the secret by now if you have been reading my posts - because it's a common theme in these parts...the secret is: (drum roll please)...
TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF.
When I was angry and exhausted it was because I was empty and I hadn't stopped at the self-serve love gas pump to fill myself up. I was being a martyr, willing to suffer by my own beliefs and making it everyone else's job to take care of me, read my mind, offer to help etc.
Once I started listening to my inner voice, my urges, my real wants/needs/desires - felt fulfilled and I felt much less resentment.
A few things that helped: Meditation, yoga, healthy eating, rest, saying "no" when needed, setting boundaries, asking for help, not spreading myself too thin, not taking on other peoples crap, not accepting anything less than divine love for myself! My children are now the direct recipients of "spill over love" - form a woman who loves herself. It's massive overflow, instead of me going broke trying to love everyone around me when I am barren.
(Side note: you may read this, like I once would have, and be like "that's all well and good Grace but all those things are a tall ass order and it's not easy." You are absolutely right, it's not easy, but nothing worth it ever is. It's been almost 5 years since I embarked on the journey to love myself more and get off my anti-depressants and I can say that I am finally on the path. I get it, and I write this with love and compassion that someday others who struggle will too.)
This is a great big huge 5th anniversary mothers-day realization for me that the one person who wasn't giving me a pat on the back was ME.
I can see the difference now.
It's all so unfiltered yet crystal clear. Without the self love and approval, I was a train going nowhere waiting for someone to show me the tracks.
I'm on my path now, not anyone else's - and certainly not one that I feel pressured into being on (I still don't have a clean organized house) - and I find myself much more gentle, and much more willing to bend down and speak slowly to my children - to take the time for the little things that used to aggregate me to no end. Because I have made time for myself I do not feel neglected by others, or resentful towards the constant needs of my children.
So today when I met a soon-to-be-new-mom at the park, and we chatted I said "you probably get all kinds of unsolicited advice, but I'm just going to say - take care of you, and reach out when you need it because there is no weakness in caring for the person who has to care for everyone else."
Fill yourself up.
Cherish yourself.
Love the living shit out of YOU. Because if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy :)
Happy Mothers Day ladies, take a meditative moment and let your self-worth sink in there good and deep. Shed a tear for all the growth and learning and loving you have done - YOU DID THAT. I betcha you have surprised yourself on more than one occasion with your pure awesomeness.
High five yourself.
With massive LOVE and GRATITUDE,
"Yeah this one right here goes out to all the baby's mamas, mamas...
Mamas, mamas, baby mamas, mamas" - Outkast, Ms.Jackson
Momma G (no one calls me that, but I've always wanted a nick-name so I am giving myself one)
Grace Karyn
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