I want this post to reflect a part of my journey not the end, so please do not take it that way. It is however a huge milestone and I wanted to go ahead and document all the things I am feeling at this stage. 
Things I never dreamt would come from a journey to weight loss are becoming monumental changes in my life. The biggest and most life altering would be the consistency of my moods. Obviously I still have my dark moments, you know the ones you just aren't proud of. I am not ashamed by any means of the temper tantrums I throw or the large objects - they just aren't at people anymore. I watched myself as if having an out of body experience sometimes. This one evening, after arriving home from a stressful day and two kids screaming ridiculous demands at me, I took hold of the woman who normally gives in to "the epic meltdown", and guided her gently through step by step stimulus reduction. I turned off the tv, I shut off my phone, sat the kids down and calmly asked them what they needed. Not only is this a new thing for me in this type of stressful overworked overstimulated situation but what happened has NEVER happened before. Everything just stopped and we carried on quietly and calmly. There was no blowup and huge exertion of energy. That's when the epiphany happened and it all started to fit together like a giant puzzle of my life.
Losing weight has so many elements, that really aren't about losing weight to begin with. This is going to be difficult to summarize but I'll take a crack at it. Here's what has helped me reduce stress and love myself enough to give a shit about what I was doing and realize how hurtful it was. Disclaimer: I am in no way saying that anyone else should go through these steps, or stop doing any of these things (no judgement passed people) I am just going to demonstrate how sometimes you end up on a path that is not only less travelled but so damn well hidden it looked at first like it didn't exist.
1 - I quit drinking coffee. I didn't know I was a coffee drinker (first problem)...until I had withdrawals. I thought it was a "treat" so when I got it, I had no idea how the addiction was affecting me. It took a strict cleanse that wouldn't allow it, and then falling off the wagon to come to the conclusion that it had negative effects on me that I had no idea weren't just "who I was". IN OTHER WORDS, I WAS BLAMING MYSELF and MY "FLAWS" ON MY PERSONALITY instead of on the demon that took over me who goes by the name of Caffeine. It's a no win battle adding coffee in when you are working at growing, evolving and become more self-aware. P.S. plus spiking levels that cause cravings for carbs. Green tea is a nice replacement, very nice.
2 - I stopped drinking. Insert all the things I just wrote above here, but worse. One drink is now so noticeable - setting me off for two days by throwing me into a depressive state. What a negative outlook I have on myself, those around me and life in general! This = my hangover. I don't get sick, or headaches I just have to be put in a straight jacket and locked in a closet for two moons.
3- Sugar - insert the two rants above, only quicker and a weird swelling of my tongue the next morning?! I actually have indents in my tongue from my teeth as the sugar causing it to swell. Like, WTH?
4 - Exercise, "God's medicine" we'll call it. Better than any drug around. Let's just say I hear Rocky theme music in my head for the rest of the day when I have a good workout - and I mean everything I do feels like 'I'm awesome'. I have to put a plug in here for Zuzanna from bodyrock.tv and also the UGI ball. Best piece of workout props I have ever purchased. Like wow.
5 - PAMPERING myself. What's a bath? I seriously forgot. Nail polish? Pumas stone = thankful feet. Exfoliating...does wonder for your self-esteem. Who knew? I honestly thought "why bother" I felt so bad about myself that I just gave up. NO MATTER how you look you can take the time to treat yourself right. If you won't, who the heck will? Taking time to love whatcha got isn't vain, selfish or unnecessary, it's a form of self love and respectful. Your body works hard so give it some lovin back. I think it was the best thing I started doing to get in touch with and remember my own beauty. We all feel better when our socks don't catch on our dry feet, and soft legs feel good even in pants! I do it for me, if people enjoy sharing an elevator with me more now because I care enough to wear deodorant again, well that's a bonus.
6 - The realization that I can do anything I set my mind to. This is an easy concept, but in practice it isn't so - Anything you do over and over again becomes easy, it's starting it out that's hard and having the endurance to see it through till it becomes a habit or second nature. This lesson became contagious for all kinds of different areas of my life. My relationship, my friendships, work, my kids, all kinds of different goals.
More than anything, knowing that I am worth it. It really was the main element I had to keep repeating to myself day in and day out. Some days it didn't feel believable and on those days I talked to friends, I wrote, and I looked for support. There is always someone out there that can help you see yourself through their loving eyes and eventually you will see it too.
I am loving this journey and if my sharing of all of this inspired one other person well then I would be happy I posted these journal entries... because like I have said before - if I can do it, so can you.
Side note: Uweight loss is the program I started 8 weeks ago. I like their nutrition principles and I love that they do daily coaching. You can go in and talk to them about everything that is causing a block for you. They pat you on the back and even give you a hug. They cheered for me even when the people around me were eating brownies. Worth every penny and with my confidence I have earned it all back in ways money can't buy ;)
that face is almost unrecognizable, its the face of a confident person, a happy person, a person who knows now who she is when she looks in the mirror. Or is starting to anyways. Isn't it funny that we get to a place that when we look in the mirror its like the shower has been on for 3 hours and there is so much steam it doesn't even look like a human is looking back at you. Then as our journey continues, because we are all on a journey, slowly the steam fades and you start to see the shape of who you are again. Its up to you to fill the inside with who you want to be, but with lots of hard work and enough down moments to make you never want to get up again, when you claw your way out of the whole it's that much sunnier on the other side. You look fantastic, and I don't mean your body (WELL OBVIOUSLY I DO!!! ) but its more than that. Look at your face, look at your posture, look at your beautiful smile. This is worth the battle. To come out the other side and FEEL like this. Feel in control. Im proud of you, you continually get back up when life throws you down and this is to be admired. Keep getting back up when you stumble, because life has a funny way of putting road blocks in our way once we get on the right path, just keep focused and get right back on the path!!!! xx
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