Igor. That's who I feel like when I run. Sloppy, uncoordinated and limbs flailing all over the map. Frothing at the mouth, googly eyed and unpredictable. I catch glimpses of a passer-by that confirm clearly wondering if I need assistance or a straight jacket. I guess that's what happens when you try to run 30-40 lbs heavier than you were last time you were an avid runner. It just doesn't "flow". It's such an effort in every single part of my body, but I haaaaave to keep trying. People say it'll get easier. I believe them even though I want to scream "LIAR's" in their face. Of course it gets easier, so easy to say after you make it over the hump. But I love them for whispering these sweet nothings in my ear about how wonderful I'm going to feel. Make love to me with you passionate stories of marathons and triumph. Oh! Oh! Ohhhhhh!
Today Heather E. pushed me and I did love her for it, in a sick twisted kind of way. When I would start to want to walk - she'd see me and say "just push to that car (telephone pole etc.)". It really helped me realize that I can dig a little deeper down and I won't die. Au contraire! I will be a machine of pure stamina. At least that's what I'm telling myself.
I think when you've done something before - eaten a strict diet, run 10k a day, been a frequent gym junkie - you just expect to be able to jump back in. "Hey, I've done it before, why is it so hard now?" This is one of the BIGGEST hurtles for me right now. I just keep thinking about how I was a lean-mean-exercise machine once upon a time. I've concluded that this is hurting my progress. I have to start anew and just forget about the girl who had a life so unlike the one I have now, different motivators (not all good) and some serious eating/exercise disorders. I don't want to replicate that scenario. I want this to be a quest for happiness, not extremism. I even thought I was fat here:
I have a messed up relationship with food. I know I've spoken about this before but we are so on again off again that I really need to re-evaluate this situation, make some LIFE LONG changes and stick the eff with it. I noticed tonight that when I was eating at Heather L. (yes I have three good friends named Heather, try to keep up) that I wanted to just LOAD my plate with the delicious meal she made. Like, WHY? It's not my last meal, I'll eat again. What's with the "lack" mentality? It's like if I don't take a shit load, someone else will eat my share. My primal instincts kick in and I get down right greedy. I can't even eat slowly, I scarf, take no breaths or prisoners. I haven't totally got this dialed yet so I will keep you posted on when I figure it out - thoughts and suggestions are welcome as usual.
I've always thought I was fat. From as early as I can remember. I had boobs before anyone else I knew and I always had more of an athletic figure than the rest of the girls. I beat myself up over it and hid my body for so long! It didn't matter what I actually weighed or looked like I just wanted more more more, six pack, slim shoulders, no boobs etc. Basically, a body so unlike my own and I became unrecognizable at times. I want to look like me, just a healthy radiant me. I want to look on the outside, how I feel on the inside. B-E-A-U-TIFUL.
P.S. Thank you for the suggestions on running, pushing yourself, music and just reading this. I am so happy with all the phone calls I get everyday to go for a walk or run. SEXY WOMEN UNITE! Power to the ladies.
I think you are on the right track with accepting yourself for the body type that you have. I have always felt the same way, I'm definitely not curvy, kinda built like a boy and have ALWAYS weighed more than anybody with the same body as me. I am big boned and no that doesn't always mean overweight! I am literally big boned, I will always weigh at least 10 pounds more than someone who looks the same as me. THIS IS OK!!!!!!! NO ONE cares "how much" we weigh!!!! are you happy? are you a joy to be around? do you have a sparkle in your eyes because you are truly happy with yourself? are you confident in your own skin? These are the things we need to strive for. I often look back at pictures of myself from 5-10 years ago and think "what do I have to do to look like this again?" and the reality is... a lot of plastic surgery lol... the truth is I AM NOT THIS PERSON ANY MORE!!! I am a wife... mother... homemaker.. provider. Not a teenager. I think you have to have the same mentality about having kids as women do as they age. "my laugh lines just show the joy I shared making memories with my family". As much as I would like to have a teenage girl body, I don't, I birthed 2 children and my body will not forget this, and I am learning to be ok with it too..... slowly learning, along with you friend =)
ReplyDelete