My kids taught me to clap for myself.

I have been thinking about one of the comments on my blog all day today. Quote "I walk a fine line between trying to love the body that I have now (and not 5 years ago) and being unhappy enough to change it, do you settle for reality, or keep looking at things that you would like to change".

First a little background. So after I posted my blog, I happened to catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror that I forgot wast in our bedroom (we just stuck it there while we decide where to hang it). I was in my underwear and I was utterly and completely devastated. I didn't have a chance to pump myself up and get in positive mode to find all the things I like about my body. It just happened with out any mental preparation. Sometimes I forget what having twins did to my belly, it's rare but it happens. After skin is stretched out that much it's nothing short of scary what is left. The comment above really struck a cord because I wonder sometimes if I should have surgery to remove the skin and put my ab wall back into place. I am torn between it being something I "deserve" and it being way too extreme. I should be proud of my belly shouldn't I? I mean...shouldn't I? Isn't that the proud mother way? I was proud of it right after I had my babies and I stupidly showed it to a couple of friends and they gagged. Unfortunately, that is not an exaggeration and I'm not kidding. I got over it, obviously I didn't realize they weren't aware of how incredibly hard it is to grow babies INSIDE your body. I was showing them my war wounds like scars on a veteran.

Has the media caused us to never be happy with what we've got? To always be searching and critiquing things we need to change and improve? Yes I think so, but I also don't think that wanting to be good to your body if necessarily falling into this trap. I realize time after time that some of my most beautiful friends think they are ugly or "fat", and I am baffled by this!

I am recognizing that jealousy arises when I see someone in great shape, or losing weight or just looking stunning. The point: wanting change but not belittling ourselves is a fine line. Finding balance is key. Deciding that you are going to honour your body by treating it well doesn't require looking for things about yourself that you don't like or want to change. It's counter productive.

I don't believe in the old adage about 'hard work will alone get you where you want to be". I think it's the long way because hard work is twice as hard without believing. I think believing you can have anything you want trumps hard work any day. I'm not saying that it's not going to take sweaty pits and sore arse muscles, but the belief must must must be there first. "Wanting in belief is life giving, wanting in doubt is terrible" - Esther Hicks (Abraham-Hicks).

When I see someone looking damn good, now, I am working at thinking "effin' right, I can have what I want too!"I want a slammin body because hey I can have one and WHY NOT? I believe that I can do what it takes to get there. Jealousy usually comes up and then holds me apart from what I really want. I think it translates to my heart/mind as 'un-desiring' something. Think about it for a second. So many times I have seen someone and thought "oh how vain/greedy" or "what a waste of money", "who needs a house that big!", "seriously, get that skinny girl a sandwich!" the list goes on. When really the feelings are "aww I want that" and then a lack of belief that I could have anything I want, if I just believe I deserve it and if I believe I am capable. Capable to do what it takes and also to call/draw in to my experience people, places and events to help me achieve my goal. Why? Because I am looking for opportunities, my eyes are up, my boobies are out and I'm ready, bring it on. There are so many forms of "limiting beliefs" that basically keep us paralyzed from making the changes we really do want deep down in the depths of our souls. We talk ourselves out of it by saying "Oh I don't really need that...I'm fine the way I am". But are we really satisfied or are we just scared to stumble along the way - better to not have tried at all so we don't feel the disappointment? I don't think it's all about getting what we want. I think it's about achievement. Even small achievements feel fantastic don't they? If you let them, if you don't talk yourself out of what you did to get there, the changes you made, the belief you had in yourself, then it really is the best feeling in the world. I DID IT!

A little more insight:

I starting noticing recently (although this has been going on forever) that when I get really nervous or feel negative emotions rise up in me, it's usually because I want to do or be a part of something (that I don't believe I can) and I am pushing against it because I'm SCARED of failure, or even more scared of SUCCESS! What am I going to do once I accomplish this goal? Then what? I'm way outside my comfort zone then and I'll just tumble back down into old habits, because once you are up it's a long fall down. Maybe I should just stay here, down here, where it's shitty but comfy. At least I'm use to it and I bought all these big pants anyway so I should just rock the mom-ass. So right now I am sorting through some beliefs - old beliefs and I'm about to start purging and this crap and it can't even be recycled or taken to Sally Ann. "I'm gonna burn this mother down" (Jack Black in Orange County).

I am where I am, and that's ok. I do want to improve but it's a natural to do so. I'm going to celebrate my accomplishments no matter how big or small. I'm going to clap for myself more often because even though it feels good when other people clap for us, they aren't always there or aware that they should.