Vrksasana - say whaaa?

I fell in love with myself. In the mirror. At hot yoga.

Yes.

It was surreal.

Let me just walk you through the turn of events here. I have gone to Bikram, and really I don't like the dictator military style of it. Different kind of suffocating heat as well, not infrared. (Sorry to all you bikram lovers this is just my opinion remember). I also have always claimed to not like yoga. I would say it's too slow for me, I like bootcamp and hardcore stuff. However, Heather E. convinced me to come and try it with her.

I was nervous, I really didn't know what to expect - it was power yoga. "What the heck is that?" I kept thinking in my head, are we going to use weights? So I walk in, and of course there are people there getting into their yoga zone, laying still on the floor in the heat. So I followed suite and got down and into what I was hoping would be a lovely meditation. Just then, my mind started spinning out of control. So I remembered all that I know about meditation and just kept saying "thank you thought, goodbye" and released each thought as it came. It must have worked because I almost forgot where I was when the instructor walked in. And so it begins....

I could just stay in "child's pose" all day, knees open, face on the floor arms out. To me it's ultimate surrender. On the flip side, downward friggen facing jerk ass dog, is the hardest pose for me. My arms just can't hack it (yet). Arms shaking out of their sockets, fingers screaming in slippery sweaty pain (I'm thinking, I am in for an ass whoopin if I can't even do this first pose). But then things started to flow and I gained some confidence. "You've done this before, you can do it again". I kept catching glimpse of myself in the mirror at first and trying to avoid eye contact with myself so I wouldn't acknowledge the top of my stomach protruding over my tighty-pants. Each pose brought on a new challenge and a new position that allowed me to get to know my body even more. How far I could push and still enjoy the pose. I started to really get sweaty and comfortable in my body about mid way through the class. When we got to some standing poses (which are my favs anyway) I was delighted. I love to balance (oooh good metaphor). I really love "dancer's pose" and most of all "tree pose" (Vrksasana).

This is where is happened.

Facing the mirror, I reached for my left foot and brought it into the inside of my right thigh, as high up as it would go flat against my inner thigh and resumed my hands back in prayer at heart center. Staring at myself in this position brought on a huge wave of emotion. I could see my body. I mean REALLY see it. Not judge it, not belittle it or pick it apart. But just see it and appreciate it for the vessel that it is. Tears started welling up in my eyes. I cannot remember a time EVER in my life where I looked at myself in the mirror and felt this much joy and gratitude. I mean TREE pose, who woulda thought? To go even further into the pose and hold your hands upward as if in offering, or acceptance!?!? Amazing. I felt open to so much goodness and rooted at the same time.

Yoga, to me, is really about balance. Finding balance in your body and therefore finding balance in your life. It's a disciplined practice that can challenge you in a new way each and every time. To go deeper into yourself and deeper into your pose, searching for strength. The ability to focus. To let go the complications of your day, letting go of the sweat dripping down your brow in the heat of the room (and the heat of your life). It's YOU time. There may be others in the class but you sure aren't focused on them. Time doesn't matter, stress doesn't matter, just holding that pose and feeling the limits of your body are all you can concentrate on right in that moment. It is an opportunity to live in the moment.

I would never have thought that yoga would help bring me to this place in my journey. But it did. I am so appreciative to Heather E, and Gale and everyone who kept telling me to go and give it a try. I was ready.

Today I can barely move. Not only am I sick with a cold that was trying to fight it's way in days before I went to this class, but my body in sore in places I didn't even know existed anymore. It takes great difficulty to pick up my children! I am feeling my entire body. It might be sore, but it'll pass and I am so glad that I can feel each and every muscle. What a blessing!