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Boogie on down.

Happy Thanksgiving! Yesterday I exercised my Turkey eating skills. Well, all weekend really. We had Turkey with my dad, Gale, Ashley and Luke on Saturday and then we went over to our friends (Heather and Lance's) on Sunday. It was a fantastic weekend. I couldn't have asked for better company. I didn't go for a run, but we did dance our butts off at Broken Social Scene last night! I'm going to post a link to the opening band "The Sea and Cake".
I felt discouraged yesterday because I feel like this week was hard work but when I went to put on my jeans that I wore last summer when I had lost weight, there was no chance in H-E-double hockey sticks they were getting done up. I know I know, it's only been a week, but I thought I'd be optimistic and give it a go. I had to really calm myself down because it made me so angry. I guess "it" didn't make me angry, I have a choice to be rational or not here. However I chose to be slightly irrational and launched the pants across the room, and then proceed to riffle through my clothes like there was a sale on at Costco (that place is a war zone, they should get stop lights and have limits on the amount of time people can stop traffic to ponder a purchase). There were clothes everywhere, Danny came in and gave me a sideways looked and asked if a bomb went off? That made me even more mad, because he should just read my mind right? He should know how frustrated I am with the lack of choices I have right now in my wardrobe, get down on the floor and hold me while I cry about how the button of my jeans wouldn't do up.
It's funny how before I get ready to go somewhere, I get in my mind how I'm going to look soooo nice this time. I'm going to be patient with my hair, straighten it properly, take extra care with my eye-makeup (no chicken scratch eye liner lines), and then I leave my clothes to the very end. Lately, I get an outfit on and then look for a scarf or a sweater to hide or cover up, or go through 5 different outfits first and then end up in a heap with my clothes in my closet on the floor. How did it come to this I wonder...I mean, yes I gained some weight but do I look THAT bad? Sheesh.
What I am getting at here are the ups and downs in this journey. Some days I am on top of the world and nothing can get me down. I understand the power of positive thinking and I am happy to just be me. Other days I could literally burn my whole closet down and cry in the middle of the floor. I'm working on finding balance. Remembering this will be steps forward and steps back. That there are people who support me to draw upon and leverage each others strength. Friends and family who remind me that I'm beautiful even with 40 extra lbs. Neighbours to walk with and discuss the slumps and successes with. It wouldn't really be worth it either, if it was easy because I wouldn't grow and evolve. I have to work on my belief system so that even when I do lose the weight I don't slide back down. Get comfortable with being fit, stop believing that I just have a body type that "will never be thin". Someone said that to me once, way back when and it was burned into my belief system. So I think that's the place to start, changing what I think is factual, and doing it for the right reasons. I was very thin in university but I was also unhealthy and obsessed with weight loss. I want this to be about health, not about extremism or proving anybody wrong.

Comments

  1. ParinteenOctober 11, 2010 at 1:24 PM

    I know how it is getting dressed in the morning, I am familiar with the frustration and heap of clothes! I was looking forward to school so I could actually dress in some nice clothes and put some time and effort into the way I look rather than throwing on bullet-proof painting clothes and not even looking in the mirror once. But now that I've gained over 10 pounds since starting school, I SO wish I could just throw on some painting clothes and not even care. But instead I have to squeeze into the clothes I already have, do a dance and a few squats to streettch the pants out so they fit comfortably. Ugh, what a chore it has become just to get dressed in the morning. So yea, you are not alone in this and I am finding massive amounts of inspiration from you and your positive/hilarious outlook on this journey. GO YOU!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. RoxanneOctober 24, 2010 at 4:11 AM

    Grace,
    isn't it funny how some things stick in our heads like we will most certainly die if we ever forget that thought. And then some things we just let slide if they aren't as convenient for us. Why isn't it the "You're beautiful" or "Eating good food will make you feel and look better" that we adopt as religion and its always the "You're big boned" Or "If you're tiny your big boobs will look out of place". We always seem to remember the thoughts that will come in handy later as excuses to get out of the hard work.

    This week I am going to try hard to remember the good thoughts :D Thanks Grace!

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