Part I:
I am sitting here crying for no reason.
Well...let me define "no reason".
There is no apparent reason but I am sure there are infinite possibilities of reasons.
I was wiping away the tears with vast exasperation when I heard a voice in my head say "Come on, pull yourself together!" and suddenly I found myself saying aloud in an effort to take a stand "NO!". (As I get older I talk to myself). Why should I have to? In my almost 30 years of experience, crying always had something to tell me, if I can shut up long enough to listen.
When I think about it, I'm probably PMS'ing. At first I was mad about it I thought "Oh shit here we go..." but no, now I realize I want to try something new. I want to try and honour this, maybe it's important to see the feelings for what they are and not hide behind them. I am sure that PMS can show us strong but important emotions if we can find a safe place to cradle and then release them.
I don't want to be responsible for a a bait and switch here so I am going to be up front with you: this post is about menstruation. "I read somewhere that their periods attract bears. The bears can smell the menstruation." (Brick Tamland, Anchorman: The legend of Ron Burgundy). <Come on, I had to>
It's actually strange to me that this is a tabu subject seeing that 50.4% of the population in Canada is comprised of Females...that's over 17 million women in this country alone. You'd think it would come up more often.
I have been wanting to write about the ever evasive, mind boggling and mysterious PreMenstrual Symptoms for a while - (especially while I am in the thick of it) so here's my chance...I think?
It's proven a difficult task because when it's happening you aren't totally sure. I find it usually sneaks up on me and always takes some guess work. You'd think that after 20 years I would start to get wise to it's ways. The emotions feel so intense and so real (and of course they are), that they can really overwhelm and take over and take me completely off guard. So I usually just succumb under their weight with little awareness for what they are trying to tell me. For me, the only thing worse than me having total disregard for my emotions is someone else discrediting my heightened emotional sensitivity without my permission by saying "Oh she's just PMS'ing". It's as if I should be ignored, or tied up out back because some evil force has inhabited my body and I'm not really there anymore. Quick get the Exorcist. Quite frankly it makes me wanna gauge their eyeballs out with a fork. (I'm sorry mom I am sure I said this you when I wasan idiot young.)
I guess, when I think about it, maybe I have given permission through leading by example and sluffing my emotional state off to this mysterious red cloak that encases me for a few days a month.
So let's delve into this infinite abyss...
Wikipedia says "medical definitions of PMS are limited to a consistent pattern of emotional and physical symptoms occurring only during the luteal phase of the menstrual cycle that are of "sufficient severity to interfere with some aspects of life".[1] In particular, emotional symptoms must be present consistently to diagnose PMS."
Some of my (in)consistent medicinal ailments/symptoms that have been diagnosed by my doctorate of life are as follows: *Please note that I am usually totally and completely in denial of these as they are happening...
I feel like my personality has been kidnapped. It's the sudden and almost complete loss of my rational ability to navigate my way through a situation, that hurts the most. It pains me to draw this comparison but...Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde? I have been working so hard at gaining perspective, harnessing my emotions and utilizing them in constructive passionate ways...and then BAM...the "crimson wave" (that's what I found when I searched 'slang for period') swells and sucks me into it's under tow. I need to get me a life jacket yo.
Isn't that symbolic? A shedding of the old.
Wow! Each month we have the opportunity to shed our old crap in order to make way for new! What a powerful symbolic/physical event! Imagine if we held little mini-ceremonies for ourselves? Maybe some burning of incense or even a meditation or *moon salutation focused yoga practice?!?
*see blow for tid bits on Moon salutation postures representing feminine energy.
I am on a mission to figure out how to best work with my womanly powers.
Enter She-Ra.
I have had my suspicions that She-ra was a monumental show (in the 80's no less) about a woman who figured out how to harness her inner Warrior Goddess (obviously by realizing her feminine powers instead of succumbing to them as weaknesses) - and the best part is that she lives inside all of us.
(Look at her in all her feminine glory! You think She-ra got her period?! You are damn right she did, and she owned that shit and carried a sword.) Can you imagine if She-Ra had of been overwhelmed by this power bestowed upon her?
Crazy thought: maybe Adora morphing into She-Ra was all about how we come into our Power when we are on our period? Maybe it's a transformation!
Here is my evidence of this:
This up here ^ about being strong and pure definitely was not my experience.
From a young age, we certainly are not given the impression that our periods are going to be exciting. Sure we get the little "hurray! you are a woman!" (from our moms) but shortly there after we realize how easy men have it and we are caught unaware when we unknowingly get penis envy. What automatically comes with the longing to not have our periods, is resentment. Our battle field stories of how awful it is and that "they will never understand" create more discontent towards something we cannot change. For real though - we can't change it (well I don't know if we should be trying to change it...).
When I got my period I felt like I was left in the dust of my mom's enthusiasm - feeling like I got dooped into being excited about a life long curse. I was 10 years old and in grade 5 when one Sunday afternoon after church 'Life' threw a bag over my head, threw me into a van, and drove off with what I once called 'childhood'. I didn't see it coming, and I didn't know how to prepare of protect myself - essentially from myself. Suddenly I was a different person with this "thing" following me around. The darn "thing" was pretty unreliable at first, and I felt like I was always looking over my shoulder to see if it was stalking me, slowly getting closer. It would come and go and then it was just a waiting game as to when it was coming for me. It was like having an awesome CD on repeat but you just couldn't remove that one song you hated just near the end.
So after all that, here's what's up.
*Warning this section contains the word UTERUS:
I am declaring a new motto:
I am so lucky to be a woman.
To have the ability to create and carry life in my body. To have the inherent ability to nurture, to have a bosom that provides comfort and safety for my children long after they have finished breastfeeding.
In order to make this ^ happen my uterus has to shed a lining each month. Fact. That lining may or may not make new life. So it's pretty fucking awesome is it not? Maybe we can't know how awesome our "uteri" are until we hold a human being in our arms that was built in our abdomen. Then we can put it all together - that the normal and healthy function of the Uterus had a lot - no, EVERYTHING to do it that. The the journey we embark on everything month is always different, but it is our mission - should we choose to accept it.
There is so much power in our femininity - and it's not about exercising that over anyone else but it sure as shit is time we stopped giving it away. Own it, be it.
I just want to add that this is not about being "better than" men, but rather reconnecting to our feminine consciousness - being the women we were intended to be. The women we are now being called upon to be.
So what do She-Ra, the Princess of Power, and my period have in common?
For starters they are both uniquely badass - only women have the honour of having a period and making humans in heir bodies - that's badass. She-Ra is just badass, I don't think I need to explain that further. If I have learned anything from She-Ra/Adora it's just a matter of learning how to hear the "fabulous secrets that are revealed" as she says in the opening of the show. Like her, we need to hear and channel the secrets of the Goddess that have been suppressed and hidden by taking the powers that hover beneath the surface and turning them into greatness. I think that believing my period makes me weak brings me to my knees and hog ties me...but I have a choice. I can be like She-Ra, and when the time comes for my transformation to take place, I can hold my sword above my head proudly instead of dragging it behind me like dead weight.
One of the episodes was called "battle for bright moon." Please reference the part about Moon Cycles above. Also "Moon" as in the moon salutations in yoga, allow us to honour the yin or feminine side of our energy. Coincidence? Pffft, nope.
Her name was Adora which means "gift, beloved and adored". She was the defender of the great Crystal Castle...(aka her vagina!) I mean come on it was a big complex fortress with an opening at the base with all kinds of fancy winglike folds - and a jewel in the centre!
I will tell you one thing, in a world full of phallic symbolism - the Crystal Castle sure ain't no penis.
If you ask me, which you kinda did cause you decided to read this - it's kind of an upside down picture of the female anatomy.
Fabulous secrets were revealed to her the day she held her sword in front of a giant opening with teeth (the myth of vaginas having teeth dates back to Greek Mythology they believed that the vagina had dangerous hidden secrets, and that having sex with a woman would mean the risk of castration! Which really was about the fear of the power the vagina held over them, which if you think about it is a whole lot of power). In fact there are so many times over history where lies were told to try and down play the greatness of the vagina (many many times).
And finally, in closing, just take a moment to watch this:
I am sitting here crying for no reason.
Well...let me define "no reason".
There is no apparent reason but I am sure there are infinite possibilities of reasons.
I was wiping away the tears with vast exasperation when I heard a voice in my head say "Come on, pull yourself together!" and suddenly I found myself saying aloud in an effort to take a stand "NO!". (As I get older I talk to myself). Why should I have to? In my almost 30 years of experience, crying always had something to tell me, if I can shut up long enough to listen.
When I think about it, I'm probably PMS'ing. At first I was mad about it I thought "Oh shit here we go..." but no, now I realize I want to try something new. I want to try and honour this, maybe it's important to see the feelings for what they are and not hide behind them. I am sure that PMS can show us strong but important emotions if we can find a safe place to cradle and then release them.
I don't want to be responsible for a a bait and switch here so I am going to be up front with you: this post is about menstruation. "I read somewhere that their periods attract bears. The bears can smell the menstruation." (Brick Tamland, Anchorman: The legend of Ron Burgundy). <Come on, I had to>
It's actually strange to me that this is a tabu subject seeing that 50.4% of the population in Canada is comprised of Females...that's over 17 million women in this country alone. You'd think it would come up more often.
I have been wanting to write about the ever evasive, mind boggling and mysterious PreMenstrual Symptoms for a while - (especially while I am in the thick of it) so here's my chance...I think?
It's proven a difficult task because when it's happening you aren't totally sure. I find it usually sneaks up on me and always takes some guess work. You'd think that after 20 years I would start to get wise to it's ways. The emotions feel so intense and so real (and of course they are), that they can really overwhelm and take over and take me completely off guard. So I usually just succumb under their weight with little awareness for what they are trying to tell me. For me, the only thing worse than me having total disregard for my emotions is someone else discrediting my heightened emotional sensitivity without my permission by saying "Oh she's just PMS'ing". It's as if I should be ignored, or tied up out back because some evil force has inhabited my body and I'm not really there anymore. Quick get the Exorcist. Quite frankly it makes me wanna gauge their eyeballs out with a fork. (I'm sorry mom I am sure I said this you when I was
I guess, when I think about it, maybe I have given permission through leading by example and sluffing my emotional state off to this mysterious red cloak that encases me for a few days a month.
So let's delve into this infinite abyss...
Wikipedia says "medical definitions of PMS are limited to a consistent pattern of emotional and physical symptoms occurring only during the luteal phase of the menstrual cycle that are of "sufficient severity to interfere with some aspects of life".[1] In particular, emotional symptoms must be present consistently to diagnose PMS."
Some of my (in)consistent medicinal ailments/symptoms that have been diagnosed by my doctorate of life are as follows: *Please note that I am usually totally and completely in denial of these as they are happening...
- I feel irritable as hell.
- I'm unreasonably angry (and hungry). Bad combo.
- I curse at my dryer for "shrinking" my pants...(ones I picked up off the floor that did not come out of the dryer because they were already pre-broken in by wearing them the day before.)
- Everything is too loud, too bright and too much.
- I have a hard time stringing together simple sentences and thought sequences.
- I feel like I could pop-off at anyone at any given minute like a bottle of pop (or kombucha). DO NOT SHAKE.
- I wanna hide out under the covers and ignore everyone.
- Simple tasks evade and enrage me. (Let me put it this way: Right now if I tried to zip or unzip something I would probably violently rip it apart or start chewing on it like a rabid dog.)
- By no means to I want to be touched by Danny. Let me just say that I love being touched by Danny on a "regular" day. I snap at him like a venus fly trap as soon as his hand grazes my skin.
- Strong feelings of hopelessness
When you show up at your doctors office listing off these symptoms the little white pad comes out and suddenly you find yourself on a new anit-depressent. In hindsight maybe they should ask "where are you on your cycle?".
I feel like my personality has been kidnapped. It's the sudden and almost complete loss of my rational ability to navigate my way through a situation, that hurts the most. It pains me to draw this comparison but...Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde? I have been working so hard at gaining perspective, harnessing my emotions and utilizing them in constructive passionate ways...and then BAM...the "crimson wave" (that's what I found when I searched 'slang for period') swells and sucks me into it's under tow. I need to get me a life jacket yo.
Just to go back to the wiki-definition here for a moment. I don't know about you ladies - but there is NOTHING consistent about my PMS. Reading "medicinal definition" should have been a dead giveaway that this definition was going to be lame ass. From there, I can't help but be drawn to and then disgusted by the word "diagnosed". So...it's a condition of some sort? The ability to make humans in your body is a medical condition? There has to be more to it than this...
I think this description above is part of the problem if not the total problem. There's a disconnect. Periods = Unfortunate dreaded monthly curse extremely vital role of that ol' baby making process.
Because we have not been taught to honour the inevitable and largely misunderstood natural monthly event, we instead learn to resent it.
To be more than revealing here for a second - most of my life I have hidden behind it, used and domestically abused my Aunt Flo. Instead of trying to understand it, it has just been forever an excuse for my behaviour. Without understanding it and carefully navigating my way through it, I discredit myPMS heightened state of awareness (from now on known as HSA not PMS) as an excuse for self-induced misunderstood emotions - and then I take it out on others (especially Danny because I'm mad he doesn't have a clue what this awful experience is like, nor does he have to have a it). So I take it out on those around me via the misunderstood emotions that become knee jerk actions and reactions - leaving me spinning in exhaustion and shame. Like those things at the playground that you get on and someone spins - you always regret being that vulnerable to someone else's sick desire to see you puke.
Because we have not been taught to honour the inevitable and largely misunderstood natural monthly event, we instead learn to resent it.
To be more than revealing here for a second - most of my life I have hidden behind it, used and domestically abused my Aunt Flo. Instead of trying to understand it, it has just been forever an excuse for my behaviour. Without understanding it and carefully navigating my way through it, I discredit my
The end result is that I throw myself out there like a piece of meat to the wolves. I unconsciously victimize myself. When I don't take the time to assess and understand my emotions it creates involuntary vulnerability. I do things that I no longer identify with and I am not proud of ie. yelling, throwing, slamming, screaming, name calling etc. But in a way, it seems acceptable. I mean really though, we are all surrounded by it our whole lives. We hear men talk about how she must be "pms'ing" or even women themselves just shrug things they say and do off because they were 'about to start their period'. We just abandon ship.
Well I'm calling my own bluff on this one. Sure it can be consuming, but I don't have to scootch over and let it drive. I can stand my ground while the storm hits.
Well I'm calling my own bluff on this one. Sure it can be consuming, but I don't have to scootch over and let it drive. I can stand my ground while the storm hits.
Call me crazy but maybe, just maybe, PMS HSA is an opportunity to empty the metaphorical bucket? Maybe the flood gates open up, the channels become unblocked and all the crap I have been setting aside and pushing down for the past 28 days finally catches up to me and bangs at the door to be let out?
Maybe it's a chance to let it all go, start anew, refreshed and less loaded down.
Isn't that symbolic? A shedding of the old.
Wow! Each month we have the opportunity to shed our old crap in order to make way for new! What a powerful symbolic/physical event! Imagine if we held little mini-ceremonies for ourselves? Maybe some burning of incense or even a meditation or *moon salutation focused yoga practice?!?
*see blow for tid bits on Moon salutation postures representing feminine energy.
I am on a mission to figure out how to best work with my womanly powers.
Enter She-Ra.
I have had my suspicions that She-ra was a monumental show (in the 80's no less) about a woman who figured out how to harness her inner Warrior Goddess (obviously by realizing her feminine powers instead of succumbing to them as weaknesses) - and the best part is that she lives inside all of us.
Crazy thought: maybe Adora morphing into She-Ra was all about how we come into our Power when we are on our period? Maybe it's a transformation!
Here is my evidence of this:
This November, when I participated in a 'Native Full Moon Ceremony' for woman only. There was smudging and singing, and drumming. It was in the kekuli at Summerhill Pyramid Winery.
As I walked through the material that hung over a small opening at the base of a hill into what I can only explain as a hobbit house, I gave my eyes a second to adjust before I was able to take in the enormous structure in the ground that I had stepped into. It was like going through a portal.
It was the most beautiful event I have ever had the pleasure of attending. I realized I had never been at an event of that size with only females. It was all I could do to not sob the entire time I was there.
When the Okanagan women who lead the ceremony spent some time speaking about 'Moon Cycles' I quickly learned they were referring to the menstrual cycle. What a beautiful way to describe it! The women said that the girls and women who are in 'their moon time' are not allowed or encouraged to attend smudging ceremonies (which are used to purify people and places) because they are believed to be so strong, so pure and in their power during that time they they do not want to tamper with that.
Here is an excerpt from a native website I found: http://www.sgib.ca/index_files/Page2137.htm
"The second rule and this applies only to women is that women on their “moon time” may not smudge but they will be asked to form another circle outside the inner circle of people present. This is done in order to strengthen and protect the people. You see, women on their “moon time” are already being cleansed by mother nature and it isn’t necessary for them to be smudged. Women on their “moon time” are spiritually at their strongest. “Moon time” is the term Mi’kmaq people use to describe a women’s menstrual cycle. The reason our ancestors called it “moon time” was because of the belief that the moon controlled the woman’s cycle just as the moon controls the tides."
Wow. Pure? Strong? Say whaaaaa?!?
I remembered a book that my friend Terra showed me when I was visiting Vancouver called "Moon Mysteries" and she said that it allowed us as women to realize our feminine connectedness to the moon cycles. I started to connect the dots.
*There is a lot of important feminine history and information hidden away. This is already extremely long so I promise to write more on this another time.
(I wanted to wait to write this post until I had read the book and could bestow all the wonderous knowledge the book held upon you all - but today something clawed at me to speak about what I was going through as a part 1 to this journey of better understanding.)
This up here ^ about being strong and pure definitely was not my experience.
From a young age, we certainly are not given the impression that our periods are going to be exciting. Sure we get the little "hurray! you are a woman!" (from our moms) but shortly there after we realize how easy men have it and we are caught unaware when we unknowingly get penis envy. What automatically comes with the longing to not have our periods, is resentment. Our battle field stories of how awful it is and that "they will never understand" create more discontent towards something we cannot change. For real though - we can't change it (well I don't know if we should be trying to change it...).
When I got my period I felt like I was left in the dust of my mom's enthusiasm - feeling like I got dooped into being excited about a life long curse. I was 10 years old and in grade 5 when one Sunday afternoon after church 'Life' threw a bag over my head, threw me into a van, and drove off with what I once called 'childhood'. I didn't see it coming, and I didn't know how to prepare of protect myself - essentially from myself. Suddenly I was a different person with this "thing" following me around. The darn "thing" was pretty unreliable at first, and I felt like I was always looking over my shoulder to see if it was stalking me, slowly getting closer. It would come and go and then it was just a waiting game as to when it was coming for me. It was like having an awesome CD on repeat but you just couldn't remove that one song you hated just near the end.
So after all that, here's what's up.
Today I am going to ride the wave of emotions until it crashes.
I am going to embark on a shift in perspective.
I am going to be forward and say "I am emotional" not because it's an excuse for my behaviour but because I want to own it. Being emotional and knowing how to handle it is strength. I think I owe it to myself to just be open and honest about how I am feeling. As the famous psychiatrist Carl Jung said "what you resists persists" so maybe if I don't push so hard it will just be and I can still feel like a whole person - or even a stronger person. I am a highly emotional, intuitive and sensitive woman. These are my gifts, not my weaknesses as I once believed. I want to embrace that, regardless of where I am in my cycle. I have so much proof that I am undeniable strong. I am me all the time and nothing is going to rob me of my awesomeness. I just might have to work a little harder and dig a little deeper - further expanding my zone of awesomeness.*Warning this section contains the word UTERUS:
I am declaring a new motto:
I am so lucky to be a woman.
To have the ability to create and carry life in my body. To have the inherent ability to nurture, to have a bosom that provides comfort and safety for my children long after they have finished breastfeeding.
In order to make this ^ happen my uterus has to shed a lining each month. Fact. That lining may or may not make new life. So it's pretty fucking awesome is it not? Maybe we can't know how awesome our "uteri" are until we hold a human being in our arms that was built in our abdomen. Then we can put it all together - that the normal and healthy function of the Uterus had a lot - no, EVERYTHING to do it that. The the journey we embark on everything month is always different, but it is our mission - should we choose to accept it.
There is so much power in our femininity - and it's not about exercising that over anyone else but it sure as shit is time we stopped giving it away. Own it, be it.
I just want to add that this is not about being "better than" men, but rather reconnecting to our feminine consciousness - being the women we were intended to be. The women we are now being called upon to be.
So what do She-Ra, the Princess of Power, and my period have in common?
For starters they are both uniquely badass - only women have the honour of having a period and making humans in heir bodies - that's badass. She-Ra is just badass, I don't think I need to explain that further. If I have learned anything from She-Ra/Adora it's just a matter of learning how to hear the "fabulous secrets that are revealed" as she says in the opening of the show. Like her, we need to hear and channel the secrets of the Goddess that have been suppressed and hidden by taking the powers that hover beneath the surface and turning them into greatness. I think that believing my period makes me weak brings me to my knees and hog ties me...but I have a choice. I can be like She-Ra, and when the time comes for my transformation to take place, I can hold my sword above my head proudly instead of dragging it behind me like dead weight.
One of the episodes was called "battle for bright moon." Please reference the part about Moon Cycles above. Also "Moon" as in the moon salutations in yoga, allow us to honour the yin or feminine side of our energy. Coincidence? Pffft, nope.
Her name was Adora which means "gift, beloved and adored". She was the defender of the great Crystal Castle...(aka her vagina!) I mean come on it was a big complex fortress with an opening at the base with all kinds of fancy winglike folds - and a jewel in the centre!
I will tell you one thing, in a world full of phallic symbolism - the Crystal Castle sure ain't no penis.
Fabulous secrets were revealed to her the day she held her sword in front of a giant opening with teeth (the myth of vaginas having teeth dates back to Greek Mythology they believed that the vagina had dangerous hidden secrets, and that having sex with a woman would mean the risk of castration! Which really was about the fear of the power the vagina held over them, which if you think about it is a whole lot of power). In fact there are so many times over history where lies were told to try and down play the greatness of the vagina (many many times).
Aristotle, for example, believed that “a boy actually resembles a woman anatomically speaking and a woman is, so to speak, an infertile male. She is female because of a kind of inadequacy being unable to concoct semen from nourishment … owing to the coldness of her nature.”It's no wonder we have felt inferior. It was always about the fear of men feeling inferior so the tables got turned and instead we were lead to believe we were the ones who were lacking. My questions is - Why does anyone have to be inferior? It will always go back and forth until we learn that the feminine and masculine balance is an essential not only of life, but of each and every one of us. I would like to end on that note. Food for thought.
And finally, in closing, just take a moment to watch this:
*If this stirs something within you - please visit Yvonne Evans' website. She is now living in Kelowna and I am honoured to announced this beautiful author and world renowned speaker/coach will be speaking at an 'organic women's day retreat' event at Summerhill Pyramid Winery that I am holding in March (along with many other inspiring speakers) - please stay tuned for more details! Check out her work, books and upcoming events! You're welcome!!
With rich feminine love and gratitude,
Grace E.
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