While in a deep stretch this morning at "Easy yoga" (which means still hard in it's own way) I was thinking about how differently I have been feeling over the past two months. The before and after has started to become clear. It's like a great big ice block after the sun shines on it and melts it all away, leaving a beautiful shiny gold nugget.
Before I had the twins, before life got overwhelming, convoluted, complex and just plain old too much, I use to take a break, check out for a while - nap. Ahhhhh naps. Glorious little babies those are. But ever since the "Lollies" graced me with their presence, I had to push through whatever I was going through because no matter what, you are needed. You are always needed. Morning, night, everything in between and even at hours you only thought existed when you use to party. You can't eat when you want, you can't poop when you want - hell, you are lucky to even get a good wipe in.
I have been searching and complaining and having breakdowns for 4 years now. Wallowing in my own self-pity of how hard it is to be a mother, wondering how the hell this happened? Somedays, I think "why did I choose this when I suck at it so much!?!"...
I envisioned motherhood to be the most rewarding thing life could ever have to offer. And of course, this is where I say "and it is!". You bet, being mother is like nothing else, but sometimes I want to clock out. I wanna punch that time card in hear the click and walk off with my lunchbox (aka a suitcase filled with wine, chocolate, epsome salts and other things too inappropriate to mention).
Now of course there are those times when we finally get to go out and kick up our heels with our girls, or go on a nice date with our men, but almost always there is a grand old price to pay afterwards of being even more exhausted than we already were. This is the part that just never seemed fair to me!? We work so hard then we need to play so hard, that whatever o'clock a.m. comes far too early. If booze is involved, for me, it can take me a week to recover mentally and emotionally.
Well ladies, (I assume only women are reading this) - that all started to change when I found yoga.
I always fought against the yoga movement. I didn't get why someone would take the 1 hour they could squeeze out of a day, to work out and go fiddly fart around with poses, breathing and postures. That seemed ridiculous to me! I wanted and needed to get my ass kicked at boot camp, get all my anger and frustration out!
Well now I understand. I understand that stepping on to that mat is transformative. It's like walking into a portal for me. The person I am when I step on to that mat is left there each and every time - and a slightly more dusted off version of me, full of new life and breath, walks off.
I know that pampering can mean many things - but typically means to go to the spa, get yur hair did, a massage or tootsies polished and painted. These things do feel lovely, but typically do not nourish the soul and mind. Pampering has taken on a new meaning for me now that has a lot more to do with personal time spent to get to know me and grow.
I didn't even know what I was looking for to be honest. I feel like I tripped over something that looked like a rock, something shiny caught my eye so I stopped to inspect it and discovered it was a precious stone....a diamond.
The gift of yoga keeps on giving long after I walk off my mat. It tucks itself away deep down in the depths of my heart stretching up to me in the moments I need it. It fills me up and satisfies me like nothing else ever has.
I use to look to food, booze and even medications. I felt so broken and beat up all the time. For the first time since becoming a mother, and perhaps ever in my life, I feel genuinely fulfilled. And the best part? I am doing the work. I am the master of my transformation. I didn't go and get touched up or filled up in a temporary way. I am spending time investing in myself - and my family ta boot! Bonus!
I have to say that at first I thought I didn't have the time and then I realized I didn't have a choice. If I was going to be a good mom, a loving partner, a happy friend and I knowledgeable compassionate financial advisor and coach, it all had to start with me. If I am empty and depleted, how can I possibly give to all these people in my life - especially the two little beings I brought into this world who fundamentally rely on me?
The great thing about where I am now, Oranj, is that they have childcare. The other great part is that they have teachers like Laura Martini, Shauna Nyrose and Tamara Logan. Compassionate women who understand that at the root of all happiness and contentment lies a responsibility to nourish thy self. I know each place you go will have it's pros and cons, but I just needed to take a moment to honour the wonderful people who have facilitated this journey for me - especially Danny who has been extremely supportive of my yoga practice.
The hour I get on my mat is so full of introspection, reflection, love, compassion and observation that I feel like I have been to the best counseling session of my life (and believe me I have seen a few counselors in my short time on this earth). Sometimes what I will get from my practice is not immediate. Some classes I am off balance and I can feel my mental instability waver through my body, causing me to fall over repeatedly. I know in those moments I need to get slower, more compassionate and listen to what my body is trying to tell me that perhaps my brain or heart can only convey to through my movements.
I feel an overall greater sense of compassion towards myself and therefore others. I never knew how much tension I was holding in my body - past and present. I feel self-judgement snaking itself into my being and turning up, rearing it's ugly 10 heads, as tension. Tension for me was the inability to relax and be at ease with myself (essentially accept myself) showing me that my constant desire to be better, or more like that woman over there, was ever nipping at my heals. When I would go through something I wouldn't take the time to process it, I would just store it as tension in my body, creating so much pain, discomfort and inflexibility. Ahhh, inflexibility - this is a key word for me and it shows up in so many ways in my life ie. being angry or disagreeing with other's ways of doing things, not wanting to compromise or "give in". The grand desire to BE RIGHT...
Yoga holds up the mirror of my life so that I may see in my minds eye what I need to do to heal. Nourishing myself allows me to become more flexible, and let me tell you, in every sense of the word flexibility is a beautiful thing. It allows you to push past so many limitations that you thought were true, to suddenly realize it was some bullshit lie you kept telling yourself.
When I am feeling a breakdown coming on, and yes they still do happen, I can understand with clarity why and what lead me to where I am and I am much quicker to react towards what I need to do in order to go through the process of allowing, surrendering and releasing. Most of the time I have starved myself in some way shape or form. I use to look outward for who and what could have done this to me. That is resentment in it's finest form and it'll kill you just like poison.
I go to yoga because I love myself enough to be the woman I was meant to be. A strong, positive and compassionate source for myself and others.
I am always down for a yoga date, especially because Oranj is a safe loving environment for my kiddies and they love to go there. So hit me up ladies!
Thank you to everyone who has helped open my eyes and heart to all that yoga has to offer. I am infinitely grateful.
P.S. Kelli Prieur, if you read this I have made a commitment to myself (and Angela Deighan) to come to one of your retreats!
Before I had the twins, before life got overwhelming, convoluted, complex and just plain old too much, I use to take a break, check out for a while - nap. Ahhhhh naps. Glorious little babies those are. But ever since the "Lollies" graced me with their presence, I had to push through whatever I was going through because no matter what, you are needed. You are always needed. Morning, night, everything in between and even at hours you only thought existed when you use to party. You can't eat when you want, you can't poop when you want - hell, you are lucky to even get a good wipe in.
I have been searching and complaining and having breakdowns for 4 years now. Wallowing in my own self-pity of how hard it is to be a mother, wondering how the hell this happened? Somedays, I think "why did I choose this when I suck at it so much!?!"...
I envisioned motherhood to be the most rewarding thing life could ever have to offer. And of course, this is where I say "and it is!". You bet, being mother is like nothing else, but sometimes I want to clock out. I wanna punch that time card in hear the click and walk off with my lunchbox (aka a suitcase filled with wine, chocolate, epsome salts and other things too inappropriate to mention).
Now of course there are those times when we finally get to go out and kick up our heels with our girls, or go on a nice date with our men, but almost always there is a grand old price to pay afterwards of being even more exhausted than we already were. This is the part that just never seemed fair to me!? We work so hard then we need to play so hard, that whatever o'clock a.m. comes far too early. If booze is involved, for me, it can take me a week to recover mentally and emotionally.
Well ladies, (I assume only women are reading this) - that all started to change when I found yoga.
I always fought against the yoga movement. I didn't get why someone would take the 1 hour they could squeeze out of a day, to work out and go fiddly fart around with poses, breathing and postures. That seemed ridiculous to me! I wanted and needed to get my ass kicked at boot camp, get all my anger and frustration out!
Well now I understand. I understand that stepping on to that mat is transformative. It's like walking into a portal for me. The person I am when I step on to that mat is left there each and every time - and a slightly more dusted off version of me, full of new life and breath, walks off.
I know that pampering can mean many things - but typically means to go to the spa, get yur hair did, a massage or tootsies polished and painted. These things do feel lovely, but typically do not nourish the soul and mind. Pampering has taken on a new meaning for me now that has a lot more to do with personal time spent to get to know me and grow.
I didn't even know what I was looking for to be honest. I feel like I tripped over something that looked like a rock, something shiny caught my eye so I stopped to inspect it and discovered it was a precious stone....a diamond.
The gift of yoga keeps on giving long after I walk off my mat. It tucks itself away deep down in the depths of my heart stretching up to me in the moments I need it. It fills me up and satisfies me like nothing else ever has.
I use to look to food, booze and even medications. I felt so broken and beat up all the time. For the first time since becoming a mother, and perhaps ever in my life, I feel genuinely fulfilled. And the best part? I am doing the work. I am the master of my transformation. I didn't go and get touched up or filled up in a temporary way. I am spending time investing in myself - and my family ta boot! Bonus!
I have to say that at first I thought I didn't have the time and then I realized I didn't have a choice. If I was going to be a good mom, a loving partner, a happy friend and I knowledgeable compassionate financial advisor and coach, it all had to start with me. If I am empty and depleted, how can I possibly give to all these people in my life - especially the two little beings I brought into this world who fundamentally rely on me?
The great thing about where I am now, Oranj, is that they have childcare. The other great part is that they have teachers like Laura Martini, Shauna Nyrose and Tamara Logan. Compassionate women who understand that at the root of all happiness and contentment lies a responsibility to nourish thy self. I know each place you go will have it's pros and cons, but I just needed to take a moment to honour the wonderful people who have facilitated this journey for me - especially Danny who has been extremely supportive of my yoga practice.
The hour I get on my mat is so full of introspection, reflection, love, compassion and observation that I feel like I have been to the best counseling session of my life (and believe me I have seen a few counselors in my short time on this earth). Sometimes what I will get from my practice is not immediate. Some classes I am off balance and I can feel my mental instability waver through my body, causing me to fall over repeatedly. I know in those moments I need to get slower, more compassionate and listen to what my body is trying to tell me that perhaps my brain or heart can only convey to through my movements.
I feel an overall greater sense of compassion towards myself and therefore others. I never knew how much tension I was holding in my body - past and present. I feel self-judgement snaking itself into my being and turning up, rearing it's ugly 10 heads, as tension. Tension for me was the inability to relax and be at ease with myself (essentially accept myself) showing me that my constant desire to be better, or more like that woman over there, was ever nipping at my heals. When I would go through something I wouldn't take the time to process it, I would just store it as tension in my body, creating so much pain, discomfort and inflexibility. Ahhh, inflexibility - this is a key word for me and it shows up in so many ways in my life ie. being angry or disagreeing with other's ways of doing things, not wanting to compromise or "give in". The grand desire to BE RIGHT...
Yoga holds up the mirror of my life so that I may see in my minds eye what I need to do to heal. Nourishing myself allows me to become more flexible, and let me tell you, in every sense of the word flexibility is a beautiful thing. It allows you to push past so many limitations that you thought were true, to suddenly realize it was some bullshit lie you kept telling yourself.
When I am feeling a breakdown coming on, and yes they still do happen, I can understand with clarity why and what lead me to where I am and I am much quicker to react towards what I need to do in order to go through the process of allowing, surrendering and releasing. Most of the time I have starved myself in some way shape or form. I use to look outward for who and what could have done this to me. That is resentment in it's finest form and it'll kill you just like poison.
I go to yoga because I love myself enough to be the woman I was meant to be. A strong, positive and compassionate source for myself and others.
I am always down for a yoga date, especially because Oranj is a safe loving environment for my kiddies and they love to go there. So hit me up ladies!
Thank you to everyone who has helped open my eyes and heart to all that yoga has to offer. I am infinitely grateful.
P.S. Kelli Prieur, if you read this I have made a commitment to myself (and Angela Deighan) to come to one of your retreats!
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