I wasn't going to write about yoga today, but something happened that I couldn't not share. Also, I realized that as much as I love sharing this blog with everyone, I really write it for my own personal growth. So here it goes.
It's Saturday. Saturdays I always go to Laura's power yoga at 1030am. Rain or shine or snow. It's kind of my one regular class that I will do everything not to miss. I realized that I have been using Saturday class as a check point, or reference point for where I am at in terms of growth, both in my yoga practice and personal growth (which of course is the same thing) from week to week.
OK so where was I - right, it's Saturday and I go to power yoga. I'm not just happy to be there I am elated. I am really loving this new flexibility I have found and I just get to pumped to see what body and mind bending poses Laura's going to push us through today. I brought some tea and went early. I sipped my yerba mate mint mocha tea and started to stretch and move about saying "hello" to all my tight spots, smiling away at people coming in basking in the lovely energy (foreshadowing).
Then I look over in the doorway at someone coming in and my heart hits the pit of my stomach and then slams back up into the roof of my mouth, shattering.
It's her.
Someone I use to call a friend, who drank too much one night and made a pretty aggressive pass at my baby-daddy a little over a year ago.
I could hear the words he had repeated to me "No one will know. You know you want to." I shuddered. Literally.
I haven't seen her since Danny told me about the incident so I didn't expect the reaction I was having. It really didn't bother me that much when he told me. I wrote her off as a friend but I didn't feel jealous or worried. My breath got really hasty and I suddenly felt itchy all over. Who knew your body could tense up that fast?
Initially, I wanted to role up my mat and say eff this business. Then, I calmed down enough to have a little inside chat with myself that I can't let other people dictate my practice. That calmness lasted about 2 seconds.
The worst feeling was that I had no idea I hated her. If you'd ask me 5 minutes before I would have said I didn't have beef with anyone on the face of this planet.
I was shocked at the fact that there existed a person that could walk into my little yoga sanctuary and royally mess with it.
I was mad. I was mad at her for doing what she did and I was mad she was here now, infiltrating this place I love and I was mad that I was mad.
We all moved into table. I could already feel that this was going to be a very challenging practice for me unless I could move beyond it. What I didn't realize was that you have to move through it to move beyond it. This is the most interesting part of yoga, for me, that whatever you are going through comes out on your mat. You can't run and you certainly can't hide. I was determined to be strong, but I felt so weak inside.
I noticed after a few postures that I was showing off. For who? Well for my arch nemesis of course. I needed to show her up, let her know I was queen of this yoga class or world or my man - I don't know. (This is obviously funny now looking back but shit, I was serious).
I was also having conversations (or telling offs) with her in my head, rehearsing the outburst that seemed eminent. I kept envisioning myself peeking down the row through the legs of the person in between us and catching her eye and doing the two finger point from my eyes to hers - you know the one. At one point I could picture myself leaning forward and looking down and yelling "Hey! Remember when you tried to sleep with my man?". I actually was rationalizing crazy. I can't even tell you how close I was because it's embarrassing as hell. Note: You are remembering that I am in a yoga class here right?
After some of those God-forsaking dandas (or something)- Indian/Hindu pushups? Also known as a form of mental and physical torture...we stood up and brought our hands to heart centre, while Laura said "Take a moment to notice what has changed or shifted for you here." I really wanted to feel the anger dispersing but I couldn't honestly say that it had. It pretty much felt more intense...
And then, at the end of class the most amazing thing happened. As we laid in savasana, I could feel what Laura was about to say before she even started to speak (at the end of each class Laura reads, tells a story or a quote that is always deeply profound to ponder) I knew what she was going to say (not word for word of course but the general theme).
I wish I could quote her directly, but I do know it started with "We are all interconnected. This essentially means we are One." She went on to speak about hate and how as this was the weekend of Remembrance we could remember that war is started from holding hate in our hearts and is the absence of compassion.
I started to cry.
Sometimes (which really means all the time) we are in situations where we cannot control the energy around us. All we can do is choose how we are going to feel towards ourselves and others.
I know that it's only in the absence of love that fear/hatred can exists. I also know now that my fear was that even though Danny had not taken her up on her offer that night - he very well could have.
I fear that I am not good enough, or that one day I won't be enough for him anymore. My fear caused me to hate her for what she had done. If I loved myself and knew that I was enough I would be able to feel compassion towards her for whatever she was going through that caused her to make a move on her friend's man.
I am happy to say although I didn't make an effort to say hello, that I found a little speck of forgiveness for her and for myself, and didn't kick her over on the way out of class :)
I did run like hell and shovel my kids out the door faster than the speed of light because I still didn't want to make eye contact, but I was able to let go of the hate, the judgement and the fear.
It's funny because buried situations never ever stay buried. If it's not dealt with and love isn't the final conclusion - it will rise up from the depths and smack you in the face. Even in the place you feel safest, you cannot hide.
It was a powerful experience for me today. To be able to work through such a strong negative emotion in my mind, body and heart all at once. I am so grateful for the security breach. I feel even more like a warrior (1, 2 or 3). My inner goddess smiled at big compassionate smile and I am infinitely grateful.
P.S. I really love that Laura Martini reads my mind without ever knowing it!
It's Saturday. Saturdays I always go to Laura's power yoga at 1030am. Rain or shine or snow. It's kind of my one regular class that I will do everything not to miss. I realized that I have been using Saturday class as a check point, or reference point for where I am at in terms of growth, both in my yoga practice and personal growth (which of course is the same thing) from week to week.
OK so where was I - right, it's Saturday and I go to power yoga. I'm not just happy to be there I am elated. I am really loving this new flexibility I have found and I just get to pumped to see what body and mind bending poses Laura's going to push us through today. I brought some tea and went early. I sipped my yerba mate mint mocha tea and started to stretch and move about saying "hello" to all my tight spots, smiling away at people coming in basking in the lovely energy (foreshadowing).
Then I look over in the doorway at someone coming in and my heart hits the pit of my stomach and then slams back up into the roof of my mouth, shattering.
It's her.
Someone I use to call a friend, who drank too much one night and made a pretty aggressive pass at my baby-daddy a little over a year ago.
I could hear the words he had repeated to me "No one will know. You know you want to." I shuddered. Literally.
I haven't seen her since Danny told me about the incident so I didn't expect the reaction I was having. It really didn't bother me that much when he told me. I wrote her off as a friend but I didn't feel jealous or worried. My breath got really hasty and I suddenly felt itchy all over. Who knew your body could tense up that fast?
Initially, I wanted to role up my mat and say eff this business. Then, I calmed down enough to have a little inside chat with myself that I can't let other people dictate my practice. That calmness lasted about 2 seconds.
The worst feeling was that I had no idea I hated her. If you'd ask me 5 minutes before I would have said I didn't have beef with anyone on the face of this planet.
I was shocked at the fact that there existed a person that could walk into my little yoga sanctuary and royally mess with it.
I was mad. I was mad at her for doing what she did and I was mad she was here now, infiltrating this place I love and I was mad that I was mad.
We all moved into table. I could already feel that this was going to be a very challenging practice for me unless I could move beyond it. What I didn't realize was that you have to move through it to move beyond it. This is the most interesting part of yoga, for me, that whatever you are going through comes out on your mat. You can't run and you certainly can't hide. I was determined to be strong, but I felt so weak inside.
I noticed after a few postures that I was showing off. For who? Well for my arch nemesis of course. I needed to show her up, let her know I was queen of this yoga class or world or my man - I don't know. (This is obviously funny now looking back but shit, I was serious).
I was also having conversations (or telling offs) with her in my head, rehearsing the outburst that seemed eminent. I kept envisioning myself peeking down the row through the legs of the person in between us and catching her eye and doing the two finger point from my eyes to hers - you know the one. At one point I could picture myself leaning forward and looking down and yelling "Hey! Remember when you tried to sleep with my man?". I actually was rationalizing crazy. I can't even tell you how close I was because it's embarrassing as hell. Note: You are remembering that I am in a yoga class here right?
After some of those God-forsaking dandas (or something)- Indian/Hindu pushups? Also known as a form of mental and physical torture...we stood up and brought our hands to heart centre, while Laura said "Take a moment to notice what has changed or shifted for you here." I really wanted to feel the anger dispersing but I couldn't honestly say that it had. It pretty much felt more intense...
And then, at the end of class the most amazing thing happened. As we laid in savasana, I could feel what Laura was about to say before she even started to speak (at the end of each class Laura reads, tells a story or a quote that is always deeply profound to ponder) I knew what she was going to say (not word for word of course but the general theme).
I wish I could quote her directly, but I do know it started with "We are all interconnected. This essentially means we are One." She went on to speak about hate and how as this was the weekend of Remembrance we could remember that war is started from holding hate in our hearts and is the absence of compassion.
I started to cry.
Sometimes (which really means all the time) we are in situations where we cannot control the energy around us. All we can do is choose how we are going to feel towards ourselves and others.
I know that it's only in the absence of love that fear/hatred can exists. I also know now that my fear was that even though Danny had not taken her up on her offer that night - he very well could have.
I fear that I am not good enough, or that one day I won't be enough for him anymore. My fear caused me to hate her for what she had done. If I loved myself and knew that I was enough I would be able to feel compassion towards her for whatever she was going through that caused her to make a move on her friend's man.
I am happy to say although I didn't make an effort to say hello, that I found a little speck of forgiveness for her and for myself, and didn't kick her over on the way out of class :)
I did run like hell and shovel my kids out the door faster than the speed of light because I still didn't want to make eye contact, but I was able to let go of the hate, the judgement and the fear.
It's funny because buried situations never ever stay buried. If it's not dealt with and love isn't the final conclusion - it will rise up from the depths and smack you in the face. Even in the place you feel safest, you cannot hide.
It was a powerful experience for me today. To be able to work through such a strong negative emotion in my mind, body and heart all at once. I am so grateful for the security breach. I feel even more like a warrior (1, 2 or 3). My inner goddess smiled at big compassionate smile and I am infinitely grateful.
P.S. I really love that Laura Martini reads my mind without ever knowing it!
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