A very dear friend of mine and I met today with similar long faces. Each of these two faces were those of a long gruesome night of no sleep. We each had our reasons, similar yet different. As we listened and shared we realized that we had both been the victims of expectations.
Throughout our lives we have expectations both detectable and undetectable. Sometimes we are well aware of our expectations - we state them proudly with assertiveness for all to hear and adhere to. Other times, they float around us invisibly with a coy sense of cockiness, slowly binding us.
There are many things in our lives we say we will surely do and surely won't do.
I remember before I had the twins I use to see moms in the grocery store losing their patience uttering the words "Because I said so." I vowed to myself to never say this to my children but to always give them full answers to their whys!
HA! What the hell did I know?! Obviously nothing about children and certainly not that "whys" are infinite bottomless pits of insatiable hunger. After my kids have asked 'why' somewhere between 5-17 times I usually give them some rendition of "because I am the boss and what I say goes". Now if you are reading this and you don't have children, I complete understand if you pass judgement here.
I promised my unborn children that I would always listen attentively and be Bill Nye the Science Guy at every opportunity! Many times after endlessly chatting with my highly curious 4 year olds for 12 hours, I think I black out and come to, only to realized that Oliver has grown so tired of saying "mom, mommy, momma, Grace" over and over again that he finally just starts screaming bloody murder. Attentive parent fail.
So, along with the "I will nevers" there are so many "I wills".
I will be the best mom ever. (Whatever that means?)
I will rise above the sleep deprivation and be cheerful always.
I will always hopenly (combination of open and honest) communicate with my spouse.
I will give without abandon.
I will put others first.
I will have the body of a model.
Ok so most of these are just plain old stupid now that I look at them, but as I have mentioned before - noticing is the minds greatest healer. We anticipate these huge results and when circumstance lead to events that are way beyond our control, or we have to take a detour, or we cannot achieve what we set out to do, we blame ourselves to no end.
The main problem with expectations is when they don't happen the way we anticipate we tend to carry this heavy debilitating load for far too long. We beat ourselves up when we eff up - which in my own personal experience, is far worse than the perceived offence in the first place. The "offence" is in the past, what we do with it after that can go on for years, decades and lifetimes.
If you don't mind, there is a really great story in one of the kids books called "Zen shorts" that goes like this:
"A Heavy Load"
Two traveling monks reached a town where there was a young woman waiting to step out of her sedan chair. The rains had made deep puddles and she couldn't step across without spoiling her silken robes. She stood there, looking very cross and impatient. She was scolding her attendants. They had no where to place the packages they held for her, so they couldn't help he across the puddle. The younger monk noticed the woman, said nothing, and walked by. The older monk quickly picked her up and put her on his back, transported her across the water, and put her down on the other side. She didn't thank the older monk, she just shoved him out of the way and departed.
As they continued on their way, the young monk was brooding and preoccupied.
After several hours, unable to hold his silence, he spoke out.
"That woman back there was very selfish and rude but you picked her up on your back and carried her! Then she didn't even thank you!"
"I set the woman down hours ago," the older monk replied. "why aren you still carrying her?"
I have looked at other people and judged based on my inexperience and blind expectations.
I thought "I will never be like that person."
And what do you know? I turned the heat up too high and I got burned. I have done things because I wanted to gain something in return - love, friendship, status or respect. I have always struggled with letting go of the expected return on my invested action.
I think we are conditioned from an early age to have expectations. These are not to be confused with dreams or even goals. This is the playing out of how things are going to go before the gun even goes off.
Tonight at yoga (you were waiting for a yoga reference weren'tcha?) Shauna so perfectly said "When we let go of expectations, we release the possibility for all pain and suffering".
Well ain't that the truth right there?
We expect so much of ourselves that we forget we are human. And in my opinion because our self-expecations are sky high, our expectations of others follow suite. Granted, most of these invisible expectations others never know about because we somehow believe that these grande expectations we have built up over our lives are obvious to those closest to us. Not only that, but often they are such big shoes to fill that no one can possibly reach the impossible heights we set.
There is a song a song by Mewithoutyou called "In a Sweater Poorly Knit" and a line that goes "The trap I set for you seems to have caught my leg instead" I have always been drawn to this sentence. To me it's so perfectly describes the trap that is expectations.
(Wow I have broken a record for the number of times "expectations" was used in one post.)
Much of our resentment lies in the aftermath of expectations. A large majority of the time we are lacking essential self-care and nourishment and looking in all the wrong places.
If only he would do this for me...
If only my children would listen to me...
If only my friends cared more...
Expectations are not broken promises, they are empty promises that never had a hope in hell of seeing fruition. They hold us back from going to wherever we were meant to go, and often the true beauty or lesson passes us by because it's not what we were looking for, and it goes unnoticed.
I am not the parent that I thought I would be, but when I stop and take a look at who I have become and who I allow my children to shape me into I realize that it's way better than I ever could have hoped. Once I stopped shoving and cramming myself into this box I had created and just let myself be moulded bit by bit, experience by experience increasingly feel so much more peace. It's like making an outfit for someone without taking any measurements and just hoping it fits. We can never know where our lives are going to take us. Getting in the boat, letting go and going with the stream is what it's all about.
Once we can learn to let go of our illusions of grandeur, we can start to go into each situation with the carefree innocence and optimism of a beginner.
So today I let go. I let go of who I thought I was going to be just as my 30'th birthday rounds the corner and embrace the beauty of this imperfect life I call my own. It's better than any damn imaginary expectation I could have come up with!
Throughout our lives we have expectations both detectable and undetectable. Sometimes we are well aware of our expectations - we state them proudly with assertiveness for all to hear and adhere to. Other times, they float around us invisibly with a coy sense of cockiness, slowly binding us.
There are many things in our lives we say we will surely do and surely won't do.
I remember before I had the twins I use to see moms in the grocery store losing their patience uttering the words "Because I said so." I vowed to myself to never say this to my children but to always give them full answers to their whys!
HA! What the hell did I know?! Obviously nothing about children and certainly not that "whys" are infinite bottomless pits of insatiable hunger. After my kids have asked 'why' somewhere between 5-17 times I usually give them some rendition of "because I am the boss and what I say goes". Now if you are reading this and you don't have children, I complete understand if you pass judgement here.
I promised my unborn children that I would always listen attentively and be Bill Nye the Science Guy at every opportunity! Many times after endlessly chatting with my highly curious 4 year olds for 12 hours, I think I black out and come to, only to realized that Oliver has grown so tired of saying "mom, mommy, momma, Grace" over and over again that he finally just starts screaming bloody murder. Attentive parent fail.
So, along with the "I will nevers" there are so many "I wills".
I will be the best mom ever. (Whatever that means?)
I will rise above the sleep deprivation and be cheerful always.
I will always hopenly (combination of open and honest) communicate with my spouse.
I will give without abandon.
I will put others first.
I will have the body of a model.
Ok so most of these are just plain old stupid now that I look at them, but as I have mentioned before - noticing is the minds greatest healer. We anticipate these huge results and when circumstance lead to events that are way beyond our control, or we have to take a detour, or we cannot achieve what we set out to do, we blame ourselves to no end.
The main problem with expectations is when they don't happen the way we anticipate we tend to carry this heavy debilitating load for far too long. We beat ourselves up when we eff up - which in my own personal experience, is far worse than the perceived offence in the first place. The "offence" is in the past, what we do with it after that can go on for years, decades and lifetimes.
If you don't mind, there is a really great story in one of the kids books called "Zen shorts" that goes like this:
"A Heavy Load"
Two traveling monks reached a town where there was a young woman waiting to step out of her sedan chair. The rains had made deep puddles and she couldn't step across without spoiling her silken robes. She stood there, looking very cross and impatient. She was scolding her attendants. They had no where to place the packages they held for her, so they couldn't help he across the puddle. The younger monk noticed the woman, said nothing, and walked by. The older monk quickly picked her up and put her on his back, transported her across the water, and put her down on the other side. She didn't thank the older monk, she just shoved him out of the way and departed.
As they continued on their way, the young monk was brooding and preoccupied.
After several hours, unable to hold his silence, he spoke out.
"That woman back there was very selfish and rude but you picked her up on your back and carried her! Then she didn't even thank you!"
"I set the woman down hours ago," the older monk replied. "why aren you still carrying her?"
I have looked at other people and judged based on my inexperience and blind expectations.
I thought "I will never be like that person."
And what do you know? I turned the heat up too high and I got burned. I have done things because I wanted to gain something in return - love, friendship, status or respect. I have always struggled with letting go of the expected return on my invested action.
I think we are conditioned from an early age to have expectations. These are not to be confused with dreams or even goals. This is the playing out of how things are going to go before the gun even goes off.
Tonight at yoga (you were waiting for a yoga reference weren'tcha?) Shauna so perfectly said "When we let go of expectations, we release the possibility for all pain and suffering".
Well ain't that the truth right there?
We expect so much of ourselves that we forget we are human. And in my opinion because our self-expecations are sky high, our expectations of others follow suite. Granted, most of these invisible expectations others never know about because we somehow believe that these grande expectations we have built up over our lives are obvious to those closest to us. Not only that, but often they are such big shoes to fill that no one can possibly reach the impossible heights we set.
There is a song a song by Mewithoutyou called "In a Sweater Poorly Knit" and a line that goes "The trap I set for you seems to have caught my leg instead" I have always been drawn to this sentence. To me it's so perfectly describes the trap that is expectations.
(Wow I have broken a record for the number of times "expectations" was used in one post.)
Much of our resentment lies in the aftermath of expectations. A large majority of the time we are lacking essential self-care and nourishment and looking in all the wrong places.
If only he would do this for me...
If only my children would listen to me...
If only my friends cared more...
Expectations are not broken promises, they are empty promises that never had a hope in hell of seeing fruition. They hold us back from going to wherever we were meant to go, and often the true beauty or lesson passes us by because it's not what we were looking for, and it goes unnoticed.
I am not the parent that I thought I would be, but when I stop and take a look at who I have become and who I allow my children to shape me into I realize that it's way better than I ever could have hoped. Once I stopped shoving and cramming myself into this box I had created and just let myself be moulded bit by bit, experience by experience increasingly feel so much more peace. It's like making an outfit for someone without taking any measurements and just hoping it fits. We can never know where our lives are going to take us. Getting in the boat, letting go and going with the stream is what it's all about.
Once we can learn to let go of our illusions of grandeur, we can start to go into each situation with the carefree innocence and optimism of a beginner.
So today I let go. I let go of who I thought I was going to be just as my 30'th birthday rounds the corner and embrace the beauty of this imperfect life I call my own. It's better than any damn imaginary expectation I could have come up with!
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