Journey to Mee-dom

This blog has brought up a lot of emotion for me and I had to take some time to work through it. During a very intense conversation with Danny, I came to realize that because I have always put other people first, I put myself last and I eat to recover. I eat because it is the only thing (I think) that I can control completely. By control I mean, whenever I want it, it's there. Whatever I want I can have. I can make bad decisions and beat myself up over it as much as I want. I have been abusing myself with food. This is a really hard realization to come to and once I realized it I almost went further into weight debt. I sunk a little deeper, just enough to scare myself. I saw some pictures of myself from a birthday party and didn't even recognize myself. I know that people say this all the time just before they start making change and I can see why now. I have been using it to be hurtful to myself. Mask what's really going on, and almost wear a disguise. Another way to look...

Since I have been sick for three weeks and then the kidney stone episode I have been trying to rest more - as I have said. However, this "resting" period has led to a great deal of "depresting" which is resting that leads to feeling depressed. This time of year is hard for me (and many other Canadians) as we transition into the GREY season. Little to no sunlight, especially here in Kelowna. It's so hard because we have an overdose of sunlight in the summer months here in K-town and then BOOM we get cut off like we didn't pay the power bill. There's no other way to put it, it sucks. I try to run from it, but it's like a dog chasing me, it only gets more angry and bites me in the ass. Many people refer to it as SAD, seasonal affective disorder. Some doctors actually prescribed anti-depressants through the winter months and then wean people off them when the sun starts to show it's face again. They did this with me all through high school all the wa...

This is going to be off the beaten blog path. I have discovered so much about myself through this blog. About people. About our our thoughts, and feelings. How language affects our beliefs. Think a thought long enough and hard enough, and it becomes reality. I have heard this so many times but I am realizing how true it is. Even if the thought starts out as a joke. Your brain can't tell the difference between true and false, and neither can our hearts. If we tell ourselves something over and over again - because others find it funny and because it allows us to laugh at something we are scared of or insecure about, we believe it'll take the pain away. Aux contraire. It only makes that fear turn into reality. I have had this belief that I'd "never be skinny". Whatever that means. Skinny comes in so many shapes and sizes. I took it so literally that even when I was "skinny" (for my body anyway) I still thought I wasn't. I was about to say "fat...

Side note: I am having a hard time getting back into exercise mode since being sick. I had built up such great momentum. Now I can feel the "I'm sick" excuse lingering, a little longer than it should. It's a fine line my friends. I also realized tonight when I was chatting with my sister, that when I'm sick if I don't feel like I'm getting the love and attention I "should" be getting, I seem to draw out the sickness, and hang on to it even longer. I also caught myself today looking at some pants that are much to big and keeping them "just incase". This doesn't make sense, it's like I'm PLANNING on getting even fatter? You know how when you have a goal you would write it out, or cut out a picture and pin it up on your wall? Well shoot, I don't want to be keeping fat-pants around to "grow" into!!! That's not a goal. So I threw them out, completely. See ya - wouldn't wanna be in ya...ever again! As much as...

So I'm still sick. I know, ridiculous. But I have lost 5 lbs, incase anyone is wondering yet. Which feels pretty good. It's just enough to give me a slight skip in my step. Which brings me to something I have been pondering since my first year of university. Apparently, there have been studies done on the approachability of people with rounder faces. People with round faces resemble that of babies, and therefore appear to be non-threatening and friendlier. If you take a look back through history, you will notice that many great comedians also in fact have round/fatter faces. John Candy, Chris Farley, John Pinette, Jonah Hill, Margaret Cho...even Will Ferrell had a little roundness at times. Let's examine this further. I don't think it's a big secret that one of the things I enjoy more than anything is making people laugh. I'll even let you in on a little secret - it's always been a dream of mine to do stand up. I would LOVE to be a stand up comedian! I have...

I'm sorry. I have had a rough week of sinus obnoxiousness. It started last Friday and I thought it was better by Sunday, so on Monday I went to hot yoga and that evening I just filled up. I actually thought my teeth were falling out of my head. The rest of the week has been painful to say the least. Rest and recovery. It's such a hard concept for me to grasp now-a-days. As a kid (and even still today if I were possible) I liked being sick because it meant attention. You require help and love from those healthy enough to provide it, and when they did you sure knew they loved you. It almost eliminated the fact that you were sick, all the love and attention. "Poor baby", "oh honey, let me get that for you". Well let me just say...this isn't the case when you're a mom. Who looks after mommies? Daddies have to work and if you are sick, likely your kids are sick too and that means that they probably got the daycare provider sick also - so here you are - s...

Pre-Blog note: Someone farted at hot yoga tonight. No one laughed or even said a word. No one yelled out "oops" or "sorry" even! I mean I know yoga is a serious practice, and farts happen no one should be ashamed... but come on, it was a fart! We were created to fart so that we can laugh. It hurt me inside to let a fart-laugh moment go by. This may offend people who don't find farts funny...I feel sorry for you. Luckily we weren't in this position... Before I begin, I'd like to say that I went in and bought new yoga/work out gear FINALLY. Just before class I went in to..dun dun dun...LULU LEMON. Ahhhh! Yes I did it, but I found something so perfect that it only took me 5 minutes and it was on sale! So win win. I felt so damn good I almost wore high heels into the class. I also may have strutted. Pants that I could pull up HIGH without a camel toe, to tuck in the twin-belly but so comfortably so the top wasn't rolling down over it the whole time, and ...