Side note: I am having a hard time getting back into exercise mode since being sick. I had built up such great momentum. Now I can feel the "I'm sick" excuse lingering, a little longer than it should. It's a fine line my friends. I also realized tonight when I was chatting with my sister, that when I'm sick if I don't feel like I'm getting the love and attention I "should" be getting, I seem to draw out the sickness, and hang on to it even longer.
Even when I'm in my underwear, looking in the mirror I'm like "yup ok, butt's doing pretty good, legs are getting back in shape check..." and then I look at my mid section and it's like something from a horror flic! I know I've said before that I should be proud of it, and I'm thankful for the reason WHY I have this mound of deflated water bed belly, but I still wonder if all positive thoughts, the exercise and healthy food choices in the world will change the way I feel about it - or the way it looks. I know that after having the twins - Lilly (8 lsb 10 oz at birth) and Ollie (7 lbs 10 oz) the skin stretched beyond repair and Danny understands that, but I can't seem get over it. I wanna feel as sexy as I did back in the days of dry-humping on the couch after school before my mom got home (I hope my dad doesn't read this one, and if he does SORRY DAD!) You know, before you even knew what "sexy" was - but you felt it. You knew you had it. You didn't even have to get undressed. A boy was just happy to nonchalantly pass his hand over your fully clothed boobies. Now, when I get undressed, I scurry across the room like some small animal that doesn't want to be hit with a broom, in order to avoid being accidentally seen by the man who loves me most (or worse, the confused looks my kids give me when they see my stomach). There is no amount of "honey I love you, and I love your body and that you carried our huge babies almost to term" that will make me feel better about the "messed up pile of dough that didn't rise". My kids think it's some kind of hilarious play-toy. If we are laying on the floor playing, without a doubt my son will come over and lift up my shirt and start kneading it and poking it and saying "belly-button" with a question mark at the end? He knows what a belly button is, but I know in his head he is thinking as he points at it - "sad face of an old man"?
I also caught myself today looking at some pants that are much to big and keeping them "just incase". This doesn't make sense, it's like I'm PLANNING on getting even fatter? You know how when you have a goal you would write it out, or cut out a picture and pin it up on your wall? Well shoot, I don't want to be keeping fat-pants around to "grow" into!!! That's not a goal. So I threw them out, completely. See ya - wouldn't wanna be in ya...ever again! As much as I am thankful for my body and happy to be where I am, I know that when I gain weight, it's because I am not eating what my body wants or needs...just to clarify.
Still, I'd like to lose all the extra skin on my belly. I think it's suffice to say that a stomach that resembles an elephants vagina is never going to feel very attractive. (You can only imagine)
Even when I'm in my underwear, looking in the mirror I'm like "yup ok, butt's doing pretty good, legs are getting back in shape check..." and then I look at my mid section and it's like something from a horror flic! I know I've said before that I should be proud of it, and I'm thankful for the reason WHY I have this mound of deflated water bed belly, but I still wonder if all positive thoughts, the exercise and healthy food choices in the world will change the way I feel about it - or the way it looks. I know that after having the twins - Lilly (8 lsb 10 oz at birth) and Ollie (7 lbs 10 oz) the skin stretched beyond repair and Danny understands that, but I can't seem get over it. I wanna feel as sexy as I did back in the days of dry-humping on the couch after school before my mom got home (I hope my dad doesn't read this one, and if he does SORRY DAD!) You know, before you even knew what "sexy" was - but you felt it. You knew you had it. You didn't even have to get undressed. A boy was just happy to nonchalantly pass his hand over your fully clothed boobies. Now, when I get undressed, I scurry across the room like some small animal that doesn't want to be hit with a broom, in order to avoid being accidentally seen by the man who loves me most (or worse, the confused looks my kids give me when they see my stomach). There is no amount of "honey I love you, and I love your body and that you carried our huge babies almost to term" that will make me feel better about the "messed up pile of dough that didn't rise". My kids think it's some kind of hilarious play-toy. If we are laying on the floor playing, without a doubt my son will come over and lift up my shirt and start kneading it and poking it and saying "belly-button" with a question mark at the end? He knows what a belly button is, but I know in his head he is thinking as he points at it - "sad face of an old man"?I feel sad when I see old pictures and I didn't even know what I had then. I mid-section that actually looked like a mid-section and not some unknown substance you could fall into and possible never come out. Is it possible for me to love this "ab"normal part of me? With all the sexy-ness on tv? With all the adds on plastic surgery? With all the sexy kelownaforia girls walking around? With all the women here in Kelowna who are 80 but look like 20 year old aliens? I've seen the surgeon, I know the procedure....put my ab wall back in place, remove all the skin by pulling down the very little amount of "un-harmed" skin to recover the surface and make me a new belly button. I know the cost and I know the recovery time. (Picture is not of me)
I feel selfish even thinking about it. When I set out on this "public journey" I promised to be honest so I had to write about it, because it's been on my mind a lot lately. Medical Service Plan of BC declined my claim because I wasn't a seriously obese woman who lost a ton of weight. They said it was my choice to have children...and so it was. I will never resent that my babies were big, but now I have a decision to make and either way I have to live with it, and feel good about all my reasons for doing it. Is it worth it? Can I love my body the way it is now? Do I deserve it? The fact remains, I am getting pretty tired of wondering if I should tuck it in, or leave it out.
Just incase you are wondering what it looks like now, I will post a picture that might help you imagine.
Wow Grace, I totally relate! I've had two kids, both over 8 lbs... but NOT at the same time!!! Kudos to you, lady. And may I say: That last pic just looks painful. As for what you should do about it, that's only a question you can answer. However, I'll say for me... if I could, I would! Without a doubt.
ReplyDeleteAnd if it makes you feel better, my belly looks like a smushy, raisin-faced old man who spent his whole life outside. Weathered. Disgusting.
And my children also play with it.
Hey Grace, I know the pain and confusion you feel toward your belly. I have the same feelings towards mine. I looked the same as your last picture but I was only carring one 9 lb child...she streched me beyond belief and because I am so short and had no more room for the baby to go I went straight out. Now like you I have a wavy mushy mess to contend with every day...should it be sucked in or just let out what to do? I would also love to take care of the extra skin that now looks like it is loosely attached to my body, however its not in the cards for now. So all I hope is that with a little hard work, cardio and determination that by next summer I might actually feel okay with wearing a bathing suite in public.
ReplyDeleteKeep up the hard work, I love the blog and appreciate your ever supportive friendship in this journey to transform our formerly baby making bodies into our already gorgeous selves...BELIEVE! Its my moto right now "BELIEVE!"
Cheers, H
I think it's really big of you to speak honestly about this Grace. I find it shocking that you recieved that response from MSP. Like, is it not an obese person's fault that they're obese?? Oh, right, it's the media's fault; all those yummy looking McDonalds ads made me do it... right. Well, the circle of life has been around a heck of a lot longer than the media, with an equally strong emphasis on carrying on the human population.
ReplyDeleteAnyways, I'm thinking you do deserve this Grace. You respect and love your body, and give it everything it needs; you should let it give back. That area is one that can easliy be covered; I wouldn't think that you'd undergo such a process to make others think you're hot or whatever. I know that it's for you. And if it brings you closer to complete self love; Im all for it. xoxo