Forgive-mess...

This blog has brought up a lot of emotion for me and I had to take some time to work through it. During a very intense conversation with Danny, I came to realize that because I have always put other people first, I put myself last and I eat to recover. I eat because it is the only thing (I think) that I can control completely. By control I mean, whenever I want it, it's there. Whatever I want I can have. I can make bad decisions and beat myself up over it as much as I want. I have been abusing myself with food.

This is a really hard realization to come to and once I realized it I almost went further into weight debt. I sunk a little deeper, just enough to scare myself. I saw some pictures of myself from a birthday party and didn't even recognize myself.

I know that people say this all the time just before they start making change and I can see why now. I have been using it to be hurtful to myself. Mask what's really going on, and almost wear a disguise. Another way to look at it is like a suit of added protection, I can't be hurt if I can just eat my emotions. I am hiding behind a bigger version of me.

This is pretty vulnerable to be writing in a blog and I needed to decide if it was what I wanted to share with everyone but after much thought I decided that I couldn't continue on my journey (with all of you) if I didn't take this big giant leap into honesty. I am ready to make myself a priority. Not just for the sake of looking good, or having a healthy body but because I can't punish myself for old beliefs anymore. There are so many vices, and they look different for everyone. Some people may identify with what I am saying directly - with food. Others may have alcohol, drug, smoking, shopping/spending, coffee, treats (of any sort) but all in all it's some snowball effect of an outside stimulus that is causing the bigger picture to deteriorate. All the exercise and good eating in the world can't change how I really feel about myself, and I don't believe change will come on the outside until it's realized and established on the inside. Call it cliche but there is a reason it's said over and over again.

I talked about eating being a short term gratification, but I don't even think it's that. It's a short term mean ass thing to do to oneself. I do it mostly when I am angry or feeling a loss of control. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be a good friend, mother, partner, financial advisor, daughter, sister. I want to speak my truth and stand up for what I believe in but I also think that when I do that I am making others feel bad/uncomfortable so I get mad at myself. It's a constant back and forth and it leaves me exhausted and empty. I love so deeply and care so passionately that at times I forget to nourish numero uno. Because of course, we are taught that that is selfish.

*I know that I am veering off the standard blog here (again) - normally I try to make jokes while eluding to the difficulty of loving our bodies, but the truth over the last two weeks has been weighing on me and I know that I want to share my word with the world - so here it is! If I can reach out to only one person and that person reach back and says "I am right there with you", then I have made a connection and a difference. Maybe that one person will reach out to the next and someday my grandchildren will read about how their grandmother was so brutally honest that she was able to help women/people see their worth.

Change isn't easy, but it's so very important and "faith is knowing in advance what will make sense in reverse". All this work I am doing on myself right now has been like being dragged behind a car some days but I know that I will make it out the other side with a great deal of love and understanding - not to mention forgiveness. I have not yet learned how to forgive myself fully, and I want to take a moment to just say that I now forgive myself for the self-abuse. Tomorrow is a new day. I am ready.