What a roller coaster the last 6 years have been for Danny and I.
I was madly in love with him from the moment I told him my favourite song was "I will Follow you into the dark" by Death Cab for Cutie, and he replied with "That's is my ringtone."
I knew right away.
He would later describe me as a "freight train", in reference to how overbearingly strong I came on. I wouldn't take no for an answer. We totally got off on the wrong foot and he avoided me at first. Even though my friends said "he's just not that into you" I pressed on, determined to reel him in.
I bought a car in 15 minutes one sunny Sunday afternoon so that I could pick him up for a date the next evening. That way he couldn't say no, I would just show up. I then proceeded to go and buy $200 worth of CD's of bands that I barely knew or liked because he had told me he was "into music". I remembered some musician specific shirts he had and bought some of their "greatest hits" because I had no idea which ones were the best. I clawed my way into his heart and guess what, it worked! Stalker success story. Ok it wasn't that bad, I knew there was something special there.
He moved in two weeks later.
The first year of our relationship was crazy. We partied hard. Harder than I am about to admit to you all here now. We lived pay cheque to pay cheque eating out for dinner every night, not caring about responsibility, working in a pub together. We fought hard, loved harder and laughed till our sides hurt. I showed him my ugliest, and he stayed up all night at the foot of the bed to make sure I was going to be ok. He wasn't afraid of my highs or my lows. He saw something in me I didn't see in myself. We had a whirlwind first year and I was head over heals. Just after our first anniversary I (not surprisingly and yet surprisingly at the same time), found out I was pregnant.
Being pregnant is no walk in the park and wesucked struggled our way through.
It was a rough year. I was off on mat leave by the time I had reached full term size, at about 5 months. I was huge and crankier than any old lady who is waiting at the door while you deliver her daily paper late. The arrival of the twins proved to be the biggest challenge of my life, and I will openly admit I was completely and utterly naive to what we were about to embark on.
Things really took a nasty turn when the kids were about 9 months old. We were both exhausted, burnt out and empty. Danny was working 2-3 three jobs, I hadn't slept and was (in total honesty) ready to kill someone. We grew further and further apart. I didn't know him, he didn't know me. Neither of us knew who we were anymore, together or apart.
The "I'm leaving" threats grew worse and worse, getting more and more serious and desperate. We had no fucking clue what we were doing. No one really ever teaches us how to communicate when the shit gets tough, or on little to no sleep + no personal time and zero self-care. Pffft self-care. When the kids were almost a year I had forgotten what taking care of yourself even meant, if I ever knew to begin with.
I was a mess.
He was a mess.
Let's fast forward a bit to 2010/2011. The end of 2010 and beginning of 2011 was by far our worst year together and it was very hard on our whole family.
It was our breaking point.
Do or die.
We needed to make a decision. Our friends and family were concerned. Everyone was constantly giving me those sympathetic glances when I would show up looking like I had been crying for days on end. No one had the answer, no one knew what to say. We were talking out separation details almost daily it seemed...
Our biggest issue has always been that we see things so differently, we aren't into the same things and we have different ideals. We work on personal growth in extensively contrasting ways. He's night, I'm day. He yin I'm yang. I thought this was a deal breaker and I thought the deal was broken. To me, he started to not know me, not get me anymore. We had grown apart.
January 2012 was a turning point for us.
Danny went to a friends for a couple of days and when he got back I didn't recognize him. He was devastated, I was devastated. We worked through it like a couple of toddler's bumping around in the dark. We talked, we yelled, we cried, we went to bed angry. We broke all the fair fighting rules and didn't care who's "love language" was what.
We both had some soul searching to do. Did we love ourselves? Could we give the other person what they needed?
The answer is no.
After all our treacherous searching we have come to realize that if you are not giving yourself what you need, no one will or can ever fill you up and make you whole.
I thought that Danny didn't get me. He thought I didn't get him. What I now know is that if I didn't get myself, how could I expect anyone else to respect and love me. If I didn't love myself, how was he ever going to?
This past year has been a journey for both of us. Finding ourselves (or at least on the path), realizing our differences and recognizing that is what balance truly means.
Love is not congruent with need. To need someone does not mean to love them. When I stopped needing Danny to give me the recognition/acceptance I wasn't giving myself I finally found that we could happily and harmoniously exist simultaneous. He does not make me whole - I am a whole person already (or in the process of becoming). We are two people who have made a commitment to live, love and raise Lilly and Oliver together.
We are very different - in many MANY ways but we do provide balance for one another. When he gives his opinion it is simply a reflection point for me. Something to ponder, accept as his, not mine. If I feel a tug of anger it's because I may need to absorb what he is saying and see it's worth. If I like it, well I have been given the gift of perspective from someone who loves me.
Balance is not easy but it sure as hell is a vital part to living towards our greatest potential.
Balance does not mean to sit on either end of the teeter totter at mid way, it means to throw each other up and down - smacking your ass hard on the way down.
Tonight at yoga when Shauna allowed us a moment to set our intention or dedication for our practice, I instantly heard "Danny" float through my awareness. I always go with my first thought - I figure it's there for a reason. It was loud and strong and I felt something move deep within me.
Some days I feel strong and energetic as I walk into class, and then surprisingly I can't get my balance for the life of me. I never seem to know where I am at until I step on that good old mat. I never seem to be able to predict what will be shown to me in my practice either. I had a really off day today so I naturally expected to be wobbling all over/off the mat. However, tonight at hot power flow (aka hard as balls, I might pass out or puke but this is fun!), after I dedicated my practice to Danny the one thing I felt strong in was my balance.
Suddenly it all became so clear to me.
I was being shown that he is my balance. When I focused on him, amazing things happened - postures I haven't been able to hold suddenly slid juicily into my experience.
We often think we know what we need. We think we need more of what we love, more of a similar perspectives, more of what we know, more of the same. We think we are strong sometimes when we are not and by the same token we also have more strength in us than we could ever imagine.
What I realized tonight was that in order to create balance (in our lives or in yoga) we need that opposition, that alternate grasp pulling us in the other direction. We need that yank into a new perspective, even though it nips at our heels annoyingly pushing us forward beyond our edge and comfort zone. Making us grind our teeth a little with angst and uncertainty, as we test and teeter to find our balance. I felt the balance that Danny creates for me in my heart throughout my whole practice tonight, reminding me that I sometimes I forget how important our disagreements and opposing sides can truly be.
Strength is balance. We need to be thrown a bit in order to stand stronger. We don't need to be in "Happy Good Time Land" all the time, and nor would we want to be. The day needs the night as much as the night needs the day.
Danny doesn't need to see things the way I do. I love him for how opposite his ways are to my ways, it let's me see things outside my box and the appreciation of this has opened up a whole new kind of love for me.
I wrote this post because my mission in this blog is to be real. I like to talk about the things we don't see at first glance or on facebook. I know all our pictures look so blissfully happy but the bottom line is that it's not always like that. I don't want to feed into the illusion that shit doesn't happen.
Shit happens. A lot. Shit hits fans and shit gets thrown around rooms (this happened once when Lilly and Oliver were 1 and they figured out how to get their diapers off...poop fight!)
I gathered the courage to publish this post because of my soul sister Kelli Prieur, who wrote this today:
"Despite all of the yoga, despite all of the teaching, despite being someone who writes about it and runs retreats based around it and basically weaves their entire life around the pursuit of happiness, I still haven’t 110% bagged it.
So here's to 6 tough but worthwhile years, and many many more!
I know the road ain't easy but damn it, I wouldn't wanna be climbing these treacherous mountains with anyone else.
I love you Danny-Pants. Thank you for showing me what balance really means.
Here's a painting I made for him last year:
"Even after all this time the sun never says to the earth 'you owe me'
Look what happens with a love like that, it lights up the whole sky."
~Hafiz
No, we're not married but we are certainly in love and I have never been so committed to anything or anyone in my whole life.
I was madly in love with him from the moment I told him my favourite song was "I will Follow you into the dark" by Death Cab for Cutie, and he replied with "That's is my ringtone."
I knew right away.
He would later describe me as a "freight train", in reference to how overbearingly strong I came on. I wouldn't take no for an answer. We totally got off on the wrong foot and he avoided me at first. Even though my friends said "he's just not that into you" I pressed on, determined to reel him in.
I bought a car in 15 minutes one sunny Sunday afternoon so that I could pick him up for a date the next evening. That way he couldn't say no, I would just show up. I then proceeded to go and buy $200 worth of CD's of bands that I barely knew or liked because he had told me he was "into music". I remembered some musician specific shirts he had and bought some of their "greatest hits" because I had no idea which ones were the best. I clawed my way into his heart and guess what, it worked! Stalker success story. Ok it wasn't that bad, I knew there was something special there.
He moved in two weeks later.
The first year of our relationship was crazy. We partied hard. Harder than I am about to admit to you all here now. We lived pay cheque to pay cheque eating out for dinner every night, not caring about responsibility, working in a pub together. We fought hard, loved harder and laughed till our sides hurt. I showed him my ugliest, and he stayed up all night at the foot of the bed to make sure I was going to be ok. He wasn't afraid of my highs or my lows. He saw something in me I didn't see in myself. We had a whirlwind first year and I was head over heals. Just after our first anniversary I (not surprisingly and yet surprisingly at the same time), found out I was pregnant.
Being pregnant is no walk in the park and we
It was a rough year. I was off on mat leave by the time I had reached full term size, at about 5 months. I was huge and crankier than any old lady who is waiting at the door while you deliver her daily paper late. The arrival of the twins proved to be the biggest challenge of my life, and I will openly admit I was completely and utterly naive to what we were about to embark on.
Things really took a nasty turn when the kids were about 9 months old. We were both exhausted, burnt out and empty. Danny was working 2-3 three jobs, I hadn't slept and was (in total honesty) ready to kill someone. We grew further and further apart. I didn't know him, he didn't know me. Neither of us knew who we were anymore, together or apart.
The "I'm leaving" threats grew worse and worse, getting more and more serious and desperate. We had no fucking clue what we were doing. No one really ever teaches us how to communicate when the shit gets tough, or on little to no sleep + no personal time and zero self-care. Pffft self-care. When the kids were almost a year I had forgotten what taking care of yourself even meant, if I ever knew to begin with.
I was a mess.
He was a mess.
Let's fast forward a bit to 2010/2011. The end of 2010 and beginning of 2011 was by far our worst year together and it was very hard on our whole family.
It was our breaking point.
Do or die.
We needed to make a decision. Our friends and family were concerned. Everyone was constantly giving me those sympathetic glances when I would show up looking like I had been crying for days on end. No one had the answer, no one knew what to say. We were talking out separation details almost daily it seemed...
Our biggest issue has always been that we see things so differently, we aren't into the same things and we have different ideals. We work on personal growth in extensively contrasting ways. He's night, I'm day. He yin I'm yang. I thought this was a deal breaker and I thought the deal was broken. To me, he started to not know me, not get me anymore. We had grown apart.
January 2012 was a turning point for us.
Danny went to a friends for a couple of days and when he got back I didn't recognize him. He was devastated, I was devastated. We worked through it like a couple of toddler's bumping around in the dark. We talked, we yelled, we cried, we went to bed angry. We broke all the fair fighting rules and didn't care who's "love language" was what.
We both had some soul searching to do. Did we love ourselves? Could we give the other person what they needed?
The answer is no.
After all our treacherous searching we have come to realize that if you are not giving yourself what you need, no one will or can ever fill you up and make you whole.
I thought that Danny didn't get me. He thought I didn't get him. What I now know is that if I didn't get myself, how could I expect anyone else to respect and love me. If I didn't love myself, how was he ever going to?
This past year has been a journey for both of us. Finding ourselves (or at least on the path), realizing our differences and recognizing that is what balance truly means.
Love is not congruent with need. To need someone does not mean to love them. When I stopped needing Danny to give me the recognition/acceptance I wasn't giving myself I finally found that we could happily and harmoniously exist simultaneous. He does not make me whole - I am a whole person already (or in the process of becoming). We are two people who have made a commitment to live, love and raise Lilly and Oliver together.
We are very different - in many MANY ways but we do provide balance for one another. When he gives his opinion it is simply a reflection point for me. Something to ponder, accept as his, not mine. If I feel a tug of anger it's because I may need to absorb what he is saying and see it's worth. If I like it, well I have been given the gift of perspective from someone who loves me.
Balance is not easy but it sure as hell is a vital part to living towards our greatest potential.
Balance does not mean to sit on either end of the teeter totter at mid way, it means to throw each other up and down - smacking your ass hard on the way down.
Tonight at yoga when Shauna allowed us a moment to set our intention or dedication for our practice, I instantly heard "Danny" float through my awareness. I always go with my first thought - I figure it's there for a reason. It was loud and strong and I felt something move deep within me.
Some days I feel strong and energetic as I walk into class, and then surprisingly I can't get my balance for the life of me. I never seem to know where I am at until I step on that good old mat. I never seem to be able to predict what will be shown to me in my practice either. I had a really off day today so I naturally expected to be wobbling all over/off the mat. However, tonight at hot power flow (aka hard as balls, I might pass out or puke but this is fun!), after I dedicated my practice to Danny the one thing I felt strong in was my balance.
Suddenly it all became so clear to me.
I was being shown that he is my balance. When I focused on him, amazing things happened - postures I haven't been able to hold suddenly slid juicily into my experience.
We often think we know what we need. We think we need more of what we love, more of a similar perspectives, more of what we know, more of the same. We think we are strong sometimes when we are not and by the same token we also have more strength in us than we could ever imagine.
What I realized tonight was that in order to create balance (in our lives or in yoga) we need that opposition, that alternate grasp pulling us in the other direction. We need that yank into a new perspective, even though it nips at our heels annoyingly pushing us forward beyond our edge and comfort zone. Making us grind our teeth a little with angst and uncertainty, as we test and teeter to find our balance. I felt the balance that Danny creates for me in my heart throughout my whole practice tonight, reminding me that I sometimes I forget how important our disagreements and opposing sides can truly be.
Strength is balance. We need to be thrown a bit in order to stand stronger. We don't need to be in "Happy Good Time Land" all the time, and nor would we want to be. The day needs the night as much as the night needs the day.
Danny doesn't need to see things the way I do. I love him for how opposite his ways are to my ways, it let's me see things outside my box and the appreciation of this has opened up a whole new kind of love for me.
I wrote this post because my mission in this blog is to be real. I like to talk about the things we don't see at first glance or on facebook. I know all our pictures look so blissfully happy but the bottom line is that it's not always like that. I don't want to feed into the illusion that shit doesn't happen.
Shit happens. A lot. Shit hits fans and shit gets thrown around rooms (this happened once when Lilly and Oliver were 1 and they figured out how to get their diapers off...poop fight!)
I gathered the courage to publish this post because of my soul sister Kelli Prieur, who wrote this today:
"Despite all of the yoga, despite all of the teaching, despite being someone who writes about it and runs retreats based around it and basically weaves their entire life around the pursuit of happiness, I still haven’t 110% bagged it.
I realize it’s challenging to read through the “I’m good/How are you’s,” and it’s hard to see through the thick fog of Facebook status updates full of gratitude declarations, inspiring quotes and a kazzilion happy snaps (we don’t call them happy snaps for nothing), but I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that most of us are in the same boat and it’s probably pretty normal to not be blissed out all of the time."
Here's her blog:
http://kellisheartglow.blogspot.ca/ and it's also on elephant journal! www.elephantjournal.com
I know the road ain't easy but damn it, I wouldn't wanna be climbing these treacherous mountains with anyone else.
I love you Danny-Pants. Thank you for showing me what balance really means.
Here's a painting I made for him last year:
Look what happens with a love like that, it lights up the whole sky."
~Hafiz
No, we're not married but we are certainly in love and I have never been so committed to anything or anyone in my whole life.
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