I've been on a mission, working my way through all the parts of my body that I don't like trying to love them. Big leap. Whatever reason I don't like them, I don't care anymore. When you make a wrong turn when you are driving it's just a waste of time to go back and find out where you went wrong. Just start going right. I just wanna connect with myself. I want to love it all. Sigh...why is so damn hard?
So after I stopped wearing makeup I started saying nice things to myself in the mirror. Then I had to stare my belly down in the mirror and I try to put my hand on it (in a non-creepy way) and say nice things to it too. Usually I can't get much further or specific than "thank you" or "I love you" but it's enough. In an effort to reconnect, or connect for the first time I should say, I stopped wearing my "gear" (the uncomfortable belly bands that tuck me in and flattened me out).
Tonight I was practicing headstand in my underwear. The worst underwear I might add. Those ones that are full backs but they only have a thin elastic around the sides and a small triangle in the front? You know they are the 5th pair you scrounge to try and get the deal when there is a sale at la Senza? Why I kept them I have no idea. You know what I mean though, those ones that just don't work but you just can't throw them out because you keep convincing yourself "someday, someday they will just magically change into comfortable underwear...". Small amount of self torture or the definition of insanity?
So I'm sitting in my undies and I look down at the tops of my legs and I decide not to look away like I normally do. I know what's about to happen but I can't stop it. I reach for my phone...and I start taking the most revealing pictures of the tops of my legs.
Back up here a sec: So over the years with my weight losses and gains plus the good ol' twin pregnancy I have quite the predominant stretch marks. They are long and wide and silvery. I have this damn dilemma every time I go looking for a bathing suit. I have to decide whether I am looking for a snowsuit or swimwear because I don't think swimwear is meant to cover everything. How can you wear a wetsuit if you don't have a surf board...I ask you this? I want some roushing in the tummy area to hide my gut, I want some boycut shorts to hide my stretch marks (and the days when I forget to shave my bikini line). I want it to give me enough support up top so that my shoulders don't give in on me while I'm carrying my boobs plus 9 million toys and chairs down to the waterfront. So many things to cover, not enough material...
My legs have been the hardest part of all the changes my body has gone through because they used to be my rock. They are by far the strongest area on my body and I have always relied on them no matter what kind of shape I am in. I have squatted 220 lbs dudes at parties to show people I am legitimately cool - that's cool right? I have always rocked the short dresses and never been afraid of a heel - but that all changed after I had my babies. The arch of my feet use to look like a rainbow and now it's more like a headband that got stepped on. Sorta kinda still has that arch but mostly just looks sad. I can't really wear heels and on top of that my lower back/hips just get angry if I wear anything other than slippers. Slap me in some "mom jeans" and call it a rap.
I don't want this to be long. I want to just say that I don't know why stretch marks have to be ugly. They are real and they are out there we just don't see 'em. A lot of women get them and there's little to nothing you can do about them.
So here are my stripes.
They are the road maps of where I have been, a reminder of some things beautiful and some things not so much. I earned them by being hard on myself and yo-yo dieting. I also earned some more of them by growing big ass babies (which I mention a lot I know). NO matter how big or small of a baby(s) you grew you did a damn good job and I urge you to wear your body with pride. It built a human!!! And if you got some from fighting with food, that's ok - most of us do.
"Love the one you're with" ~ Crosby, Stills and Nash
And by that I mean body, love body you are with. Right now in this moment look at something you don't like and say something nice. It's so freeing! If you are not ready, that's ok too - honour wherever you are.
You know what else is freeing? Walking around your own house in your underwear and not having to avoid the mirrors.
Peace out.
I hope this as accurate as possible
"I'll be up up and away, cause in the end they'll judge me anyway. So whatever." - Kid Kudi
So after I stopped wearing makeup I started saying nice things to myself in the mirror. Then I had to stare my belly down in the mirror and I try to put my hand on it (in a non-creepy way) and say nice things to it too. Usually I can't get much further or specific than "thank you" or "I love you" but it's enough. In an effort to reconnect, or connect for the first time I should say, I stopped wearing my "gear" (the uncomfortable belly bands that tuck me in and flattened me out).
Tonight I was practicing headstand in my underwear. The worst underwear I might add. Those ones that are full backs but they only have a thin elastic around the sides and a small triangle in the front? You know they are the 5th pair you scrounge to try and get the deal when there is a sale at la Senza? Why I kept them I have no idea. You know what I mean though, those ones that just don't work but you just can't throw them out because you keep convincing yourself "someday, someday they will just magically change into comfortable underwear...". Small amount of self torture or the definition of insanity?
So I'm sitting in my undies and I look down at the tops of my legs and I decide not to look away like I normally do. I know what's about to happen but I can't stop it. I reach for my phone...and I start taking the most revealing pictures of the tops of my legs.
Back up here a sec: So over the years with my weight losses and gains plus the good ol' twin pregnancy I have quite the predominant stretch marks. They are long and wide and silvery. I have this damn dilemma every time I go looking for a bathing suit. I have to decide whether I am looking for a snowsuit or swimwear because I don't think swimwear is meant to cover everything. How can you wear a wetsuit if you don't have a surf board...I ask you this? I want some roushing in the tummy area to hide my gut, I want some boycut shorts to hide my stretch marks (and the days when I forget to shave my bikini line). I want it to give me enough support up top so that my shoulders don't give in on me while I'm carrying my boobs plus 9 million toys and chairs down to the waterfront. So many things to cover, not enough material...
My legs have been the hardest part of all the changes my body has gone through because they used to be my rock. They are by far the strongest area on my body and I have always relied on them no matter what kind of shape I am in. I have squatted 220 lbs dudes at parties to show people I am legitimately cool - that's cool right? I have always rocked the short dresses and never been afraid of a heel - but that all changed after I had my babies. The arch of my feet use to look like a rainbow and now it's more like a headband that got stepped on. Sorta kinda still has that arch but mostly just looks sad. I can't really wear heels and on top of that my lower back/hips just get angry if I wear anything other than slippers. Slap me in some "mom jeans" and call it a rap.
I don't want this to be long. I want to just say that I don't know why stretch marks have to be ugly. They are real and they are out there we just don't see 'em. A lot of women get them and there's little to nothing you can do about them.
So here are my stripes.
They are the road maps of where I have been, a reminder of some things beautiful and some things not so much. I earned them by being hard on myself and yo-yo dieting. I also earned some more of them by growing big ass babies (which I mention a lot I know). NO matter how big or small of a baby(s) you grew you did a damn good job and I urge you to wear your body with pride. It built a human!!! And if you got some from fighting with food, that's ok - most of us do.
"Love the one you're with" ~ Crosby, Stills and Nash
And by that I mean body, love body you are with. Right now in this moment look at something you don't like and say something nice. It's so freeing! If you are not ready, that's ok too - honour wherever you are.
You know what else is freeing? Walking around your own house in your underwear and not having to avoid the mirrors.
Peace out.
I hope this as accurate as possible
I started to cry after I finished writing this and I said to my friend "I didn't realize how much emotion I held in these stretch marks." She said "What do they represent to you?" and I said "So much hardship. Being hard on myself and doing a hard thing growing my children." She replied "so they are kind of like scars in your battle to where you are now - scars from your battles I mean,
you wouldnt be the same if you didnt have them. "
There's a lot there, so I hope you go easy on me when you see see this.
Much love.
Grace E.
"I'll be up up and away, cause in the end they'll judge me anyway. So whatever." - Kid Kudi
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