Day 7 and the beginning of day 8.
I feel like I cheated yesterday because I had some cooked veggies! I was cold and I wanted something comforting so I cut up a yam, put some coconut oil in a pan and some Himalayan rock salt and ate it like it was a cupcake.
I had the same guilt that I would have had, had it been cupcakes! I felt like I had somehow let myself down. It tasted too good and I ate it until my belly hurt. It was quite eye opening. Who knew a yam could still provide space for addictive behaviour! Because I overextended my belly, I was so hungry when I went to bed that I had hunger pangs for the first time since day 1!
Today is day 8 and I feel pretty tired. I am wondering if I should start adding a meal in but I struggle to want to do that because again - I have a strong to desire to stick this out. I have enough fat stores that I "should" be able to do this much longer. I am wondering if my will is starting to dwindle a bit, or if the cold weather/winter blues is starting to affect my overall ambition. Sigh.
I did get some new items to blend yesterday - or rather Danny did - some fennel, limes, parsley, more mint, different apples, different pears, and the usual. Adding lime really gives it a fresh kick.
So far my fave is;
Fennel
Lime (I put a quarter of a lime in, rind and all)
A green pear
Kale
A little bit of water and orange juice
MY JUICER ARRIVED TODAY! The Omega J8004 Nutrition Center Commercial Masticating Juicer! Stay tuned to hear reviews on this! I am excited to juice for the first time for realz, ever.
So now I'm going to get real...
Ok, it's time to talk about my weight issues, or rather my attitude towards my body.
"The weight issues" are coming up a lot. I got on the scale twice yesterday. Ugh. Go away weight obsessions, fuck right off.
I have found that I have strange body image issues, a type of dysmorphia but in a very backwards kind of way. There are two different contradicting views of my body going on inside my head. There is this one where I am not happy with my body because I am too fat, and then this other one where I am in denial that I have gained 40 lbs (or whatever it is...) and think that "it's not that bad!"...It's like my mind is having an argument over my body like I'm a child -
First parent "She really needs to lose some weight, look how much she has gained, it's not healthy!" Second parent "She's fine, she looks very healthy, she needs some meat on her bones, it's cold out there! Nothing wrong with a woman having curves!"....
I am feeling happy and yet very uncomfortable with the weight loss. It feels very vulnerable and naked in some areas. I want the weight to just go, but I am also finding that a bit scary. You know how some personal development books and authors talk about how we put fat on for emotional protection? Well I am really finding that is the case. I have been somehow shrouding myself from feeling, from experiencing and from being free by packing on extra layers.
My shoulders especially feel strange and thin.
My stomach doesn't feel any different.
My face looks different but doesn't feel all that different.
My fingers and feet are no longer puffy.
My wrists feel flimsy and tiny.
I can feel when someone hugs me and runs their hand down my back that my back is thinner because I can feel their hands on the ribs (slightly). Also a bit of an odd feeling.
I think that I have gotten used to carrying some cushion around my vulnerable parts (which is all parts at this point). I wonder too if in a way it protects me from intimacy sometimes. I find that the older I get, the longer I am in a steady relationship the more shit comes up around being loved, and being shown love and carrying extra weight somehow shields me from exploring/feeling/wanting this altogether. So much is on the line, so much more is at stake! Carrying extra weight allows me to feel uncomfortable in my own body and gives me a legitimate reason to be distant, disconnected and closed off. This post is getting pretty revealing...gah.
I will end there for today. I don't feel like I am even ready to continue to move deeper in to all that ^ up there.
Thanks for following along and for reaching out and sharing with me as well!
A week of faces - Day 1, Day 2, Day 3 on top
Day 4, Day 6, Day 8 on the bottom
With love & gratitude,
Grace
I feel like I cheated yesterday because I had some cooked veggies! I was cold and I wanted something comforting so I cut up a yam, put some coconut oil in a pan and some Himalayan rock salt and ate it like it was a cupcake.
I had the same guilt that I would have had, had it been cupcakes! I felt like I had somehow let myself down. It tasted too good and I ate it until my belly hurt. It was quite eye opening. Who knew a yam could still provide space for addictive behaviour! Because I overextended my belly, I was so hungry when I went to bed that I had hunger pangs for the first time since day 1!
Today is day 8 and I feel pretty tired. I am wondering if I should start adding a meal in but I struggle to want to do that because again - I have a strong to desire to stick this out. I have enough fat stores that I "should" be able to do this much longer. I am wondering if my will is starting to dwindle a bit, or if the cold weather/winter blues is starting to affect my overall ambition. Sigh.
I did get some new items to blend yesterday - or rather Danny did - some fennel, limes, parsley, more mint, different apples, different pears, and the usual. Adding lime really gives it a fresh kick.
So far my fave is;
Fennel
Lime (I put a quarter of a lime in, rind and all)
A green pear
Kale
A little bit of water and orange juice
MY JUICER ARRIVED TODAY! The Omega J8004 Nutrition Center Commercial Masticating Juicer! Stay tuned to hear reviews on this! I am excited to juice for the first time for realz, ever.
So now I'm going to get real...
Ok, it's time to talk about my weight issues, or rather my attitude towards my body.
"The weight issues" are coming up a lot. I got on the scale twice yesterday. Ugh. Go away weight obsessions, fuck right off.
I have found that I have strange body image issues, a type of dysmorphia but in a very backwards kind of way. There are two different contradicting views of my body going on inside my head. There is this one where I am not happy with my body because I am too fat, and then this other one where I am in denial that I have gained 40 lbs (or whatever it is...) and think that "it's not that bad!"...It's like my mind is having an argument over my body like I'm a child -
First parent "She really needs to lose some weight, look how much she has gained, it's not healthy!" Second parent "She's fine, she looks very healthy, she needs some meat on her bones, it's cold out there! Nothing wrong with a woman having curves!"....
I am feeling happy and yet very uncomfortable with the weight loss. It feels very vulnerable and naked in some areas. I want the weight to just go, but I am also finding that a bit scary. You know how some personal development books and authors talk about how we put fat on for emotional protection? Well I am really finding that is the case. I have been somehow shrouding myself from feeling, from experiencing and from being free by packing on extra layers.
My shoulders especially feel strange and thin.
My stomach doesn't feel any different.
My face looks different but doesn't feel all that different.
My fingers and feet are no longer puffy.
My wrists feel flimsy and tiny.
I can feel when someone hugs me and runs their hand down my back that my back is thinner because I can feel their hands on the ribs (slightly). Also a bit of an odd feeling.
I think that I have gotten used to carrying some cushion around my vulnerable parts (which is all parts at this point). I wonder too if in a way it protects me from intimacy sometimes. I find that the older I get, the longer I am in a steady relationship the more shit comes up around being loved, and being shown love and carrying extra weight somehow shields me from exploring/feeling/wanting this altogether. So much is on the line, so much more is at stake! Carrying extra weight allows me to feel uncomfortable in my own body and gives me a legitimate reason to be distant, disconnected and closed off. This post is getting pretty revealing...gah.
I will end there for today. I don't feel like I am even ready to continue to move deeper in to all that ^ up there.
Thanks for following along and for reaching out and sharing with me as well!
Day 4, Day 6, Day 8 on the bottom
With love & gratitude,
Grace
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