Journey to Mee-dom

There. I said it. I'm fucking sad. I know I am not supposed to be sad. I know I am supposed to be over it - or at least that belief is there, and it's a strong one. "Carry On" "Be happy" "Don't show that you are struggling" "Don't put your shit on others" Wow. Grief is so incredibly strange. By  strange  I mean that it can go undetected for a very long time, and in many different ways disguising itself as something else. Fatigued, depression, despair, hopelessness, disinterest, anger, frustration, an inability to communicate or cope, addiction, relationship issues, retreating ...etc etc ETC. I really had no idea. My sister says that grief is an opportunity to deal with deeper stuff. And she's right. But god, it's so damn deep. It's shit on top of shit - the well of shit seems never ending, but I have to keep pulling the rope up and emptying it out - I can't stand here and hold the rope anymore, my arms...

I've been practicing heaps of self-care these days and so in the spirit of my practice I went to bed last night at 930 pm. This is outlandish for me, by a long shot. Surprisingly, I fell asleep in no time...but it didn't last long. At around 2 am we woke up with Oliver in between us and tried to gently usher him back to his own bed. He went willingly only to turn back around when he realized he had a big mosquito bite that he couldn't tune out. 2 am mosquito bites actually feel like a severed foot - to a 6 year old. Not long after we got him settled, Lilly showed up distraught over a robot eating some people out of their car at the drive in (she's never even been to the drive-in). They were the robots owners no less! Nightmares suck, I know them all too well and I just can't turn my kids away when I hear the sheer panic in their voices. Danny left for the spare room as Lilly crawled in - a sleeping situation we know all too well at this point. (This post isn't ...

Day 16. Wednesday. warning: Raw thoughts, some ranting and not much editing done, and some cursing to follow. Ughhhh it's so dark and raining today! It looked like it was the middle of the night at 8:30am. Like what the actual fuck. How can we function with no sunlight I ask you?! Today I am giving less shits. Mostly about the Christmas season and what I feel I am "supposed" to be doing. It started with questioning the season's eating regime of cookies/bailey & coffee/throw your health to the wind mentality. My depression is just too sensitive for that noise. The truth is I walk a fine line of  "yes let's do this!" and "I don't want to live anymore". Sorry to drop that serious bomb on you here today, but screw it - I'm into being really honest these days. I sat down to write a Christmas letter a week ago, trying to be real about this last year. There's just something off about Christmas letters than don't report all th...

Day 14. I feel like I can't really say "Day 14" of the juice cleanse, because I have started to incorporate some protein, warm veggies and it's not "just juice". But you know what, fuck it - DAY 14 bitches!! (I don't like that word but just pretend it's a term of endearment ok?) I am still eating really clean, so we will go with that. I have had some eggs, some coconut oil, some hemp oil, lots of yams and sweet potatoes and kale soup! All so very delicious. Considering the time of year and how tempting all the treats and drinks are. I am just going to go ahead and call this a success. But wait - I'm going to take a moment to say it's been TWO weekends with absolutely NO booze. Like seriously, that's pretty cool. I am not a heavy drinker, but over the past year I have definitely taken a liking to a rum a coke...or 5. Rum and coke's were my dads drink and it was comforting to me in more ways than one. Alcohol also is a socially acce...

Day 10! Sighhhhhhhhhhh. Feeling low energy today, really extremely tired and sighing a lot - so I had some lentil chick pea soup. It was warm and salty and nice. Also, just for the record I had some salad last night. Juicing continues to be awesome and a lot of work. I have no room for all the vegetables! Juicing requires a lot of counter space. Clutter and or dirty dishes do not go well with juicing. It's seeming like a lifestyle change, and I mean more than just the food part of it. More specifically, it requires some time, planning and dedication. Things to pre-consider, like: What am I going to juice? Do I have to do a grocery store run? First I need to clean off the counter! God I want a burger! For someone like me, who doesn't really plan food out very well this is requiring using a part of my brain that has been on permanent vacation since, well...ever. Random side not that may not have anything to do with juice cleanse: I try not to shower everyday but I hav...

Hi there. Day 9 here. (No time to edit, just skip over spelling mistakes please!) We got our juicer last night! And boy oh boy did we make some shitty ass juice! hahahha. Ew. This morning we did much better with a less random selection. Juicing is quite the process. It takes some time and it takes some chopping and it takes some cleaning. It also takes a lot more fruits n' veggies than blending does! But it really is delicious. I am loving the taste and how satisfied I feel afterwards. And I must say, adding an avocado really makes a nice smooth texture and taste! (Juice comes out the bottom, pulp poops out the side!) I have to remember that it did not take 9 days for my body to get to where it is and it will not take 9 days for it to work itself out! So far what I have noticed and how I am feeling is HUGE. I need to just be thankful for how fast my body reacts to healthy choices. It's simply amazing isn't it? Thank you body for all you do. When I get that naggy v...

Day 7 and the beginning of day 8. I feel like I cheated yesterday because I had some cooked veggies! I was cold and I wanted something comforting so I cut up a yam, put some coconut oil in a pan and some Himalayan rock salt and ate it like it was a cupcake. I had the same guilt that I would have had, had it been cupcakes! I felt like I had somehow let myself down. It tasted too good and I ate it until my belly hurt. It was quite eye opening. Who knew a yam could still provide space for addictive behaviour! Because I overextended my belly, I was so hungry when I went to bed that I had hunger pangs for the first time since day 1! Today is day 8 and I feel pretty tired. I am wondering if I should start adding a meal in but I struggle to want to do that because again - I have a strong to desire to stick this out. I have enough fat stores that I "should" be able to do this much longer. I am wondering if my will is starting to dwindle a bit, or if the cold weather/winter blues...