The mirror says I'm a chubby yogis

Because one of the ways that I have really identified and been able to move through my self-abuse happened to be by looking (or rather not looking) in the mirror, I brought up this idea to some friends that mirrors are simply an instrument for either abuse or or love. They really let you know where you are at, and provide a place for change.

You can look in the mirror and see all that you are, or you can look in the mirror and see all that you aren't.

I will tell you straight up that I have been avoiding going to yoga. The reason - well the reason isn't a good one - but it's a reason none the less.
I have been feeling too fat for yoga.
It's not that I gained a bunch of weight but I allowed myself to slip back into an old habit of comparing myself to others and I don't know if you have been to a yoga class before but there are some fit-tastic people up in there. Hotties per say...and I wasn't considering myself a hottie. Honestly I kinda thought I didn't care about being a hottie anymore...
I'm reminded every time I bring my leg through to warrior 1 and my stomach bulge asks me for a password to cross like a cranky old troll - that I'm still a chubby Yogis.
Ok so who cares? Really though, who cares? Who I am doing yoga for? The other 9 million women in the class, the 2 dudes or...ME?!? I will let you guess the answer.
Bottom line is that no one else cares if I have a muffin top (mmm muffins) or if my armpits are hairy (which of course would be so unlike me, to go to a class with hairy armpits right?? Err...right.)

So after breakfast yesterday morning, I trekked over to Oranj for 1030 Power to get there early enough to lay there and get a sense of where I was at on the inside before class. When Laura prompted us to set our intention for our practice I immediately thought "honour myself" with a sub-intention of "don't judge yourself in the mirror Grace".
It started out fairly well but with mirrors all around your eyes wander and you start checking yourself out, and then you see the mess that you forgot about for a few minutes - staring back at you. It became really hard, and I fell back into old habits of "fixing myself", pulling my shirt down, my pants up, my front wedgie out and flipping my hair like Justin Bieber.
That's when Laura asked us to come to the front of our mats and close our eyes. We were going to repeat the series of poses with our eyes closed. We all laughed nervously. I actually looked beside me to see if the girls next to me could withstand my weight if I fell on them.

Typically when you are flowing through postures your eyes are open and likely focused on a particular spot. It's much more difficult to get your balance when you can't see anything.
I had the biggest smile on my face when we started because I knew (and apparently Laura did too) - that it was exactly what I needed.
I flowed wobbled through all the familiar postures a little bit like it was for the first time.
Unsure and uneasy. I no longer had anything visually external to hang on to or focus on. I couldn't focus on that spot on the floor or the ceiling. I had no idea where my feet were positioned.
What happens when we have no external strength to pull from? Nothing to focus on but our-selves? Well, we have to yank it out from inside.
It all became clear.
My focus was now totally different. It was an inner guidance instead of an outer measuring. I was feeling my way through the poses instead of judging myself into them via the mirror.
The other thing that happened was that because I couldn't see anyone else I couldn't compare where my yoga was at in regards to others. Usually, I push myself way to hard because all the cool kids are doing it. This time I just got to self-navigate. I noticed that my balance wasn't as authentic as I thought it was and also that when I wasn't sure if anyone else was holding the pose I was a little gentler with myself. I could actually feel where I was really AT, instead of where I thought I needed to be.
Insert HUGE ego-check here. Because no one else could see me, I was no longer worried about how "good" I was at yoga. As a competitive person, this is a pretty monumental moment so I need to take a moment to self-high five.
We opened our eyes and moved through a second series of poses and then we repeated it a second time again with our eyes closed. This time I felt more confident, a real confidence where I knew that I could trust myself to guide ME through the poses. My balance was a little better this time and it was by far more fun than when I was being all harsh-judgy at myself in the mirror. I melted in to the poses instead of rigidly forcing myself to the completion of the posture when maybe it just wasn't going to happen in that moment. I was present. I was IN IT.
How symbolic.

I would honestly have to say that it was the best yoga practice I have had to date. I got to re-define "great yoga practice". I didn't get as deep into some poses as maybe I have in the past but that was the lesson. I honoured where I was at, I didn't care that I might have been the chubbiest person in the room - cause no one else existed - who I "thought" I was didn't even exist anymore. As my expectations ceased and my projected self melted away I came to understand why we really do yoga. To get into ourselves, find out that we really have all we need IN here *points to heart and gut* and let go of the external constraints/attachments, the box we build and then squish ourselves into. To re-attach to who we really are, not the story that we or anyone else tells about us. To remember that we have everything we need, nothing we need it out there or in someone else.
My self was so connected, so present and so aligned when I couldn't see to evaluate my practice.

There are so many times in our lives when we forget that we can "feel" our way through whatever is going on. We lose trust in ourselves and we start logically thinking about who/what/when/why/how. We get so competitive, so goal driven and so damn comparative to who we once were or who we should be becoming that we forget to just honour where we are. We might not be a super-model, or a successful executive, or "perfect" mother (whatever the frig that is) - but who said we wanted any of those things anyway? We spend so much time chasing that "when I'm..." that we forget that we have already become so much - we are already being who we once wanted to be.

"I am where I am and that's ok, it's more than ok, because I am where I am". ~ Esther Hicks, The Teachings of Abraham

I would like to share what Laura read at the end of class because it really tied it all in for me:

"The prerequisite to freedom is to decide that you do not want to suffer anymore. You must decide that you want to enjoy your life and that there is no reason for stress, inner pain or fear. Every day we bear a burden that we should not bearing. We fear that we are not good enough or that we will fail. We experience insecurity, anxiety, and self-consciousness. As we try to succeed there is an weight we carry. This weight is fear of experiencing pain, anguish or sorrow. Every day we are either feeling it or protecting ourselves from feeling it. ~ The Untethered Soul, Michael Singer

"...And it starts with closing your eyes..." Laura Martini ~ Rockstar Yoga instructor

Come to class with me and we can rock out with our real-bad-ass-selves.
Check out Laura's site, and maybe we can meet for a retreat some day soon!

http://martiniyoga.ca

With Love and Gratitude,
Grace Karyn Edison