I looked at myself today (my stomach to be exact) and realized something. After I had the kids, and I had the 'post babies' weight to lose, it was the first go at it. It was a fresh try. Nothing to lose (except the weight). I went into it with mostly naivety tagged with a certain sense of optimism and a no-pressure-attitude. I was focused on my new babies, I didn't have to rush I just ate better - if it happened it happened. Once I started to see it working (in many ways) I added more to it. Started exercising and seeing better results. Then something happened. Here's where the "gap" is. I don't know what happened. I don't know what the "trigger" was, what the trauma was to cause me to slip backwards on such a steep hill I had climbed so beautifully. I lost 30 lbs from December 2008 - August 2009! Approximately 8 months of fantastic eating, new sense of self - the mother of twins and I was doing it! I could do anything.
Somewhere between August and September I stopped dead in my tracks and pulled a 'Jill'. Jack and Jill, only I don't know what my Jack was. What happened that I went tumbling after? I doubt it matters now, but this second time (15 months) around of trying seems to be harder because I have it built up in my mind. It's easy. No it's hard. No it's easy...and so on. "What did I do before" what was I feeling, that made it easy? Well for one, I was feeling like I didn't have any expectations. I was so happy to be a new mom, and of twins that I didn't care what my body looked like. I just thought - I'll do it to be healthier and if the weight comes off great. Now, it's this anger around why I didn't keep it up, and not only that - but I went in the opposite direction, saw the uncovered man-hole and jumped in. I can see myself chasing what I let slip. Running after it like it was never mine to begin with...
It could have been returning to work. It could have been stress between Danny and I. It could have been two 1 year olds...who knows? I guess the point is that it is a reoccurring theme in my life. The disappointed voice in my head can stop any day now. I just need to stop doing it. I feel like I am making emotional progress here. I am going to crossfit too which is a great big step. Now I just need to keep being patient and kind to myself - right?
Beside the disappointed "voice" I feel like people are disappointed in me. Like "wow, she worked hard and lost that weight and then just gained it all back, only this time it wasn't babies, it was food..." or whatever "they" might think it could be concern as well. Maybe I think people feel bad for me..."grace looks so good when she has the weight off, it's too bad she gained it back, I wonder why? She must have been going through something." What if people think "that's just what Grace does, takes it off, puts it on". At the very least I think that people see me differently when I gain weight. That it's like showing the world you have been dealing (or not dealing so well) with stress. No one thinks it's a positive thing, that's for certain.
I guess I feel like a liar. "Things are going so well, work, kids, regular relationship stuff for a couple with young twins" but maybe I still have some stuff in there that's showing itself? I am asking because I don't really know and as you can tell I feel the need to figure out the reason for the ups and down with my weight so that I can deal with it and move on.
Side note: It's been going on as far back as I can remember, grade 6, going into grade 7 when I got into an argument with a popular jock at the baseball field. His come back to me telling him he was a jerk was "yeah, well you're fat". I can still feel it, the way his words radiated through my every cell. It translated to "I don't care what you think you are fat and therefore invaluable". I knew I wasn't skinny, I tried on my best friends jeans. I developed early and I always had more of a sporty build, but FAT? Really? That was a shocker, and at the ripe old age of 12...I guess it stays with you. How do I go back and tell that 12 year old Grace that she isn't fat, she just isn't built like the other girls? That she has so much to offer and she'll see that, if only she doesn't listen to the negative projections others put on her. I guess I just tell me this now...you are valued.
Next thought: How do I tell Lilly this (arrow pointing up at the last sentence).
Or maybe no one thinks any of this, and I'm just trippin?
In conclusion, when the feelings of not being valued come up from the depths of my being, I don't have to piggy-back it with being fat or eating. I am valued, period. I value myself. And, I don't need to show people that I don't feel valued by packing on weight and carrying it around for all to see.
Hey Grace, I have been struggling with the same thing lately oddly enough lol, mine however is with looks and with people continually making remarks like "she looks exactly like you" referring to Layla. You see I think my daughters are beautiful, but when someone says that they look exactly like you, and you have picked yourself apart to the enth degree how do you not cringe and think to yourself "great, now they are going to struggle with the same things I do" will they look in the mirror and see a beautiful girl, or will they see the same things that I see in myself? what a tough issue! not to project your own insecurities on your innocent impressionable children. Here is where I am stuck. You have talked before about fixing the problems that were left behind from the "joy" of carrying twins full term ie. your tummy. This is great, I am on board with you, I feel the same way about my tummy... but how do you battle the feeling of wanting to change other physical attributes about yourself that you loathe, and not have it affect your children that supposedly "look just like you"?... just a thought to ponder =) feedback is welcome lol, aren't I just a chipper commenter lol oh well, the moral of the story is that as women we all seem to have some cross to bear with our looks, no one seems to look in the mirror and LOOOOVVVEEE what they see, you need to be comfortable with what you see, but when you can't even seem to find that balance the question is how do you get there?
ReplyDeleteGrace know this you have the ability to do anything you put your mind to, we all do and its something that we allow ourselves not to do. We trick ourselves into thinking we cant, or find excuses not to do things, but why....fear of failure?? In reality we are failing... we are failing ourselves. The impact that others have on us do not always have to define who we are, they can make us better and even taking a negative comment like your fat can push you in the right direction. It is all on how we look at it and take comments like that. That was that guys only rebutle....and it sucked he knew it, he could not beat you in a real arguement soo he threw out there the only words he knew would get to you. I wonder where this lovely fellow is today?? That being said, you have the strength to carry on and accomplish your goal, know that we are all behind you no matter how far we might be!! Keep it up Grace.
ReplyDeleteSmiles
LA :)