Today has been hard. Change...is hard.
Over the past few weeks we have come to the decision to change the kids schools. They have been going to French immersion and it's not "gone well". There are many reasons for this, some of which I take responsibility for and other aspects I do hold some anger and resentment towards - but I'm working on that.
It's so hard for me, when I realize that something isn't working. I have a few emotions that surface.
I typically get mad and want to flee - fuck this! type of reaction. But then usually, I can talk myself down and start to put some energy and focus into figuring out what is not working and why. (I also feel that at this point in my life, I work at taking responsibility as best I can - this is a work in progress of course.)
There is a big part of me that doesn't like to quit, or give up on stuff. There's an old belief there that "quitting is for quitters" - and that that's a BAD thing. No one likes a quitter...you know how it goes.
So after 3 years of it 'not working', much outside help and what I think is our "best effort" to make something fit that just doesn't fucking fit...we have decided to "quit".
And frig, does this bring up a lot of crap for me.
Am I teaching my kids to be quitters?
Did I give up too early?
Will it affect them to not have the French language experience?
I was (still am) holding on so tightly to what I thought was going to be good for them...
and the truth is sometimes we just don't know - how can we know what will be good for our kids? We are taught so many things/standards to just be true or factual. Like - all the organized sports, dance, music, learning other languages, being ahead academically - that this will somehow guarantee them a GOOD LIFE...and much happiness.
Well I am sure some of these things help - but honestly sometimes our expectations can unintentionally hurt. I've come to realize that if I kept holding on to "my kids will speak French because it's good for their future" that I was going to put further unnecessary stress on my kid(s) present.
I went up to the school today and brought cakes (my mother in love made) to celebrate, say farewell and demonstrate to the classes how much we have enjoyed their friendships and our time there.
One kids asked "Why is Oliver moving schools?!" and I replied "Because he's going to give English a try!" and then he yelled back "Well what if that doesn't work??"
And my heart sank.
Someone else quickly yelled "Then he can try Spanish!"
and we all giggled and moved on...except for my heart, that was sad.
I am tempted to get in to all the reasons why we are moving but to be honest my kids are 7 and they have a right to privacy. Also, there are many people involved and I want to respect them as well.
Mostly I just want to share that change is so hard.
So incredibly hard.
If you've loved, then you feel loss.
My kids love hard, and so do I.
They love their friends, they love the comfortable routine of going to the school that they know. It won't be like that, it won't be like it has been. It's going to be different. We'll have to adjust and re-learn
As I walked down the hall carrying cake, my whole body felt heavy. I felt myself wanting to cry and feeling that it would be so inappropriate to do so. That I would then cause a domino affect of kids crying..(cause I mean that would be so awful...?!) No, I doubt it would be awful at all. I am sure it would benefit everyone to have a cry and let those emotions come up.
My beef right now is that in our culture (or society) - the expression of grief is not acceptable.
It's really not. The way that we live our lives is so muted or dulled down. I wanted to cry and hug the teachers we've loved. I wanted to give a speech at the front of the class about how much we have enjoyed all the children - even the ones who yell stuff out without thinking - ESPECIALLY those children. Because you know what guy-who-yelled-out, I have THAT fear. What if changing schools doesn't make anything better? What if that's not the issue? What if I fucked up?
What if...
But..What if it it's a better fit?
How long do you keep doing something that doesn't work?
I have felt-in to this big time. I have sat with it, and I have cried (in the privacy of my own truck because that seems like an acceptable social norm) because watching my child struggle is one of the most gut wrenching experiences I've ever endured. And as their Momma it's part of the gig to say - enough. We are not mashing a square peg into a round hole anymore - ruining everything we love about how unique he is. We are not going to bang our heads against a brick wall hoping for different results. We are going to take a big deep breath and walk into the new and the unknown. Together.
No matter what happens my kids' worth is not tried up in their ability to do well at school - I'll tell you that right now. And that was a hard conclusion to come to. I want them to be happy, I want them to feel loved. The rest will come. If they feel worth it, good enough and all that jazz - then they will be able to figure their shit out.
Change.
It's a son of a bitch. But when I can lean in to it and really embrace my fears it's a beautiful thing.
So good bye, and HELLO! I honour what has been and what's to come.
I also honour that I am having an normal emotional reaction to this change, not knowing the right answer, as we really never do. I'm bumping around in the dark like all the rest of you - just trying to let the light in me shine enough to see a little tiny bit.
With change there is so much push and pull. We don't know when to hunker down and when to jump ship. I am learning to trust more, and to listen. To get beat up less by my thoughts, and by my own conditioning to "how things should be"...even when they don't friggen work.
Change - all change - no matter how big or small is HUGE. It brings up so much crap from the depths of our being. We have to lay it all out and look at it - even the shit we don't want to look at. We have to toss things around, let go and grieve. It is hard to move on, move forward and to not close our hearts. Our hearts might be sore, but with our experience they only grow strong - if we let them.
So yes, we feel good about it because it feels like a better fit. The kids love the new school. They jumped all over the place when we left the tour. They loved how it felt and so did I. And we are listening to that light - to that gut feeling - we are emotionally intelligent. YES WE ARE.
And so we begin a new adventure, holding space for everything that might come up.
I wish you all well in the inevitable change and grieving processes you will endure in your life.
You got this. I'm here.
With love and gratitude,
Grace Karyn
Over the past few weeks we have come to the decision to change the kids schools. They have been going to French immersion and it's not "gone well". There are many reasons for this, some of which I take responsibility for and other aspects I do hold some anger and resentment towards - but I'm working on that.
It's so hard for me, when I realize that something isn't working. I have a few emotions that surface.
I typically get mad and want to flee - fuck this! type of reaction. But then usually, I can talk myself down and start to put some energy and focus into figuring out what is not working and why. (I also feel that at this point in my life, I work at taking responsibility as best I can - this is a work in progress of course.)
There is a big part of me that doesn't like to quit, or give up on stuff. There's an old belief there that "quitting is for quitters" - and that that's a BAD thing. No one likes a quitter...you know how it goes.
So after 3 years of it 'not working', much outside help and what I think is our "best effort" to make something fit that just doesn't fucking fit...we have decided to "quit".
And frig, does this bring up a lot of crap for me.
Am I teaching my kids to be quitters?
Did I give up too early?
Will it affect them to not have the French language experience?
I was (still am) holding on so tightly to what I thought was going to be good for them...
and the truth is sometimes we just don't know - how can we know what will be good for our kids? We are taught so many things/standards to just be true or factual. Like - all the organized sports, dance, music, learning other languages, being ahead academically - that this will somehow guarantee them a GOOD LIFE...and much happiness.
Well I am sure some of these things help - but honestly sometimes our expectations can unintentionally hurt. I've come to realize that if I kept holding on to "my kids will speak French because it's good for their future" that I was going to put further unnecessary stress on my kid(s) present.
I went up to the school today and brought cakes (my mother in love made) to celebrate, say farewell and demonstrate to the classes how much we have enjoyed their friendships and our time there.
One kids asked "Why is Oliver moving schools?!" and I replied "Because he's going to give English a try!" and then he yelled back "Well what if that doesn't work??"
And my heart sank.
Someone else quickly yelled "Then he can try Spanish!"
and we all giggled and moved on...except for my heart, that was sad.
I am tempted to get in to all the reasons why we are moving but to be honest my kids are 7 and they have a right to privacy. Also, there are many people involved and I want to respect them as well.
Mostly I just want to share that change is so hard.
So incredibly hard.
If you've loved, then you feel loss.
My kids love hard, and so do I.
They love their friends, they love the comfortable routine of going to the school that they know. It won't be like that, it won't be like it has been. It's going to be different. We'll have to adjust and re-learn
As I walked down the hall carrying cake, my whole body felt heavy. I felt myself wanting to cry and feeling that it would be so inappropriate to do so. That I would then cause a domino affect of kids crying..(cause I mean that would be so awful...?!) No, I doubt it would be awful at all. I am sure it would benefit everyone to have a cry and let those emotions come up.
My beef right now is that in our culture (or society) - the expression of grief is not acceptable.
It's really not. The way that we live our lives is so muted or dulled down. I wanted to cry and hug the teachers we've loved. I wanted to give a speech at the front of the class about how much we have enjoyed all the children - even the ones who yell stuff out without thinking - ESPECIALLY those children. Because you know what guy-who-yelled-out, I have THAT fear. What if changing schools doesn't make anything better? What if that's not the issue? What if I fucked up?
What if...
But..What if it it's a better fit?
How long do you keep doing something that doesn't work?
I have felt-in to this big time. I have sat with it, and I have cried (in the privacy of my own truck because that seems like an acceptable social norm) because watching my child struggle is one of the most gut wrenching experiences I've ever endured. And as their Momma it's part of the gig to say - enough. We are not mashing a square peg into a round hole anymore - ruining everything we love about how unique he is. We are not going to bang our heads against a brick wall hoping for different results. We are going to take a big deep breath and walk into the new and the unknown. Together.
No matter what happens my kids' worth is not tried up in their ability to do well at school - I'll tell you that right now. And that was a hard conclusion to come to. I want them to be happy, I want them to feel loved. The rest will come. If they feel worth it, good enough and all that jazz - then they will be able to figure their shit out.
Change.
It's a son of a bitch. But when I can lean in to it and really embrace my fears it's a beautiful thing.
So good bye, and HELLO! I honour what has been and what's to come.
I also honour that I am having an normal emotional reaction to this change, not knowing the right answer, as we really never do. I'm bumping around in the dark like all the rest of you - just trying to let the light in me shine enough to see a little tiny bit.
With change there is so much push and pull. We don't know when to hunker down and when to jump ship. I am learning to trust more, and to listen. To get beat up less by my thoughts, and by my own conditioning to "how things should be"...even when they don't friggen work.
Change - all change - no matter how big or small is HUGE. It brings up so much crap from the depths of our being. We have to lay it all out and look at it - even the shit we don't want to look at. We have to toss things around, let go and grieve. It is hard to move on, move forward and to not close our hearts. Our hearts might be sore, but with our experience they only grow strong - if we let them.
So yes, we feel good about it because it feels like a better fit. The kids love the new school. They jumped all over the place when we left the tour. They loved how it felt and so did I. And we are listening to that light - to that gut feeling - we are emotionally intelligent. YES WE ARE.
And so we begin a new adventure, holding space for everything that might come up.
I wish you all well in the inevitable change and grieving processes you will endure in your life.
You got this. I'm here.
With love and gratitude,
Grace Karyn
Although I think that societies set those standards for good reasons, I don't think they all work for everyone. The scary part is picking your few favourites and jumping in with them, while being alright with your choice to ignore the ones that don't work. A few things to remember: most things taught in school can be taught elsewhere, and much of the important stuff isn't taught in school. Big change is a great lesson in resilience, a majorly important tool that everyone needs - both kids and adults. And they can still learn French, someday, somehow. Il y a plusieurs facons de plumer un canard ;-)
ReplyDeleteYou are a strong girl my lovey and those lollies will be strong because of you. Sometimes I look at all these Rutland peeps who have been together since childhood and feel like that's something I missed out on, being with the same friends your whole life. But then I think about all the new friends and experiences I gained, moving so much and switching schools, and I really feel like it made me cherish those true friendships that I made. It's imbedded in me, that go with the flow mentality and really when it comes down to it all you can control in this life are your own decisions, your actions and reactions... And who do I have to thank for that? My wonderful mamma, that woman dug herself out of pile of shit after pile of shit and cleaned herself off and said "fuck it, everything will be fine. Everything will work out because we have each other." We all have to go out into the world and just... I don't know, deal, just fucking deal. But it's the home and the love you get to return to at the end of the day that matters. You got this girl! You so got this.
ReplyDelete