As I was leaving this morning to go teach my first yoga class, Danny was asking the kids if they wanted to go hiking and picking mushrooms after I got back. Lilly's bottom lip quivered as she asked "Up a mountain?!?". As she began to cry, feeling her fear, which I came to realize was due to the unknown - out there maybe getting lost in the wilderness - I found myself feeling the exact same thing about my class. It was the unknown for me, uncharted territory. I realized I was friggen scared.
I remember, not so long ago, saying to someone who asked me if I would ever teach yoga "I really love yoga, but I don't think I ever want to teach it." The truth is, I wanted to teach yoga SO BAD I could taste it. So why in the hell did I say that? Well, my fears got the better of me, that's why. What better to do with a big scary goal than pretend like it's not something I want to do anyway?! Good call Grace - you are safe...for now.
It wasn't more than a month after I heard myself saying these words (up there ^) that I found myself walking in the front door to Trinity Yoga Center, looking Harshad (Jeff Thomlinson) in the eyes and telling him I would take like to take the 200 hour teacher training, BUT I didn't want a Sanskrit name because I liked Grace just fine. Yeah, good one - don't drink the koolaid right? (I'm smiling so wide as I type this).
My love for yoga took some time to even find a spark. I sat at the metaphorical fire pit rubbing sticks together, finally throwing them and saying "screw it I don't need this anyway". My first yoga class was a hot Bikram class and I was lost and frustrated beyond belief. I found out a week later I was pregnant and had some complications (complications aka twins) so I was thankful to have an excuse to stop going. People would say "hey Grace you should come to yoga" and I would say "Nah it's too slow for me. I don't get why people do yoga..."
(I'm sure I have blogged about this before, but just stay with me for a few.)
When I finally fell, I fell hard. I'm pretty sure Danny thought I was cheating on him - because I was coming home late, sneaking out and even lying about where I was going saying "I am just working a little later today!".
So here I am - 200 beautiful, intense hours later sitting in front of my first real live 12 students - 11 women and one dude. I am pretty sure when he walked in I yelled "The token dude! Yes!". Luckily, I know Cole and he just smiled back at the weirdness expelling from my lips.
I was prepared. I had notes, I had three playlists, I had all my cushions lined up, a candle, my sequencing book (plus three other yoga books (cause if I lost my way I would just sit down and read while people waited right?). I had all my 'security blankeys' piled up around me.
And so it began.
I really struggled with the unrealistic goal of trying to plan "a class for everyone". That's pret'near impossible I do believe. I wanted it to be the best class ANYONE HAD EVER BEEN TO!!! I was trying to remember so many things! Little words and key lines that I personally love like; "cultivate" and "I invite you to..." - and well, I remembered them alright - to the point of over using them!
I awkwardly galloped through the class much like a teenager making-out in the backseat of a car for the first time - having replayed it so many times over in my head, wanting it more than anything, fumbling through and waiting for some reassurance that I was "doing it" right. I didn't always know what the next move should be, and hoped that they had their eyes closed while I frantically tried to remember what the eff I was doing.
At the end of the day, it was a a mish mash of all my favorite things about yoga. Breathing, awareness practice, building proper alignment, setting an intention and of course, the asanas. I felt confident at some points and I felt completely lost in others but if I remember correctly - that's how your "first time" generally goes. I somehow managed to resist the urge to yell out "THIS IS MY FIRST TIME!" around every curvy corner, but I kept it in for fear of anyone knowing I was an amateur and walking out. If plan A didn't go well, screaming "Fire!" and running out the room flailing my arms was plan B.
We moved through the "flow"(I loosely call it that because it may have been more of a bumpy car ride than a flow) much more quickly than I anticipated, so I had to throw in some extra postures from the floor. It seemed the theme ended up being forward bends - and maybe that was the universe asking me to just surrender to the what-is-ness of my "first time".
After it was all over, we took the kids hiking. Once we returned from hiking and I got back to my quiet house I sat in the rocking chair to write my teacher Uchita (Sonya Thomlinson) to say that I had done it. She of course wrote back to say how proud she was. I could feel some energy stirring below the surface. It felt heavy, and kind of murky. I wanted it to go away - I wanted to feel proud of myself for doing something that scared me. I wanted to just shut off those nasty thoughts about "What if no one ever comes back?!?". What if I missed the mark for every person in the class. I figured I went too fast for the beginners, I went too slow for the more advanced! My mind whirled. As I looked down at Uchita's facebook picture with Yogis Desai, I felt it rise up, bubble over and spill out of my eyes. There it is - the tears! The emotion that needed to move. I surrendered to it and as my kids sat watching their pirate movie I rocked in the chair, the same chair I rocked in while I waited for my children to enter this world and I gave birth to a new version of me. The me who did something I wanted so intensely and yet equally feared.
I got up there and I did the damn thing
So what if no one comes back?
So what if people say my class wasn't what they expected?
There is no way to practice or create a first time other than doing it - for the first time. I am grateful for the 12 lovely, kind, caring compassionate people who showed up and told me they enjoyed it. I believe in my heart that we shared something special. A first time and only time in that space, all of us uniquely showing up.
Every moment we live out of our comfort zone is a first time. Stepping warily, shakily, with great discomfort and bravery - outside of the known and into the space that exists just beyond the edge.
I found my edge today, and I kicked it's ass.
...and luckily for me the dream where I forget to wear pants didn't come to fruition.
.jpg)
This picture, without pants, was not taken at class today!
I also forgot to ask everyone is they were "here for the naked yoga". Ha! That's next time!
With great love and gratitude,
Grace K. Edison
I remember, not so long ago, saying to someone who asked me if I would ever teach yoga "I really love yoga, but I don't think I ever want to teach it." The truth is, I wanted to teach yoga SO BAD I could taste it. So why in the hell did I say that? Well, my fears got the better of me, that's why. What better to do with a big scary goal than pretend like it's not something I want to do anyway?! Good call Grace - you are safe...for now.
It wasn't more than a month after I heard myself saying these words (up there ^) that I found myself walking in the front door to Trinity Yoga Center, looking Harshad (Jeff Thomlinson) in the eyes and telling him I would take like to take the 200 hour teacher training, BUT I didn't want a Sanskrit name because I liked Grace just fine. Yeah, good one - don't drink the koolaid right? (I'm smiling so wide as I type this).
My love for yoga took some time to even find a spark. I sat at the metaphorical fire pit rubbing sticks together, finally throwing them and saying "screw it I don't need this anyway". My first yoga class was a hot Bikram class and I was lost and frustrated beyond belief. I found out a week later I was pregnant and had some complications (complications aka twins) so I was thankful to have an excuse to stop going. People would say "hey Grace you should come to yoga" and I would say "Nah it's too slow for me. I don't get why people do yoga..."
(I'm sure I have blogged about this before, but just stay with me for a few.)
When I finally fell, I fell hard. I'm pretty sure Danny thought I was cheating on him - because I was coming home late, sneaking out and even lying about where I was going saying "I am just working a little later today!".
So here I am - 200 beautiful, intense hours later sitting in front of my first real live 12 students - 11 women and one dude. I am pretty sure when he walked in I yelled "The token dude! Yes!". Luckily, I know Cole and he just smiled back at the weirdness expelling from my lips.
I was prepared. I had notes, I had three playlists, I had all my cushions lined up, a candle, my sequencing book (plus three other yoga books (cause if I lost my way I would just sit down and read while people waited right?). I had all my 'security blankeys' piled up around me.
And so it began.
I really struggled with the unrealistic goal of trying to plan "a class for everyone". That's pret'near impossible I do believe. I wanted it to be the best class ANYONE HAD EVER BEEN TO!!! I was trying to remember so many things! Little words and key lines that I personally love like; "cultivate" and "I invite you to..." - and well, I remembered them alright - to the point of over using them!
I awkwardly galloped through the class much like a teenager making-out in the backseat of a car for the first time - having replayed it so many times over in my head, wanting it more than anything, fumbling through and waiting for some reassurance that I was "doing it" right. I didn't always know what the next move should be, and hoped that they had their eyes closed while I frantically tried to remember what the eff I was doing.
At the end of the day, it was a a mish mash of all my favorite things about yoga. Breathing, awareness practice, building proper alignment, setting an intention and of course, the asanas. I felt confident at some points and I felt completely lost in others but if I remember correctly - that's how your "first time" generally goes. I somehow managed to resist the urge to yell out "THIS IS MY FIRST TIME!" around every curvy corner, but I kept it in for fear of anyone knowing I was an amateur and walking out. If plan A didn't go well, screaming "Fire!" and running out the room flailing my arms was plan B.
We moved through the "flow"(I loosely call it that because it may have been more of a bumpy car ride than a flow) much more quickly than I anticipated, so I had to throw in some extra postures from the floor. It seemed the theme ended up being forward bends - and maybe that was the universe asking me to just surrender to the what-is-ness of my "first time".
After it was all over, we took the kids hiking. Once we returned from hiking and I got back to my quiet house I sat in the rocking chair to write my teacher Uchita (Sonya Thomlinson) to say that I had done it. She of course wrote back to say how proud she was. I could feel some energy stirring below the surface. It felt heavy, and kind of murky. I wanted it to go away - I wanted to feel proud of myself for doing something that scared me. I wanted to just shut off those nasty thoughts about "What if no one ever comes back?!?". What if I missed the mark for every person in the class. I figured I went too fast for the beginners, I went too slow for the more advanced! My mind whirled. As I looked down at Uchita's facebook picture with Yogis Desai, I felt it rise up, bubble over and spill out of my eyes. There it is - the tears! The emotion that needed to move. I surrendered to it and as my kids sat watching their pirate movie I rocked in the chair, the same chair I rocked in while I waited for my children to enter this world and I gave birth to a new version of me. The me who did something I wanted so intensely and yet equally feared.
I got up there and I did the damn thing
So what if no one comes back?
So what if people say my class wasn't what they expected?
There is no way to practice or create a first time other than doing it - for the first time. I am grateful for the 12 lovely, kind, caring compassionate people who showed up and told me they enjoyed it. I believe in my heart that we shared something special. A first time and only time in that space, all of us uniquely showing up.
Every moment we live out of our comfort zone is a first time. Stepping warily, shakily, with great discomfort and bravery - outside of the known and into the space that exists just beyond the edge.
I found my edge today, and I kicked it's ass.
...and luckily for me the dream where I forget to wear pants didn't come to fruition.
.jpg)
I also forgot to ask everyone is they were "here for the naked yoga". Ha! That's next time!
With great love and gratitude,
Grace K. Edison
Sounds like it went just fine. I would definitely come to your class if I was nearby. Sadly, there aren't any classes near my hick town, so I just plod along with my home practice :)
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