The art of writing honestly, I mean really really honestly - no fluff - is one steep steep task. How can you let all your thoughts and feelings unfold bare-nakedly for all to see? How do we 'be' and also try to remember and decipher at the same time?
On a full time basis, I find myself scrolling through my thoughts and emotions searching for those ones that are suitable or even borderline suitable to share. Do the thoughts flow? Can people read them as I would have said them aloud? Sharing inner thoughts with others, written or aloud, is a tall order. It's vulnerable. So many aspects, so much potential confusion and complexity all in one seemingly simple task.
No, not simple at all.
Sometimes when I am trying to make my thoughts makes sense, I can feel um...unauthentic. I catch myself making up the experience as I go instead of just well...experiencing it! Even when I was at yoga yesterday I caught myself writing blogs in my mind. Trying to be SO present so that I could remember everything to retell it, and suddenly I found myself narrating my own experience.
What an interesting state of awareness. It was like being in that movie with Will Ferrell where his life was actually a story being written by an author - Stranger than Fiction. I suppose I was forcing myself to be so present that I ended up not really be present at all.
When I sit down to write, I get angry with myself. The pressure to perform (or to just make sense) freezes me up and I lose sight of the realness that I wanted to recite. I forget about all the wee moments in between the big "Aha!" moments. Like at yoga when I was just trying to remember to breath or attempting to stealthily pull up my pants after my belly fat caused the top to roll down like those socks from the early 90's. Sometimes the unnoticed habitual thought is a wish, like - "I wish was wearing pyjamas and an old t-shirt of Danny's, instead of my tight magic-ass-pants"...followed by "but then I wouldn't really fit in with all the other yogis now would I?"...Then I realize I have made up this unspoken yoga-apparel-etiquette rule, that even if I have no friggen idea what vinyasa is, my clothes need to look like they do.
Beyond all the noticing and mindfulness is the underlying and constant pulling downward of the ego. The mean voice in there telling you "it's too hard" or "you aren't good enough". Although, it is often an undetectable thought just hovering below consciousness. It is more of a longing to look like that girl over there, be better than we currently are or to plain old just look like someone who knows what the heck they are doing. We forget that in order to get where those people are, there was a long journey of showing up, and working hard but mostly just showing up and not talking themselves out of being there. Isn't that what being present is really all about? Showing the heck up? Celebrating all the hard work it took you to get to just where you are right at this very second? Just being able to yell out "present!" when the metaphorical teacher of life yells out your name? To just say - I'm here.
Accepting where you are is one of the biggest challenges. Allowing the natural thoughts to flow without judgement and then decide whether they serve you or not is no simple task. Author, Esther Hicks, whose audio book I listen to has a mantra "I am where I am. I am where I am and that's ok."
We are conditioned to be in a constant state of forward motion, sometimes it's ok to just be where you are. Then once we accept where we are, if we would like we can look around and what is serving us in that place and what may not be.
On a full time basis, I find myself scrolling through my thoughts and emotions searching for those ones that are suitable or even borderline suitable to share. Do the thoughts flow? Can people read them as I would have said them aloud? Sharing inner thoughts with others, written or aloud, is a tall order. It's vulnerable. So many aspects, so much potential confusion and complexity all in one seemingly simple task.
No, not simple at all.
Sometimes when I am trying to make my thoughts makes sense, I can feel um...unauthentic. I catch myself making up the experience as I go instead of just well...experiencing it! Even when I was at yoga yesterday I caught myself writing blogs in my mind. Trying to be SO present so that I could remember everything to retell it, and suddenly I found myself narrating my own experience.
What an interesting state of awareness. It was like being in that movie with Will Ferrell where his life was actually a story being written by an author - Stranger than Fiction. I suppose I was forcing myself to be so present that I ended up not really be present at all.
When I sit down to write, I get angry with myself. The pressure to perform (or to just make sense) freezes me up and I lose sight of the realness that I wanted to recite. I forget about all the wee moments in between the big "Aha!" moments. Like at yoga when I was just trying to remember to breath or attempting to stealthily pull up my pants after my belly fat caused the top to roll down like those socks from the early 90's. Sometimes the unnoticed habitual thought is a wish, like - "I wish was wearing pyjamas and an old t-shirt of Danny's, instead of my tight magic-ass-pants"...followed by "but then I wouldn't really fit in with all the other yogis now would I?"...Then I realize I have made up this unspoken yoga-apparel-etiquette rule, that even if I have no friggen idea what vinyasa is, my clothes need to look like they do.
Beyond all the noticing and mindfulness is the underlying and constant pulling downward of the ego. The mean voice in there telling you "it's too hard" or "you aren't good enough". Although, it is often an undetectable thought just hovering below consciousness. It is more of a longing to look like that girl over there, be better than we currently are or to plain old just look like someone who knows what the heck they are doing. We forget that in order to get where those people are, there was a long journey of showing up, and working hard but mostly just showing up and not talking themselves out of being there. Isn't that what being present is really all about? Showing the heck up? Celebrating all the hard work it took you to get to just where you are right at this very second? Just being able to yell out "present!" when the metaphorical teacher of life yells out your name? To just say - I'm here.
Accepting where you are is one of the biggest challenges. Allowing the natural thoughts to flow without judgement and then decide whether they serve you or not is no simple task. Author, Esther Hicks, whose audio book I listen to has a mantra "I am where I am. I am where I am and that's ok."
We are conditioned to be in a constant state of forward motion, sometimes it's ok to just be where you are. Then once we accept where we are, if we would like we can look around and what is serving us in that place and what may not be.
While I am writing, just like when I am at yoga, I am just trying to 'be in it'. Observe, listen, feel and question. We really get so busy worrying, predicting, anticipating that we don't really get to be in those moments. Our thoughts are a buffet of choices to which we have the power to say "yes I like that" or "no I don't like that". So on this Monday afternoon, as I sit anxiously (and even a bit angrily) waiting for my work lap top to dry out from the tea I spilt on it - I am where I am, and that's ok.
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