So I stopped writing because I felt like I was repeating myself. I don't know if that's accurate or not but I felt it and had this feeling that the same thoughts were running through my head over and over again. I guess that's the cycle of it all though. Thinking the same thoughts over and over again. I also stopped writing for me, and started writing for everyone else, and that never works. Well it works for a while but you start censoring your thoughts. Plus I felt like no one was reading it, which is stupid because again I'm not writing this for others. It was something to lay out my thoughts, pick through and change the beliefs - the added bonus was that maybe someone or some people would understand as well.
On the positive, crossfit is going really well. I didn't go when I was sick, but as soon as I was able to I went back. I can feel the strength building already. Going up the stairs feels easier, picking up the kids and anything that requires bending down or lifting. It's a good feeling, so yay!
The winter is taking it's tole, just like it normally does if I don't get ready before the greyness descents. I'm so bloody tired. Exercise is the most helpful but sometimes it feels like a major chore. So, vitamins, some fresh air and my fake sunlight lamp are all helpful.
I came to the conclusion that I really don't like the side boob rubbing on my arms. That's probably the worst of it all. I feel like my boobs are in my armpits. I mean my legs have always touched to some degree so that's not so bad but this side boob rub is new and I don't like it. Also when your boobs get bigger it makes sports bras harder to wear which is wack ass because they are suppose to be the most comfortable thing to wear aren't they!?!
You know, I kind of thought that I would feel "differently". Like some flashing light would go off to indicate that I was starting to gain a bit too much weight, and it didn't so I didn't do anything about until it got a little out of hand. I always thought in my mind that there was this point that I would wake up and take action. It's funny how I convince myself that each time I eat something I shouldn't, eat late or eat too much that it's just this one time treat. Then I do it again and round and round I go. I'm such a black or white person. It's all or nothing. If I am eating well I can't have a cheat day or it's all downhill. There doesn't seem to be a "happy medium". The sugar makes me crave more sugar and to be honest will power is just not enough, it doesn't trump the physiological ups and downs that take over my mind. Sugar is mind control.
I had a procedure at the hospital the other day and I had to fast for it. They were looking at my kidneys. So after 9pm it was cut off time and I found myself thinking "don't eat anything by accident!". Which means what exactly? That I eat on an almost unconscious level? But seriously, I think I do. Like I just get bored and make my way over to the kitchen and start looking around. It's not so much "boredome" though. I mean how can I be bored, there's cleaning, there's work, there's kids, good shows to watch, writing to catch up on. It's more, short term gratification boredom. Like did I do anything nice for myself today? No? Well have a cookie! Great idea...not. So more than breaking up with chips I have to say goodbye to the late night snacking because it's nobodies friend. Really.
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