Journey to Mee-dom

This mother's day feels really emotional. I can feel it swelling inside. And so I sit and write this in my own way of reflecting. I think it's emotional for me, because as I round the corner to my kids' 8th birthday... some of the guilt about "the kind of mother I am" has come to a head and is starting to rupture. Coincidentally (or not) I had surgery last week to deal with a ruptured cysts in my breast - bringing a lot of emotion to the surface. So much of my self-worth and role as a mother wrapped up in my bosom. This "rupture" comes with an immense amount of healing, but... Not without some conflict and turmoil of course. Oh it's confronted me hard. And I it. The first few years of being a mother were such an intense struggle for me. I had no idea what the hell I was doing. Trying to navigate having twins, watch, read, research, pay attention and be present seemed like a never ending battle. I was always second guessing myself. ...

This mother's day feels really emotional. I can feel it swelling inside. And so I sit and write this in my own way of reflecting. I think it's emotional for me, because as I round the corner to my kids' 8th birthday... some of the guilt about "the kind of mother I am" has come to a head and is starting to rupture. Coincidentally (or not) I had surgery last week to deal with a ruptured cysts in my breast - bringing a lot of emotion to the surface. So much of my self-worth and role as a mother wrapped up in my bosom. This "rupture" comes with an immense amount of healing, but... Not without some conflict and turmoil of course. Oh it's confronted me hard. And I it. The first few years of being a mother were such an intense struggle for me.  I had no idea what the hell I was doing. Trying to navigate having twins, watch, read, research, pay attention and be present seemed like a never ending battle. I was always second guessing mys...

I had a real shit day. So I went to yoga tonight. I went ...I didn't teach . I often forget how important it is to go to a class, and take it in. To be pushed outside what I think I want to do. My body holds on so damn tight. If I am home practicing alone, when I get to the brink of release, I will hop off my mat and my body doesn't get the release it needs. I could feel it but I didn't know what "it" was.  I needed to get into my body and let it tell me some stories. About halfway through the class, I noticed I felt angry at Aly - who is both my friend and one of my favourite teachers. It wasn't a logical angry and it didn't have a concrete thought like "I don't like this class" or what she is teaching. It was more like she was pushing me a bit and I didn't want to be pushed. My body was trying to protect me...cause what needed to come up was big. Deep down I knew it, so I resisted it hard. It was sneaky as hell. It was like, reluct...

Warning: this might be the most uncomfortable, most vulnerable post I have written to date. I have sat with it for a while. Please be gentle with your comments, and your judgements even if you keep them to yourself. Take a breath and step into Empathy. There's also a lot of heat and passion in this, and swearing. I hope you can hold space. I'm also not worried about spelling or grammar - so hold space for that too. Namaste. Not too long ago I had some guy from high school, that I had on facebook (key word is "had"), write me to say hello and to tell me he thought I was looking really great these days. I thought "wow!" what a compliment, since I am in fact working hard on my health and I thought it was cool that it showed over facespace. It made me feel really happy, at first. As we chatted a bit and caught up (all of which I was hoping was innocent pleasantries) at the back of my mind I thought to myself "I wonder what he wants ". That made me ...

Today has been hard. Change...is hard. Over the past few weeks we have come to the decision to change the kids schools. They have been going to French immersion and it's not "gone well". There are many reasons for this, some of which I take responsibility for and other aspects I do hold some anger and resentment towards - but I'm working on that. It's so hard for me, when I realize that something isn't working. I have a few emotions that surface. I typically get mad and want to flee - fuck this! type of reaction. But then usually, I can talk myself down and start to put some energy and focus into figuring out what is not working and why . (I also feel that at this point in my life, I work at taking responsibility as best I can - this is a work in progress of course.) There is a big part of me that doesn't like to quit , or give up on stuff. There's an old belief there that "quitting is for quitters" - and that that's a BAD thing. ...