Journey to Mee-dom

Oh hi, hello there. With the holidays coming up I thought maybe this would be a good rant  post for those of you with specific dietary requirements, restrictions and just overall needs. I know I have some anxiety coming up - so let's address it right here right now. I know what it's like to be that "guy" who can't eat anything at parties. A couple months ago I finally 100% established that my depression is an inflammatory response . Which means (in a nutshell) that the affects of inflammation in my body cause a change in the chemistry of my brain (and vagus nerve) leading to fatigue, and deep states of depression. I hit a very scary low back in early September where I started having thoughts that almost lead me to check myself into the hospital. Thoughts that felt normal to me (because they've been there so long) and yet, seemed to be much too serious to be something I was comfortable with. I feared for my own safety - from my own self. How messed up...

(First off, let me just say that I am totally guilty of this. I've done it, I am sure I still do it and I'm building an awareness around it.) Being happy for other people's successes - big and small. Better yet - Being happy for my own successes  Yep, that's what's up. I've come to realize as I make small but significant changes in my life and as I get happier, and feel good about myself I want to share this with others. So, I was seriously confused when I would get what felt like a ghost slap in the face. Ghost slap: throws you back but you have no idea where it came from or who did it or WHY. Sometimes, for whatever reason (that people might not even realize), they don't feel happy for you. They don't like this "new" you. They are used to and attached to the old you, the one who complained a lot and blamed most things on external factors. They knew how they fit in with this old you. Now you've gone and done it - you've change...

There. I said it. I'm fucking sad. I know I am not supposed to be sad. I know I am supposed to be over it - or at least that belief is there, and it's a strong one. "Carry On" "Be happy" "Don't show that you are struggling" "Don't put your shit on others" Wow. Grief is so incredibly strange. By  strange  I mean that it can go undetected for a very long time, and in many different ways disguising itself as something else. Fatigued, depression, despair, hopelessness, disinterest, anger, frustration, an inability to communicate or cope, addiction, relationship issues, retreating ...etc etc ETC. I really had no idea. My sister says that grief is an opportunity to deal with deeper stuff. And she's right. But god, it's so damn deep. It's shit on top of shit - the well of shit seems never ending, but I have to keep pulling the rope up and emptying it out - I can't stand here and hold the rope anymore, my arms...

I've been practicing heaps of self-care these days and so in the spirit of my practice I went to bed last night at 930 pm. This is outlandish for me, by a long shot. Surprisingly, I fell asleep in no time...but it didn't last long. At around 2 am we woke up with Oliver in between us and tried to gently usher him back to his own bed. He went willingly only to turn back around when he realized he had a big mosquito bite that he couldn't tune out. 2 am mosquito bites actually feel like a severed foot - to a 6 year old. Not long after we got him settled, Lilly showed up distraught over a robot eating some people out of their car at the drive in (she's never even been to the drive-in). They were the robots owners no less! Nightmares suck, I know them all too well and I just can't turn my kids away when I hear the sheer panic in their voices. Danny left for the spare room as Lilly crawled in - a sleeping situation we know all too well at this point. (This post isn't ...